My Hands Felt Just Like Two Balloons

I’ve been sick for the last few days. This particular recurring, seasonal illness bares such a resemblance to both A) A REALLY bad allergy attack and B) actual viral illness that I never really know what I have. Luckily the treatment for both is the same. Lots of sleep, fluids, procrastination of work-related responsibilities, complaining and Seinfeld reruns. So that’s how I’ve been spending my time. Oh, and I also made you:

A NEW EPISODE OF THE HIJINKS ENSUE PODCAST!!!
Episode 88 – Wizardo And The Hot Dog Guy. Listen to the ep, then check out Alex’s fancy Photoshoppery which deftly illustrate one of our bits.

To get into more about exactly how miserable I am, I would like to explain how unbearably shitty I feel. Sometimes (often in fact) my cat, Replay, will eat his dry food so fast that he almost immediately throws it up on the carpet. Never one to let a hot meal (how NOW, anyway) go to waste he usually gobbles down nearly all of the pre-eaten partially digested mess then goes about his marry way. These 12 hours naps aren’t going to take themselves, you know. I say he re-eats NEARLY all of the food, because he usually leaves somewhere between 10 and 15 nuggets of food to resolidify on the floor and become one with the carpet’s collective hive mind. I feel like THAT food. I feel like I have been eaten, thrown up, left to stew in my own juices and a healthy portion of feline bile for a few minutes, then nibbled at and pushed around with a coarse cat tongue for a few minutes, only to be ultimately judged unworthy of a second eating and left to crack and dry on the unforgiving carpet never to fulfill my purpose. The rejection at the end it what really seals the deal in determining which is worse: The twice eaten food, or the once eaten, once vomited, eternally rejected food.

In the next comic I think I’ll get into how much of a mistake it was to take a handful of allergy meds AND cold meds at the same time, hoping they would just figure it out for themselves. Listen to the podcast linked above to hear what I sound like while trying to forge coherent thoughts under their influences. This will be a short storyline. 3 or 4 comics at most.

COMMENTERS: What’s the worst thing you ever had to do while sick? Or rather, what’s the thing that you did that you REALLY should have stayed home from due to illness?

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47 Comments

  1. there is an episode in south park about this very thing. bunch of kids at the school start watching a lot of "dogs through fish eye lenses"

  2. During a "I was sick for so long and so hard that I made sure I got a flu shot every year since" flu outbreak, I not only went into work, but had to train someone with no understanding of how to use a computer (I had to explain cut and paste, slowly, and leave notes on it) how to perform an audit.

    I was sent home after two hours. It took me another 45 minutes to walk out of the building.

  3. One time I had just come down with a particularily nasty case of flu when the server at work failed spectacularily. So I had to pull an all-nighter to fix it. (Apparently I did fix it before I passed out.) Around 3am the cleaners found me unconsious face-down at my desk, thought I'd died or something. Managed to make it home and spent the next 2 days delerious in bed.

    Good times.

  4. I was eating goulash whilst reading about your cats eating habits. Well played, sir.

    Of course I continued eating! I have a partner of the feline persuasion myself.

  5. I had to fly to India once with a severe sinus infection. We're talking, shot grey-green gak six feet out of my tear duct sinus infection. That was probably fucking stupid, but at the time I did not feel like wasting the thousands of dollars of travel and work arrangements. Also, somebody died on the Lufthansa flight from JFK to Frankfurt, and until this very moment, writing this comment, I never considered the possibility that they died of whatever I had carried on the plane.

    Can I change my answer to "whatever dumb shit I did that day after we all purposely caught Benfluenza?"

  6. I played the last date of a tour despite having developed a severe-lung infection. Coughed up some blood and passed out on stage. Apparently we sold more CDs that night than any other.

    Also, I Iike how Gary Busey is normally considered the poor man's Nick Nolte, except when it comes to freak-outs, in which case the positions are reversed.

    The same happens with Tom Waits and Ron Perlman, depending upon on what you're after.

  7. I once had the flu so bad that it addled my mind enough I never even thought about not going to class. After three hours of suffering so bad I my mind has blocked the memories I went to my girlfriend’s place where she talked some sense into me and got me to take a nap. I thanked her by sweating through her pillow. A temperature of 103 ° will do that to you.

    That girl somehow forgave me and is now my wife

    That girl somehow forgave me and is now my wife.

  8. I had a pretty nasty cold but this guy I had just started dating wanted to go out and I was in "impress boy" mode, so I took some Claritin and we went out. "Out" in this case was a roller derby fundraiser that involved jello shots, jello wrestling and also more jello shots. Then blueberry pancakes. I got home around three in the morning, took cough medicine and promptly vomited everything from the past several hours into the sink. Still with the boy though!

  9. Hrmmm…just getting over a case of that myself. Spent every day of it commuting an hour-long drive to and from. Went home early two of the days and very nearly side-swiped multiple other vehicles on both occasions. Somehow made it home both days without hitting something or somebody or getting pulled over by the authorities for weaving all over my lane. Yay exhaustion and delirium!

  10. There are food-bowls for dogs, with obstacles in them to make them eat slow – might work for cats,too! And save you some cleaning.

      • We actually have several rocks in the food bowl for one our dogs. She has the same "scarf everything" mentality. The rocks seemed to do the trick.

        Don't know how well it'd work with cats, though. I think an evil mind of those likes could come up with a sinister solution to rocks in a food bowl much faster than you could even comprehend if it worked. Cats are like that.

  11. 6 days of working 12+ hour shifts in so-humid-you-can-drink-the-air weather while holding a blast-green-jello-out-of your-facial-orifii sinus infection back with massive amounts of caffeine. On day 6, I had to get up on stage and sing in front of 130 people. 2 minutes into the song, I re-enact some wonderful scenes from 'Problem Child 2' or 'Stand by Me', except with green head-jello and Campbell's extra chunky lung chicken soup…

  12. Around last Christmas time I had what may or may not have been walking pneumonia. Was not a fun two weeks. During which time I had to work multiple 6 hour shifts, play through a Christmas program at my church twice (felt like I was going to the whole time and actually almost DID fall off my stool once) Collapsed on the bathroom floor in the middle of shaving getting ready for work one evening. I felt positively miserable. Why my boss thought me me making food for people when I was that sick could possibly be ok is beyond me.

    On the bright side, I didn't get it nearly as bad as my brother did. He missed a month and a half worth of classes, got severe penalties because the doctors never gave him any sort of note for it and told him to sleep it off. So he pretty much got screwed for that whole year of college. >.>

  13. I spent nearly twenty-four hours doing *things* – including swimming and a martial arts session (I know karate and ten other dangerous words, guys) – while also suffering from Appendicitis. It was about the time I blacked out on the couch that I decided this might be important.

  14. You know what’s really weird? NOT getting sick. I haven’t had a flu or child since moving to Brazil 2½ years ago. My family here, including children, have not had worse than a headache the entire time. I’m nearly resentful. “Why aren’t you worried that you’re going to die every holiday season, like I was when I was your age?” Builds character.

  15. When I was in school, I came down with a nasty stomach bug while we were dissecting pig fetuses in biology. Specifically, it was the day we were supposed to be labeling structures in the brain, which due to some miscommunication about when and how we were supposed to remove the dura, had been reduced to a slushy mess (which we then had to remove by scooping it out with our fingers.) At least I managed not to throw up ON the pig…

  16. When I was in vet school I had a really, really bad cold during an anatomy exam. I took waaaay too much cold medicine, built a fort around myself of tissue boxes and gatorade, and proceeded to get the best grade of any of my anatomy tests. I have absolutely no memory of any part of the test, and to this day large animal nerves leg and veins are my weakness.

  17. I was a theatre major in college, and I had the flu, complete with bouts of vomiting, during opening night of a Greek tragedy. I had a monologue, and was already nervous, and recited my lines as I concentrated on not getting sick over the first row (small space, where some people were sitting on the floor in front of us. Afterwards, the director told me that I finally got it right that time. Taught me a very important lesson in acting – once you stop acting, you've got it.

  18. When I was in high school, I came down with the stomach-flu to end all stomach-flus. I, being the studious student I was, went in anyway. I didn't think I had it that bad, since I had been able to keep down my red Gatorade and granola bar lunch, until after my 6th period history class.

    I left the classroom and immediately knew I was going to vomit everywhere if I didn't make it to the bathroom, and fast. My best friend was behind me and she thought I was going to pass out because I had turned so pale that she tried to slow me down. As I descended the staircase, I felt it all come up and I knew there was nothing left to do but let it go or I was going to choke. So there I was at the top of the stairs, vomiting red colored chunks everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if they all thought I was vomiting blood. I undoubtedly hit some people and some backpacks below me, but at that point I didn't even care. I finished spewing and sat my gross ass down and cried until I couldn't move. I must have been a really miserable sight because everyone that passed me on their way to class stopped and asked me if I needed help. I just shook my head and sobbed until finally a teacher came around to see what happened and went to fetch the nurse and a wheelchair. When they got to the stairs they had to help me down because I couldn't support myself from exhaustion.

    The nurse gave me a bucket and called my mom, and I ended up spending the rest of the school day in the nurses office, alternately crying, vomiting, and trying to sleep. The worst part is my mom was in the city when the nurse called, and back then cell phones were still a thing only the really well-to-do had, so she didn't even get the message until after school was over and the extra curricular activities had started. I bet the nurse was NOT happy to have to stay with me until she arrived but what can ya do?

    I went home eventually and spent the next 24 hours in bed with my bucket.

  19. Alcohol poisoning after my bosses bachelor party… I hadn't slept, unless you count the half hour in which I passed out, the foolishly was back up and drinking more. Work the next day super early, the District Manager and Regional Vice President were both there, and I couldn't even keep down water. That taught me a lesson about 190 proof grain alcohol, and how NOT to chase it with blackberry brandy.
    I kept excusing myself to go to the back to throw up, claiming the 24 hour flu. Of course, my company was so great, no one even considered sending me home.

  20. In high school, I performed in the holiday choral concert with laryngitis (entirely possible to do, but really not recommended) and subsequently delayed healing for an additional week.

    In college, I got the flu and went to classes anyway, followed by going to my part time job as a file clerk where I promptly passed out in the file stacks.

    Oddly enough, since I stopped exposing myself to large bodies of people in closed spaces (i.e. school), I have not had a bad cold or flu or whatever crud people get.

  21. Flying home with an incipient sinus infection AND ear infection. Thankfully it was a short flight. Not so thankfully, the flight made everything way more worse than it had been if I had just stayed in Tucson for a few more days.

    I also went right back to work the day after I got back home. Stupid, stupid move.

  22. Ah Nyquil the most magical over the counter legal drug that exists. After a capful of that stuff I feel no pain. Also no cold, no heat, no light, no sensation of any kind until it wears off.

    Word of warning, never take a double dose right before you meet with your girlfriend's parents for the first time. You wind up a little oogey and saying a few things you'll regret. (Mostly what positions their daughter enjoys and shows a real aptitude for.)

    • NyQuil – the Green Fairy! I love Dennis Leary on the subject of NyQuil:

      Forget about cocaine and heroine. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed I'm telling you right now, I took the NyQuil 5 years ago. I just came out of the coma tonight before the fucking show. Claus Von Bulow was standing over my bed going: "Denis, get up! There's something the matter with Sunny! Hurry up!" I love NyQuil. Man, I love it I love it I love it I love it. It's the best shit ever invented. Isn't it, huh? I love the name alone. NyQuil: Capitol N, small Y, big fucking Q! I love that fucking Q, don't you!? What a great advertising idea! Put a huge fucking Q on the box. They'll get high and stare at it. "The Q is talking to me! The Q is talking to me!" I love NyQuil, man. Because NyQuil has never changed, man. It's never changed. All the other medicines are doing that inner-child thing. "We know that there's a small child inside of you, so now we have grape and cherry and orange flavour." Not NyQuil! They still have the original green death fucking flavour! You know why!? Because it doesn't matter what it tastes like! It's so strong you go: Hey this stuff really tastes like…" Bang! You're in the coma already! "What happened?" "He said tastes like and he went right into the coma, it was unbelievable!" We have reached the point where the over the counter drugs are actually stronger than anything you can buy on the street. It says on the back of the NyQuil box, on the back of the box it says: "May cause drowsiness." It should say, "Don't make any fucking plans, Okay! Kiss your family and friends goodbye. Say hello to Claus!" NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil, we love you! You giant fucking Q! NyQuil is the secret for all you 12 step recovery program people. Yes, all you AA people, NyQuil is the key! It's the 13 fucking step! You can drink it! It's over the counter! Drink as much as you want. "Are you drunk?" "No! I have a cold. Same cold I've had for two years. I just can't seem to shake it. I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green. Merry fucking Christmas!"

  23. I had a cold/flu (I can't tell the difference anymore) when my family went up to New York in February '011 and my brother & I shoveled snow from my grandpa's driveway. I meant ice. Ice! I broke a sledgehammer trying to break it, and the wind kept blowing more snow on us. I think my parents happily paid my "dumb-idea-in-the-first-place" bonus.

  24. I had a dose of the flu back when I was in university. Unfortunately it was at the same time I was supposed to be running a friend's campaign for a place on the student union council. The flu had messed up my head so bad that my centre of balance was off and I kept falling over. I had to conduct the entire campaign from a wheelchair and I did not ask my room mate where he got that thing from!
    After we'd won the campaign I went back to our flat, squirreled myself away on the sofa with a fistful of flu meds and a case of beer and the entire first season of 24 (which had just come out on VHS!). 19.5 hours later my room mate came back and I nailed him with a beer bottle and demanded he prove he wasn't a traitor and make the beeping in my head stop. The meds had me pretty messed up but on the plus side I could stand again (maybe not such a plus for John for whom it meant I could chase him round the flat with a bottle opener threatening to torture the truth out of him as to where his daughter was).

  25. 2 of the 3 worst times i was sick i was out of town and had to recover on a hotel bed the first one i was a kid and it was christmas day (took some meds slept for 3 hours and was over it

    the other time i got hit by a stomach bug right after finishing a meatball sub hotpocket (havent had one since) and paced between my BRICK hard bed and the toilet for 3 days and just to make me feel WORSE i was in the area to help at a charity event

  26. Once when I was sick in the Navy I had to load Tomahawk missiles and various bombs on board the Ammo ship I was on. That was horrifying. I also had not yet sobered up from the night before. I had to work through it though to get off the ship for the next two days after or I would be stuck on board. While in Hawaii with massive heat and humidity. Sucked.

  27. I just remembered my answer to this question. Some of you may remember a few years back when i was in the hospital for a possible aneurysm. They did a spinal tap to confirm, which left a hole in my spinal column that leaked spinal fluid and caused SEVERE 24/7 MIND SPLITTING headaches. I would say migraines but that doesn't really do a spinal headache justice. I basically laid down on the couch all day every day, unable to walk, think, look at anything or do anything at all. A couple of weeks passed and it came time to go see Ben Folds with the Dallas Symphony Orchestra. I believe the tickets were a birthday present from my wife. There was no way we were going to miss this show, so I managed to get dressed and she drove us downtown (About 45 mintes to an hour from our house). Before the show even started I knew this was a terrible mistake. The reason a spinal headache hurts so bad is that you dont have enough spinal fluid surrounding your brain inside your skull to properly support it or keep it neutrally buoyant and cushioned in there. Laying down makes this somewhat more bearable, but standing or sitting up really reinforces everything that is going wrong in your melon at the time. I spent the entire show feeling like I was about to have a heart attack. My chest hurt, my heart was racing, the pain in my head was quite literally blinding. By the second half I was laying down behind our row of seats on the ground. As soon as it was over and before the encores were even done we left and went to nearby hospital. Unfortunately it was the super ghetto "i just got shot in the face while trying to set a baby on fire" hospital and it took 13 hours to see a competent doctor that wasn't trying to pump me full of pain meds and send me back out on the street. I would say I should have stayed home, but then I dont know if I would have gone to the hospital (a bill I am still paying for, and will still be paying for years to come).

  28. Actually, cops don't have to tell you that they're cops if they're doing undercover work. Kind of defeats the purpose of being an undercover cop. Ranks right up there with Dora the Explorer saying, "Swiper, stop swiping!" Aw, man…. 😉

  29. I totally feel you on the cold. Got back from NDK in Denver them boom, con plague. It just so happens that it coincided with my seasonal illness time.

  30. Undercover cops don't have to tell you if they're cops… that is an urban legend that stems from Americans who "know their rights!!!" ….yeah. They don't know their rights (ask anyone who says that to you what the 6th amendment is….) and in this case specifically, they don't seem to understand how entrapment works.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entrapment

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