Doctor Doctor, Give Me The News

Check out these geeky lightsaber earrings my wife made!

etsy lightsaber earrings star wars jewelry

[Actually posting this on Friday 10/16/15 since I was at New York Comic Con and spent nearly 3 entire days in restorative ODINSLEEP. I have arisen from my chamber, I’m playing catch up on work and immediately repacking and heading to Austin, TX for Webcomic Rampage. Hope whatever husk of a man I am by the time I get there sees you there!]

Do you want A TON of bonus, extra and alternate comics?!  Then my Patreon is THE PLACE for you. Every little bit helps me continue to make a living, and is QUITE appreciated.


La Cucaracha

I’ve been making alternate versions of my recent comics with NEW JOKES and posting them exclusively for my Patreon Patrons. I posted 5 DIFFERENT VERSION OF YESTERDAY’s COMIC and opened it up for all to see!!!!

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They’re HERE on my Patreon FREE FOR EVERYONE!

Dearest Sharksploders, please help me get my Patreon over the $2000 hump. Comics is my full time job, but it doesn’t currently pay full time money. Every little bit helps and is QUITE appreciated.


This is a no joke thing that happened to me (and probably everyone else whose ever had an allergy test). It was… disconcerting to say the least. It took me forever to realize why they even test for cockroach allergy. I mean, I didn’t plan on eating all that many of them, or grinding them up into a protein shake, or letting them entomb me in a sarcophagus made of their exoskeletons or whatever. Days later I realized that bugs make up large portion of the dust in our homes, so cockroach brand dust might be especially shitty for people with cockroach allergies. I feel like the smart thing would be to do rails of that sweet cockroach dust off a mirror in a bathroom stall in order to build up a super immunity.

What if they figured out the cure for blindness was to inject cockroach dust straight into your eyeball 6 times a day? Would you do it? I bet your eyes would be able to survive a nuclear holocaust, so there’s something for the plus column. TWO things, actually, because you also got your sight back. Of course, you DID lose all your friends and family because you metamorphosed into a disgusting monster. I don’t mean your physical appearance changed at all. It’s just, who wants to associate with someone who has dusty roach eyes?

Let’s finish this off by collectively pretending I made a joke where the punchline was “….seeing through ROACH colored glasses!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHwhatever.

Use It Or Lose It

I’m at San Diego Comic-con RIGHT NOW at the Cyanide & Happiness booth (#1234)! Come say hi, buy and a print and get a sketch from me and the Explosm boys.

The rollover medics! That’s how they get ya! This is basically me trying to understand every communication I have with my insurance company. About a month ago I almost cut my thumb off with an exacto knife, and rather than just go to the hospital, I held a towel over the gushing wound while my wife tried to figure out how much it might cost to get my hand sewn back together by a professional flesh seamstress. I’m grateful for the Affordable Care Act, in so much as I am self employed (or professionally unemployed) and for the first time in 9 years I do HAVE health insurance. But nothing about the ACA requires insurance companies to be clear with their language or comprehensible by a thinking human in any way. Eventually we decided that it would either cost $250 or one hundred million dollars. We chose to glue my hand back into it’s original configuration and go on with out lives. Many weeks later and I have a small scar and ALMOST full feeling in my thumb.

Sharksploders: Have you ever had an “I SHOULD GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM… or maybe I can fix this at home!” moment? No? Just me? I might have decision making problems.

Try This Next Time Your Doctor Asks An Embarrassing Question

Of course the only proper answer to, “How are you pooping?” is, “Mostly indoors. Mostly.” 

I have a STORE that I would like for you to purchase something from. I also have a Patreon and all of the trappings that come with such a thing.

Sometimes I think doctors are trying too hard to be cool with whatever macabre body horror you’re admitting to them. You’re all, “So I just empty out the blood bucket two or three times a day, and it’s been like that for a couple of weeks,” and the doctor replies, “Uh huh, [emphasis on the huh]” or a casual, “Yeah. It’ll do that.” Every once in awhile, it might be more comforting if they let out the occasional, “HOLY SHIT WHAT?!” or “It’s DEFINITELY NOT supposed to do that!” or even “WHAT EVEN PART OF THE BODY IS THAT OH MY JESUS OH MY GOD WHAT IS IT AND WHY ARE YOU SHOWING IT TO ME WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!?”

Quality Assurance

My new podcast Potter & Daughter is live now! You can download the first episode here or subscribe via RSS or iTunesFancy Patreon Patrons get each episode a week early!

It’s freaking cold! Use code 10offhoodies to get $10 off any and all hoodies in the HE store! Use it as many times as you like.

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Some of my daughter’s favorite songs are from the Buffy The Vampire Slayer musical episode, “Once More With Feeling.” She listens to them and sings them constantly, but she’s never seen a single episode of Buffy. She likely won’t for many years to come. I’m thinking 11-12 at the earliest before Buffy-level violence and sex and goofy facial prothesis are appropriate. True story, for those of your familiar with the songs: My wife just recently had to explain, “His penis got diseases from the Chumash Tribe!”

I wonder what she’ll think when she finally sees that episode. It’s damn near at the end of the series, so she’ll have 5ish+ seasons to get through before she gets to the familiar thing she remembers from her earlier childhood. I wonder if she’ll still care by then, or if my opinion on pop culture will still hold any sway.

COMMENTERS: Is there anything you loved as a kid, or your kids loved totally out of context that would have been crazy innapropes had you known the context?

I’m sure a ton of pop songs fall into this category. Jokes too. I would repeat pretty much any joke I heard on An Evening At The Improv or SNL when I was like 10 years old. Looking back, I’m sure 98% of them were about sex, drugs, airplane peanuts and the deal with them (What is it? What IS the deal?).