People With Idiot Cat Brains: A Bug

Hey! It’s another “People With Idiot Cat Brains!” Here’s the previous installmentsWhen my cat, Tivo, was young he would catch grasshoppers, chase them around the house, then systematically maim them, reducing their mobility and life expectancy a little bit at a time. Finally, he’d take it one step too far, bop it pretty good on the thorax or whatever, and stare puzzled as to why it was no longer half-hopping and spastically twitching around our living room.

When my Patreon hits the next goal ($2000), I’ll start making Patron-only exclusive monthly comics! Your $5 a month can make that a real thing for real!


Nowadays, both of our cats will just sort of sit in one spot, transfixed on a moth or junebug that’s made its way inside. They are infinitely interested in its activities, yet infinitely disinterested in moving their lazy asses in order to effect any change on its circumstance. If it happens to cross within an arm’s length radius of one of the cats, a couple of quick bops, and it’s a motionless pile of formerly-a-bug. Then they stare at it for another couple of hours for good measure.

Here’s a T-Shirt I made about how much people care about fictional depictions of long past interstellar conflicts.

HijiNKS ENSUE I have opinions about Space Wizards - Star Wars t-shirt

People With Idiot Cat Brains: Using The Bathroom

I have completely retooled my Patreon rewards and goals! Become a Patron now and you can help me release more eBooks of my comics and sketches, bonus monthly Patron-Only comics, an album of cover songs, a LOST EPISODE OF THE HIJINKS ENSUE PODCAST, and MORE! Read the details HERE or just check out my Patreon HERE.


From down the hall their manager, Devon, can he heard furiously clapping his hands and shouting, “HEY! HEY! YOU STOP IT! GREG, YOU GET! GET OFF HIM! LET HIM DO HIS BUS-DAMMIT GREG! GET! GEEIT! You dumb piece of shit, Greg.”


People With Idiot Cat Brains: Dinner Time

Look at these t-shirts I made for you! Look at them, then complete the necessary steps to own them!

HijiNKS ENSUE Store t-shirts


Our cats, Tivo and Replay, have extremely specific dietary needs. Not about what type of food they eat, but about how, when and in what orientation it’s served. Replay can’t eat, even with a completely full bowl, until my wife has acknowledged the bowl by physically touching it. He then bores a hole through the food with his face until he reaches the bottom, and screams until someone shakes the bowl and he can no longer see the offending white plastic. I’ve considered taking a picture of his food, printing it out and glueing it to the bottom of his bowl. But, if I follow through with that plan, who is really the pet? Me or him?

Tivo likes to eat when Replay eats, but Replay only wants to eat Tivo’s food. If Tivo picks the first bowl, “FUCK YOU THAT’S REPLAY’S BOWL!” If he waits until Replay chooses a bowl then takes the other, “FUCK YOU THAT IS ALSO REPLAY’S BOWL YOU MAKE ME CRAZY WHY DO YOU MAKE ME BE LIKE THIS?!?!?” Tivo like to scrape a few pieces of food into his water, then stare and them like, “How in the natural FUCK did that get in there?” He’ll splash them about for a bit, then occasionally cry until someone removes them and gives him clean water.

We let these things live in our homes. On purpose.

I hope you like the People With Idiot Cat Brains, because I’m doing a few comics with them.

Scavenger Hunt

If our cats didn’t teach us lessons, we would never learn. Without supervision and proper admonishment, we might continue negative behaviors like sometimes leaving the house, or putting a thing in a place where the cat wants to be later, or not topping off the completely full food bowl so that there’s a nice peak to the food pile. It’s true what they say, most people are untrainable. It’s not that they’re inherently stupid… well it’s not JUST that. It’s in their nature to be aloof loners with total disregard for for superior feline lifeforms.

Sharkploders: How do you cats punish you when you misbehave? 

Singing My Nine Lives With His Words

The popular quantum physics thought experiment, Schrodinger’s Cat, goes thusly: Schrodinger would lock himself in a room with his cat, then pick it up and scream the theme from Magnum P.I. into his face (using only the word “kitty” of course). Now, until someone opened the door and observed Schrodinger’s face, it existed in both clawed off and not-clawed off but let’s face it probably clawed off states simultaneously.

Sharksploders: You do weird shit to your cats, right? C’mon. Of course you do.