The iLluminati

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OMG you guys, Apple totally wants to go steady with Tim Cook! Brenda told Gina and Gina told Stephanie H. that after study hall, Apple is going to give Tim Cook a million shares of their company valued at nearly 400 million dollars that will be fully vested over the next 10 years! OMG OMG OMG! Couldn’t you just die!? They are going to be SO. FREAKING. CUTE together. Totes.

I know Tim Cook’s sexuality doesn’t really pertain to his new job as AppleLord [All hail AppleLord may his blessings be upon you], but I do think a gay man being in charge of one of the largest tech companies in the world is a good step towards universal acceptance of homosexuals. I don’t expect him to crusade for gay rights or anything. It’s better for humanity as a whole if he just does a great job as a gay man in a high profile position.¬†As dumb as this may sound, if some guy with lingering homophobia has the realization that, “I love Apple. Tim Cook runs Apple. Tim Cook is gay. So… gays aren’t evil?” the world becomes a slightly less hateful place.

All of that tolerance aside, the secret gay cabal that runs the media is coming for us, and they won’t stop until we are enslaved under their fashionable iron boot and they rule the over-side. Be afraid. Be super crazy fancy afraid.

 

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32 Comments

  1. hail to the apple lord and may the council of genius' (geni-i?) continue to bless us with the all-fixing updates long into the reign of the mole-gays and beyond

    Reply
    • So wait, if the Morlocks were the "mole-gays" does that make the Eloi twinks?

      Reply
      • Sure, that works in the real world, so why not that one?

        Reply
  2. Quickly! Unleash the Rock Hudson / Freddy Mercury hybrids from the cloning vats!

    Reply
  3. Does this mean that they'll switch back to the classic rainbow apple logo again?

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    • Yeah, I always wondered what was up with switching from the rainbow apple to the plain white apple. I thought the rainbow Apple logo was pretty cool.

      Reply
      • They had to make it "palatable" to all the homophobes…now that they all have iThings, let the indoctrination begin!

        Reply
  4. Someone contact Barrowman. We will need his Vortex Manipulator and bedroom eyes in the coming days.

    Reply
    • I think we need those things EVERY day…

      Reply
  5. I'm happy to be a sort-of muse from time-to-time.

    Reply
  6. Love the Dollhouse reference. Made my day. Thank you Joel

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  7. Oooh! Dollhouse reference! Nicely done.

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  8. See, the gay conspiracy thing is one of those concepts that make absolutely no sense. What, centuries worth of being brutally opressed, assaulted and murdered at every opportunity by fundamentalist authorities or groups was all part of the great plan or something? Hell, the same goes for the jewish conspirracy idea.

    Reply
  9. Though that train of thought could work oppsite on those who thing Apples are evil.
    Apples are Evil
    Apple is run by "a gay"
    Therefore: Gays are evil

    Though if you go with "Apples are gay," Then its just kinda redundant.

    Reply
    • Apples ain't gay. Not like Bananas, Liberace of fruit.

      Reply
      • No, I think you're thinking cumquats…they're the secret gay fruit. A banana is really bi.

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  10. In my experience, the "Mac guy" stereotype is fairly accurate, in that I don't know any Mac people who appear to be homophobes. Overall, they're a pretty tolerant lot.

    If the secret GAYBAL (yeah, it's the gay cabal) really wanted to install one of their own in a place where it might have that sort of effect on people, maybe putting him in charge of something like NASCAR would make more sense.

    Reply
    • We are in NASCAR.

      Reply
      • "Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated.
        Your technological and biological distinctivness will service our own."

        Reply
  11. Unfortunately, for the homophobe (where homophobe = gay) repubtards it goes like this:

    I like Apple
    Tim Cook runs Apple.
    Tim Cook is gay
    Apple is gay
    I hate Apple

    Reply
    • I think you mean:

      I like Apple.
      Tim Cook runs Apple.
      Tim Cook is gay.
      The gays have taken over Apple.
      I hate Apple and the fact that Apple products have taken over my life.
      Gays have taken over my life.
      Must stop gays and Apple.

      Reply
  12. Hmmm… I would've thought the title would be something more… Apple-y. Like the iBoss… or KingMac or something…

    Reply
    • I can't tell if the title is "The Illuminati" or "The Illuminat!"
      Kind of prefer the second one.

      Reply
      • I see "iLLUMINATI".

        This is one reason I prefer serif fonts.

        Reply
        • Watch out for the Zurich gnomes. Those old queens will cut you.

          Reply
  13. Oh god, run! It's mauve and dangerous!

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  14. Wait a minute … people are still hung up on gays?

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    • Just the jealous closet cases and the holy rollers, same as it ever was.

      Reply
  15. Joel's artwork has improved by leaps and bounds, but I kinda miss the extra-thick outlines that made the cast look like Muppets.

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    • I like "Agent Gigglepants" from the hover text…watch the clip of The Silver Fox trying to make a poo joke on his show and losing it.

      Reply
  16. sometimes i do to.

    Reply
  17. Dollhouse reference=I love you

    Reply

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