The iLluminati


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OMG you guys, Apple totally wants to go steady with Tim Cook! Brenda told Gina and Gina told Stephanie H. that after study hall, Apple is going to give Tim Cook a million shares of their company valued at nearly 400 million dollars that will be fully vested over the next 10 years! OMG OMG OMG! Couldn’t you just die!? They are going to be SO. FREAKING. CUTE together. Totes.

I know Tim Cook’s sexuality doesn’t really pertain to his new job as AppleLord [All hail AppleLord may his blessings be upon you], but I do think a gay man being in charge of one of the largest tech companies in the world is a good step towards universal acceptance of homosexuals. I don’t expect him to crusade for gay rights or anything. It’s better for humanity as a whole if he just does a great job as a gay man in a high profile position.¬†As dumb as this may sound, if some guy with lingering homophobia has the realization that, “I love Apple. Tim Cook runs Apple. Tim Cook is gay. So… gays aren’t evil?” the world becomes a slightly less hateful place.

All of that tolerance aside, the secret gay cabal that runs the media is coming for us, and they won’t stop until we are enslaved under their fashionable iron boot and they rule the over-side. Be afraid. Be super crazy fancy afraid.


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    • Yeah, I always wondered what was up with switching from the rainbow apple to the plain white apple. I thought the rainbow Apple logo was pretty cool.

      • They had to make it "palatable" to all the homophobes…now that they all have iThings, let the indoctrination begin!

  1. See, the gay conspiracy thing is one of those concepts that make absolutely no sense. What, centuries worth of being brutally opressed, assaulted and murdered at every opportunity by fundamentalist authorities or groups was all part of the great plan or something? Hell, the same goes for the jewish conspirracy idea.

  2. Though that train of thought could work oppsite on those who thing Apples are evil.
    Apples are Evil
    Apple is run by "a gay"
    Therefore: Gays are evil

    Though if you go with "Apples are gay," Then its just kinda redundant.

  3. In my experience, the "Mac guy" stereotype is fairly accurate, in that I don't know any Mac people who appear to be homophobes. Overall, they're a pretty tolerant lot.

    If the secret GAYBAL (yeah, it's the gay cabal) really wanted to install one of their own in a place where it might have that sort of effect on people, maybe putting him in charge of something like NASCAR would make more sense.

  4. Unfortunately, for the homophobe (where homophobe = gay) repubtards it goes like this:

    I like Apple
    Tim Cook runs Apple.
    Tim Cook is gay
    Apple is gay
    I hate Apple

    • I think you mean:

      I like Apple.
      Tim Cook runs Apple.
      Tim Cook is gay.
      The gays have taken over Apple.
      I hate Apple and the fact that Apple products have taken over my life.
      Gays have taken over my life.
      Must stop gays and Apple.

  5. Hmmm… I would've thought the title would be something more… Apple-y. Like the iBoss… or KingMac or something…

  6. Joel's artwork has improved by leaps and bounds, but I kinda miss the extra-thick outlines that made the cast look like Muppets.

    • I like "Agent Gigglepants" from the hover text…watch the clip of The Silver Fox trying to make a poo joke on his show and losing it.

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