Afraid Of The Future

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The Chinese government has banned movies and TV shows that depict time travel. They did this presumably in order to prevent filmakers from depicting people traveling back to feudal China and realizes it was terrible or some such nonsense. I assume this whole new legislation was brought on by Ninja Turtles 3. This film must be such a slap in the face to Chinese lawmakers. First of all, turtles are NOT ninja heroes. They are food. Their shells are rendered into a disgusting “turtle jelly” and slurped up in cafes all over China. The fact that they are walking and talking and wisecracking and kicking people instead of being consumed must provoke Communist outrage. Secondly, the film shows feudal China as… oh… wait… it was Japan? They were in Japan? Never mind. Either way that movie was terrible and certainly started this whole time travel mess. If only there was a way to go back in time and prevent that movie from ever…

COMMENTERS: Rather than dwell on the limitations of the freedoms of the Chinese people, let’s focus on siller things. For instance, how would various sci-fi time travel movies be affected were they edited down for broadcast on Chinese TV [I do understand they aren’t actually editing time travel out of movies].

For instance: There’s the raunchy comedy Four Grown Men In An Unremarkable Hot Tub For a Few Minutes. And you can’t forget the Bill Murray classic An Asshole Has One Bad Day In A Shitty Little Town. I assume Primer and Donnie Darko would slip through the cracks seeing as how no one can follow the plot of either of those movies anyway.

 

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83 Comments

  1. LOST might actually make sense if they were to edit out all the time travel. Or it might make things worse come to think of it. They could remove any scene that mentions time travel but keep all the scenes that take place in the past/future and try and pass it off as the present.

      • Did it ever occur to anyone that because they went back in time and took those whales they hastened their original extinction?

        • I think the movie deals with that by saying they would have been killed by whalers almost immediately.

          • Technically, if you watch the movie, you can edit out the parts between where they first show the window in Starfleet Command blowing out, then the Bird of Prey crashing into the bay….you'll just get Admiral Kirk & Co. summoning up some whales (out of a tachyon inversion in the replicator, or something), and saving the future. The End

            I think the movie would wind up being 15 minutes long or something like that. (We're Trekkers and we figured all this out decades ago…China owes us some money, or lead-free toothpaste or something for stealing our idea.)

        • No no no. There was no time travel, there were no dreams, there was no memory jumping around. He *had* no memory. The weird sequence of shots was designed to create the confusion he feels within the minds of the audience, to enable us to relate to him. It wasn't actually happening that way within the "reality" of the story. I slap all three of you with a trout!

  2. Star Trek: First Conta… no wait. Star Trek: Borg Invasion!

    Watch Picard boldy defy his superiors and blow up a Borg cube slightly closer to Earth than no man has ever done before!

    • Or the finale of TNG: "All Good Things" – The crew sits around and talks about the good times and discuss their plans for after Picard retires.

    • You also have to wipe out a number of Voyager eps., parts of Star Trek: Generations, and random chunks of TOS, ENT, and prolly DS9 as well.
      Star Trek was built on time travel, tachyon inversions, holodeck BSoD's, and Wyrmhole Alienses. So there.

      • I was going to say that Generations didn't have time travel, just dimesional shifts, but then remembered Picard had to go back in time to before the probe launched so….

        Generations would just end with Viridian III blowing up and every dying. Good times, good times…

  3. The Final Countdown: Kirk Douglas and Martin Sheen get caught in a bad storm on an aircraft carrier, then go back to Pearl Harbor once it's over.

  4. The Roulette Machine. (The time machine)
    Short film about a guy that creates a machine with a big wheel and all the fun he had pulling the lever, again and again and again…

  5. Jules Verne's media-aware classic, "The Movie-Ending Machine", about a beautifully crafted polished brass chair with a shitload of levers, also mostly made of brass.

    When the main character pulls a lever, the movie ends.

    • Yeah, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between the classic-est of sci-fi authors. But Verne books don't really have plots like Wells books do. If you feel like you're reading an encyclopedia full of made-up facts, you're reading Verne. If an army of giant tripods are starting to get sniffly, and you're starting to have your doubts about the merits of a rigid class system in England, you're reading Wells.

    • Actually, I think it would have to be that Sam Becket just dies immediately when he steps in the accelerator.

  6. Pulp Fiction – Two Friends have breakfast and talk about the pros and cons of eating pork (aka digging on the swine)

  7. The butterfly effect-Ashton Kutcher bleeds from his nose and go to college.
    A sound of Thunder- Scientist on crazy outfits talk about…pizza and get laid.

  8. The Roulette Machine (The time machine)- Short movie about a guy creates a machine that has a cute roulette that turns everytime the pulls the lever and he pulls it again and again and again…Wheeeeee!

  9. "Movie After Movie" Malcom McDowell plays HG Wells who sits around his house. Meanwhile a lonely bank clerk in 1980's San Francisco gets herpes (that's what they did back then, kids!) and doesn't amount to much

  10. Seven Days: This past week, a lot of bad things happened. If only we had known about them, we could have tried to stop them. [does anybody else remember this awful show?]

    • All you would have to do to remove the time travel from that ending is to actually apply the laws of physics to it.

      • Superman flies around the earth and instead of reversing time the world just suffers mega quakes and tidal waves.

  11. The Bandits – A boy's parents collect lots of crap, including a toaster that burns the house down and kills them. The boy is confused and then a giant rolls him up into piece of paper.
    Fin.

  12. I bet you could edit that movie to where it seems like they're roommates that just dont talk in person.

  13. What if this extends to literature?
    A Connecticut Yankee Archaeologist Excavates King Arthur's Court?
    And The House On The Strand would get awfully short …

  14. It's a lazy plot device, the Chinese government has done its people a favor.

    Back to the Future: A crazy old scientist who hangs out with little boys falls in with terrorists and gets killed.

  15. Demolition Man… apparently now about a cop who chases a criminal into a freezer and they both die.

    So it doesn't matter how you use the seashells.

    • Demolition Man wasn't about time travel. Both characters were frozen, years passed, and then they were thawed out. It's like saying a a movie about a man in a coma is a time travel movie.

  16. Christopher Reeve in MAN PINES FOR PORTRAIT OF JANE SEYMOUR, BUT CAN'T REACH HER BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR CENTURIES.

    TERMINATOR: Linda Hamilton works as a frustrated waitress for 40 years and then dies uneventfully.

    Jim Cavaziel's INFREQUENCY: A man believes he is talking to his decades-dead father on a ham radio; He is involuntarily committed.

    PRESENTURAMA.

  17. What if china found a way to time travel ,then being a military secret , it makes sense that they ban movies about said subject. makes you think and think and think…

  18. Stein's Gate: A show about an eccentric self-proclaimed "mad scientist" him and his friends hang out in his apartment and try to invent things. He finds a dead girl who's been stabbed in the first episode, but it has no impact on the plot whatsoever.

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