Infinite Martys In Infinite Combinations

I think about Back To The Future a lot. Like, more than a regular lot. A LOT a lot. I frequently watch the movies with my wife, and I frequently pause the movies for extended periods of time to go on rants about the various unchecked, universe ending paradoxes within the series and, let me tell you what, these rants are guaranteed panty melters… except the opposite of that. They’re… panty doublers? Panty reinforcers? Stone cold panty fortifiers? Anyway, about a week ago I posted a bunch of those “a lot of thoughts about Back To The Future” on Twitter, then my friend Wil dared me to make a comic about them (as he is wont to do) and I obliged.

Please check out my Patreon and throw in a a few bucks a month so that making comics can continue to be my job.

If that doesn’t suit you, how about buying yourself a nice shirt or print from my store. That’s almost entirely self-serving when you think about it. Getting yourself a present, that is. You deserve it. You did a good thing one time, and now you need a reward lest you forget why you do good deeds at all and descend into your own personal moral chaos spectrum.

I am happy to answer any questions about Back To The Future, the Infinite Martys Paradox, the 1885/1955/1985/2015 Temporal Nexus or Why Doc Brown doesn’t understand time travel or causality at all that you may decide to post in the comments. Rest assured that my answers will be 100% canon, truthful and definitive.

Causality And FX

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Alternate Title: Tera Novella

Before you jump up my ass, YES I know they wrote off the possibility of a paradox in the pilot of Terra Nova by saying the past they travel to is in an “alternate time stream.” More on why I think that’s bullshit later.

Ok, so I gave the Terra Nova pilot a shot. The short version is that it’s Jurassic Park meets Avatar with a little bit of Lost thrown in for good measure. There’s dinosaurs and humans juxtaposed, there’s escaping a dystopian Earth in favor of a hostile but majestic jungle environment and there’s “no matter what you were, you get a second chance on the island in the past” to round out the premise. There are even a group of  “others” to add a little mayhem and mystery.

Let’s start with the shitty future humanity traps itself in. Fans of sci-fi will find nothing new about the present day future of Terra Nova. It’s all well trodden ground. Humanity destroys itself with greed, overpopulation and environmental devastation. The air sucks, the living quarters are tiny and only the most wealthy and connected don’t live on the brink of extinction. Through a coincidence, seemingly caused by parking two supercolliders next to each other, scientists discover a “fracture” to 85 million years in the past. A probe is sent through, assuming it will automatically show up somewhere in the present. When it doesn’t they determine this past is in a different time line, so it’s ripe for exploring, and settling and butterfly stepping on without fear of paradox… IN OUR UNIVERSE. What about the present of the parallel Earth whose past they are invading? Maybe they didn’t fuck up their planet. Maybe the first person who goes through that portal commits planetary genocide. Why is that not a concern?

Anyway, they decide the only future for humanity lies 85 million years in the past so they start sending settlers through the portal to establish a new colony. It isn’t explicitly stated, but I assume the idea is “Our Earth is fucked. Everyone on it is going to die. Screw those guys. The people in the past and their descendants are going to be the only humans to survive long term.” Seems a bit short-sighted. Why didn’t they just invest all that future know-how into a more advanced space program and work on terraforming and colonizing Mars? Oh… right. Because then they wouldn’t have a show where people get chased by dinosaurs.

The dinosaur effects are passable, but shockingly NOT up to snuff with the original Jurassic Park. How does that film keep aging so well? All in all, the 2 part pilot was rather enjoyable but rife with confusing, nit-picky plot holes and story difficulties that could prove too big to overcome without alienating the hardcore sci-fi fan (again, the “alternate time stream = go nuts, do whatever we want” thing will never stop bothering me). I will say the characters and the pacing are a DRASTIC improvement over Spielberg’s last genre TV outing Falling Skies. There was a decent dose of family drama, but it didn’t weigh the whole show down like it did on Falli… 7th Heaven + Aliens.

I will probably give Terra Nova at least a good 4-5 eps to show me what it’s got, though I find it nearly impossible to concentrate on the plot with all the Jurassic Park jokes I keep making while watching it. Every time General Avatar showed Main Character Cop/Dad a new area of the compound (especially his living quarters which looked suspiciously like a page out of the IKEA catalog), I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out “Spared no expense!”

COMMENTERS: Did you see Terra Nova? Any thoughts? [posting mine in a few minutes, check back and refresh]

The Ballerina And The Marmoset

The Doctor Is In T-Shirt

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NEW HE PODCASTEpisode 83 “Ass Merkins”

I will save commenting on the Doctor Who season premiere, “The Impossible Astronaut,” until after I see part two. I will say that I really enjoyed what I saw and I think it sets up a great arch for the rest of the season, but I really feel like it cut off right in the middle of the episode, so what I have seen is incomplete.

I have about 40 episodes of Tennant-era Who on my DVR right now, as my wife and I are working our way through the complete re-tooled series (while watching 11 concurrently). Panel 1 above represents my honest reaction to reading the list of recorded eps last night. They really do have FANTASTIC titles. You get the impression Davies and Moffat originally wanted careers naming bands and somehow stumbled into television.

“Voyage Of The Damed” sounds like a Mastodon B-Sides album. “Utopia” is all vast, etherial keyboards and vaguely Celtic moaning. “The Lazarus Experiment” is a stoner granola-fusion trio featuring Les Claypool and Trey Anastasio. They only have one song and it has no beginning or end. “Family Of Blood” is a 90’s clown make up, horror show 9-piece alterna-rap outfit from Norman, Oklahoma. They are obscenely terrible, yet still better than Korn.

COMMENTERS: I will give you two options. Either take a Doctor Who episode title and tell me what the band with the same name is all about, or give me a band name that sounds like a Doctor Who ep. For bonus points, generate a new Doctor Who episode title that could also pass for a band name (ie the name of this particular comic). Oh, and feel free to talk about the premiere. No spoilers, please.

HEY! Check out this interview I did for Hollywood Jane.

ALSO HEY! Check out this interview my friend Tom Brislin did for The Functional Nerds Podcast. He does all the music for the HE Podcast and he’s one of my favorite people.


Afraid Of The Future

If you are waiting on your copy of HE Book 2, PLEASE READ THIS!!!

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The Chinese government has banned movies and TV shows that depict time travel. They did this presumably in order to prevent filmakers from depicting people traveling back to feudal China and realizes it was terrible or some such nonsense. I assume this whole new legislation was brought on by Ninja Turtles 3. This film must be such a slap in the face to Chinese lawmakers. First of all, turtles are NOT ninja heroes. They are food. Their shells are rendered into a disgusting “turtle jelly” and slurped up in cafes all over China. The fact that they are walking and talking and wisecracking and kicking people instead of being consumed must provoke Communist outrage. Secondly, the film shows feudal China as… oh… wait… it was Japan? They were in Japan? Never mind. Either way that movie was terrible and certainly started this whole time travel mess. If only there was a way to go back in time and prevent that movie from ever…

COMMENTERS: Rather than dwell on the limitations of the freedoms of the Chinese people, let’s focus on siller things. For instance, how would various sci-fi time travel movies be affected were they edited down for broadcast on Chinese TV [I do understand they aren’t actually editing time travel out of movies].

For instance: There’s the raunchy comedy Four Grown Men In An Unremarkable Hot Tub For a Few Minutes. And you can’t forget the Bill Murray classic An Asshole Has One Bad Day In A Shitty Little Town. I assume Primer and Donnie Darko would slip through the cracks seeing as how no one can follow the plot of either of those movies anyway.


The Time Travelers Wife Has A Lot Of Free Time

Every man I know who sports both a penis AND a vagina twixt his thighs says I should totally read The Time Travelers Wife and have a good cry into my matching brassier and panties. Do they really expect me to see a “sci-fi” movie that seems to have more in common with The Notebook than Blade Runner? Ah, but they weren’t suggesting I see the movie. They were suggesting I explore the source material, which is apparently a very different time traveling animal. Even those fans of the book seem to have the same misgivings as I do about the movie.

hijinks-ensue-godspeed-you-fancy-bastard-book-300x300Knowing myself as well as I do, I realized I will certainly never read the book so I did the next best/worst thing and read the plot synopsis on Wikipedia. I’m sorry, vengeful Internet! I just had to know what was up with this quantum leaper and his spouse. No spoilers, but it’s actually a very cool story with a wonderfully tragic ending. Maybe that was a spoiler. If you don’t like tragedy, make sure to see the movie because they changed the ending after focus groups said it was too much of a downer. Movies, after all, aren’t supposed to make you feel sad, or uncomfortable, or angry or be anything but an escape from our mundane lives into mundane fantasy. I guess that’s why I’m having such a hard time selling my screen play about the plight of African AIDS babies getting sold to warlords to work in diamond mines. It’s called “Look Who’s Talking and Has AIDS: Baby Blood Diamond.” All the babies would be voiced by Wayans’s.