Doctor, It Hurts When You Do This.


Update 09-03-14: I am frantically trying to update/backdate new comics so there are 4 a week for every week since I got back from Toronto.

Teaching kids to deal with and even anticipate disappointment is tough. Teaching them that certain humans called “Genre Fiction Showrunners” revel in building up their hopes, just to dash them against the bloody rocks is nearly impossible. Children want to believe people are basically good, but they lack the experience and emotional sophistication to comprehend that many showrunners often are not… people, that is.

My Patrons can see the original last panel to this comic with completely different dialog and a different ending [HERE]. 


My wife and I will often carry on these deep, philosophical and analytical conversations about the worlds our kid’s shows take place in. Curious George is a frequent puzzler for us. George occupies a universe where no one takes issue with a man raising an ape (no tail = not a monkey) as a child. They can all understand him when he “talks” and they almost always leave him in charge of their stores, restaurants, human children, dumptrucks, air traffic control stations, etc. when the opportunity presents itself. The other, almost MORE crazy, thing people in George’s world do is give him stuff to deliver. “Oh hey, George the animal ape! Can you take this pie to Mrs. Stevens on Elmhurst St. She’s in the Parker building between 5th and 6th in apartment 14b. You got all that, George? George the naked ape? Can you be trusted to take her this food, and to NOT put your feces covered paws all over it? YOU CAN?! Excellent!” They even sent him to space once*.

Then we realized what we’re talking about and go make a sex, or drink delicious wine or whatever grownups do.

*DISCLAIMER: Curious George is actually an excellent show for children from about 2 to 9. Every episode is about using the scientific method to solve real world problems, and I’ve seen the positive effects it has on my daughter. It gets her thinking in that “hypothesis, experiment, evaluate results, try again” headspace. After she finishes an episode, she usually runs to the craft table and tries to build a scale version of whatever contraption George built to stop cap the out of control underwater oil well or whatever.

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Sonic Screwdriver earrings my wife made! 

sonic screwdriver earings matt smith elevelth doctor who etsy



After Con Special


Update 09-03-14: I am frantically trying to update/backdate new comics so there are 4 a week for every week since I got back from Toronto.

Inevitably, I always miss something important when I’m out of town. I missed my daughter’s first day of kindergarten while I was away at a convention. I left a day early so I wouldn’t miss it, but Delta flat out lied to an entire plane full of people who had connecting flights and told us even though our first plane arrive 45 minutes late we would all still make our connections. Spoilers: Zero people made their connections, and because so many people were affected by the lie, they decided to help NONE of us.


So Delta lost a customer for life, and I lost a once in a lifetime opportunity to be there for my kid when she needed me. Of course, first days of school are one thing. New Doctors are another thing all together. I’m not sure how I feel about Capaldi yet. I don’t know if I not warming up to HIM, or to he AND CLARA, or just to Clara in general. I feel like her story was complete when The Doctor found out what “the impossible girl” really was. It felt like a complete arch, and now it feels like she just forgot to leave or die or get trapped in an alternate reality or whatever it is most companions do at the end of their adventures.

There are separate rumors that Clara, Capaldi and/or Moffat will be leaving after this series. I‘d be more likely to believe Clara and Moffat were splitsville, and Capaldi will be around for the requisite 3-4 years. It took me awhile to warm up to Matt Smith, so I am reserving judgement on Capaldi for now. I started with Tennant, so I’m not used to an old, cranky Doctor. I see the door open on that blue box and I expect a young, spry, good looking dude to pop out and start causing/solving problems. Maybe the Universe as a whole is just in an older, crankier state, so it needs an older, crankier Doctor. Honestly, at this point my feelings wouldn’t be hurt if Smith was the last Doctor and The Adventures of Jenny, Vastra and Strax started in Doctor Who‘s place. Of course Captain Jack would be in at least half the episodes. Can you imagine him trying in vain to woo the good and lizardly Madame? Fun times, I’m telling you.

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Sonic Screwdriver earrings my wife made! 

sonic screwdriver earings matt smith elevelth doctor who etsy



Denver Comic Con 2014 Fancy Sketches


Dearest Fancy Bastards, if you enjoy this comic, please check out my store, my shirts on Sharksplode, and my wife’s geeky jewelry on Etsy. It would help us out a great deal.

Thanks for coming out to see me in Denver last weekend (even though you were actually there to see Cyanide & Happiness). Here are some of the hundreds of sketches we drew for various enthusiastic Denverites. These are probably THE ONLY sketches from the entire weekend that didn’t involve graphic nudity, intense and disturbing sexual imagery, horrific violence and just a ton of boners and ass blood. It was that kind of weekend.

Fancy Patrons: We are less than $50 away from unlocking more comics per week!



Emerald City Comicon 2014 Fancy Sketches


Oh sweet merciful crapbastards, Seattle, you are always so good to me. I am on an airplane (the kind in the sky) right now, so please enjoy these convention sketches in lieu of a comic update today. I had an amazing time with my wonderful friends and was, once again, showered with generosity from the Pacific Northwest Fancy Bastards.

If you would like to see some of what I was up to this weekend, please check my twitter feed for #ECCC and #ECCC2014.

See you next year, Emerald City!

Oh, and I ran out of most of my prints early on Sunday. If you weren’t able to get the HE print you wanted at the show, you can always get prints and posters in The HE Store



The Face Of D’oh!


As you determine where to spend your hard earned monies this holiday season, might I suggest these fine establishments?

  • The HijiNKS ENSUE Store: Books, Prints, Posters, T-Shirts and more by yours truly!
  • Sharksplode: Geeky T-Shirts by me and Wil Wheaton, made to order!
  • Science & Fiction: My wife’s Etsy shop full of fantastically geeky jewelry!
  • Emily Watson Photography: Give a loved one a beautifully restored photo to remind them of how live used to not be so burned, torn and sepia toned.

If you want to support HijiNKS ENSUE for the holidays, but hate capitalism then perhaps you would enjoy GIVING A DONATION or purchasing sometime on my Amazon Wishlist? All of those ideas sound terrible? Then how about a digital highfive via Twitter or email?

Comments (45)

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yaluckyboy's avatar

yaluckyboy · 81 weeks ago

“answer three trivia questions about My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic” got me
“[Y]ou must rank the Star Trek Captains from ‘best to Janeway’.” Oh, so it’s best, bester, bestest, bestester, Janeway? Sounds good to me.

7 replies · active 80 weeks ago

There is no New Kirk. That would imply there was a new Star Trek after “Of Gods and Men”
lou's avatar

lou · 81 weeks ago

What I took from this is Archer is better than Janeway. Although I can’t come up with why Janeway gets so much flak.
Ali's avatar

Ali · 81 weeks ago

This. Archer violated the Prime Directive as a matter of course, or would have if it had existed yet, and once came this | | close to literally throwing a guy out an airlock. How the hell is Janeway worse than him?
Mitch H.'s avatar

Mitch H. · 80 weeks ago

Throwing dudes out of airlocks is the very epitome of Awesome. Just ask Laura “Airlock” Roslin.
Oh, no. Archer doesn’t count at all.
Jason's avatar

Jason · 81 weeks ago

We’re only talking 4 captains including Janeway, right?

3 replies · active 81 weeks ago

Tom327Cat's avatar

Tom327Cat · 81 weeks ago

Why would we be talking only 4 Captains? Is this because Sulu lost the captaincy on Muppets Tonight to Captain Kangaroo?
Picard, Kirk, Sisko, Janeway, the end.
BoldlyGettingThere's avatar

BoldlyGettingThere · 81 weeks ago

“I share the same “Best-to-Janeway” as Joel Watson” is my new brag
I had to think about that one for a while.
Tony's avatar

Tony · 81 weeks ago

If you’re old, scrawny, and bald enough, you can probably circumvent all the troll’s questions provided you’re the right combination of awesome and shameless to come up with some sweet Cohen the Barbarian cosplay and are capable of reenacting “Troll Bridge” with said troll…
lou's avatar

lou · 81 weeks ago

The Sonic Screwdriver: for whenever you need to assemble a cabinet at somebody.
Awww, I want a sonic screwdriver… Either third or tenth would be preferred

…okay, maybe not third. That was back when it couldn’t manipulate physical objects

6 replies · active 79 weeks ago

Fair warning, the plastic replicas that are commonly sold at conventions start to fall apart almost immediately. My “Eleven” was in top shape for maybe the first week.
There aren’t any metal ones? Or at least of a better quality plastic?
I dont keep up on this a lot but the last time I saw a metal one it was an official prop made by hand by the propmaster of DW and it was like $4000.
Trish's avatar

Trish · 81 weeks ago

Darn it, if only I had a spare lung to sell…Oh wait…
All I’m saying is, if God DIDN’T want you to sell your lung to buy a sonic screwdriver, he wouldn’t have given you two.
that’s my philosophy for kidneys too!
Stephen's avatar

Stephen · 81 weeks ago

There should be a ranking of “struggling with humanity” characters. i.e. The Doctor (emh), Data, Spock, Seven of Nine. Those aren’t in any particular order except the The Doctor is the best.

1 reply · active 80 weeks ago

Where do I find a wife like that?

7 replies · active 77 weeks ago

DuckAmuck's avatar

DuckAmuck · 80 weeks ago

In my experience, many wives have that ability – with YOUR stuff. We can’t find our own stuff to save our lives…

It’s really bad when the husband in question is wearing a 4-pocket hoodie, an 8-pocket jean jacket and the never-ending-pocketed cargo pants. “Did you check ALL your pockets?”

Not really what I meant. I meant the whole, being a geek, and referencing the show.
DuckAmuck's avatar

DuckAmuck · 80 weeks ago

DuckAmuck's avatar

DuckAmuck · 80 weeks ago

Or, really, the TRUE answer is “you don’t find a wife like that… she finds YOU.”
rachel's avatar

rachel · 79 weeks ago

I definitely found my husband rather than the other way around, yeap 🙂

though I can never find a god-damn thing, and he’s always telling ME where I lost my crap in the house!

Leigh's avatar

Leigh · 77 weeks ago

my husband found me at ren fair. I’m not sure if he decided to marry me when he found out I came with a framed 70’s lotr poster & framed princess bride poster, when he saw my star trek and star wars Christmas ornaments, or when he realized my book collection exceeded his.
Liam's avatar

Liam · 80 weeks ago

I can answer the first two questions okay to get in but I always get it wrong when I am asked what my favorite color is.

1 reply · active 80 weeks ago

lou's avatar

lou · 80 weeks ago

In the event they change it up and ask you about the air velocity of a swallow, ask if it’s European or African. Always works for me.
Carol Elaine's avatar

Carol Elaine · 80 weeks ago

I have to answer My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic trivia? I may never be able to enter another con again.

(Have never seen any MLP. Never plan on ever seeing it.)

Steve's avatar

Steve · 80 weeks ago

Picard, Sisko, Archer, Kirk, Janeway. Not that tough.
rachel's avatar

rachel · 79 weeks ago

hmm, I have changed my opinion on the captains so much over the last few years!

sisko, picard, janeway, archer, kirk (old AND new)

sorry friends, I just goddamn hate TOS

Amazing! Just got my tix for the Con up here and watched the entire Fifth season of Dr. Who. WHY DO YOU READ MY MIND WATSON?!?

1 reply · active 76 weeks ago

I’ve been to your house. You don’t know what I left there. In the walls. Under the floors.
Britney's avatar

Britney · 70 weeks ago

Janeway, Janeway, Janeway, Kirk, Janeway
that is the only answer