Infinite Martys In Infinite Combinations


I think about Back To The Future a lot. Like, more than a regular lot. A LOT a lot. I frequently watch the movies with my wife, and I frequently pause the movies for extended periods of time to go on rants about the various unchecked, universe ending paradoxes within the series and, let me tell you what, these rants are guaranteed panty melters… except the opposite of that. They’re… panty doublers? Panty reinforcers? Stone cold panty fortifiers? Anyway, about a week ago I posted a bunch of those “a lot of thoughts about Back To The Future” on Twitter, then my friend Wil dared me to make a comic about them (as he is wont to do) and I obliged.

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If that doesn’t suit you, how about buying yourself a nice shirt or print from my store. That’s almost entirely self-serving when you think about it. Getting yourself a present, that is. You deserve it. You did a good thing one time, and now you need a reward lest you forget why you do good deeds at all and descend into your own personal moral chaos spectrum.

I am happy to answer any questions about Back To The Future, the Infinite Martys Paradox, the 1885/1955/1985/2015 Temporal Nexus or Why Doc Brown doesn’t understand time travel or causality at all that you may decide to post in the comments. Rest assured that my answers will be 100% canon, truthful and definitive.


Kids With The Fluxed Up Kicks


Alternate Title: “The Prestige”

The year 2015, otherwise known as THE FUTURE, is rapidly approaching and before it gets here I have two questions: 1)What exactly happens to us as a society in the next 4 years that leads to flying cars, hover boards, dustless paper, advanced de-aging treatments and simultaneously gives us shittier TV picture quality, sub par vector holograms, crappy cell phone/sunglasses headsets and gets us back to using fax machines in nearly every room of the house? I can only assume we discover cold fusion and, on the same day, a techno-organic virus wipes out at least half of all technology created after 1994.

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2) Sure the Nike Air Mags worn by Marty McFly in Back To The Future II SEEM really cool in the context of the film, but are we forgetting that these were NOT Marty’s shoes? They were Marty McFly JUNIOR’s shoes. And Junior was, to use the future parlance, a butthead. Since when does the biggest dweeb have the most awesome shoes? I foresee only two explanations. Either Mags were cool a few years prior and he is the one kid that’s all “Dudes! I finally got me some Mags! Can we all be bros now?” and they’re all “Mags are SO 2013, McFly, you insufferable butthead.” OR the concept of power laces was invented to help kids with poor motor control due to birth defects caused by your father probably having banged his own mother in the past thus causing him to be HIS own father and both your father and grandfather.

I mean, come on! Marty Sr. looks and acts exactly like… Marty [himself, the strange sea-faring drifter from 1955] and nothing like George McFly. And you know Lorraine was harboring some feelings for her childhood fling when she named her child after him. The fact that both Marty Jr. and his sister don’t just resemble but have THE EXACT SAME FACE as Marty Sr. proves that gene pool has a nice layer of paradoxical incest-algae floating on top of it. Who knows? Maybe it all really started when Marty banged some 1850’s prostitute while rescuing Doc from the old west who turned out to be his maternal great grandmother.

[DOCTOR WHO SEASON 6 SPOILERS] Time does crazy things to the in vitro human body. Hell, Amy’s and Rory’s kid turned out to be half Time Lord just because they got busy inside a TARDIS. [/DOCTOR WHO SEASON 6 SPOILERS] Can you imagine what Marty’s constant time stream surfing has done to his poor man-onaise? He probably ejaculates a purple florescent magnetic gel. Speaking of Time Lords, I was going to call this comic “Wibbly Wobbly Marty Warty” but then I realized it sounded like I was making fun of Michael J. Fox. If you laughed at that last sentence (as I did), you are terrible.

COMMENTERS: When I was a kid I said a little prayer each night that EVERYTHING shown in BTTF2‘s 2015 would come to pass. Now I just pine for hoverboards. What future tech from a movie or TV show were you really hoping we would have by now? What are you still holding out hope for?


Afraid Of The Future


If you are waiting on your copy of HE Book 2, PLEASE READ THIS!!!

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The Chinese government has banned movies and TV shows that depict time travel. They did this presumably in order to prevent filmakers from depicting people traveling back to feudal China and realizes it was terrible or some such nonsense. I assume this whole new legislation was brought on by Ninja Turtles 3. This film must be such a slap in the face to Chinese lawmakers. First of all, turtles are NOT ninja heroes. They are food. Their shells are rendered into a disgusting “turtle jelly” and slurped up in cafes all over China. The fact that they are walking and talking and wisecracking and kicking people instead of being consumed must provoke Communist outrage. Secondly, the film shows feudal China as… oh… wait… it was Japan? They were in Japan? Never mind. Either way that movie was terrible and certainly started this whole time travel mess. If only there was a way to go back in time and prevent that movie from ever…

COMMENTERS: Rather than dwell on the limitations of the freedoms of the Chinese people, let’s focus on siller things. For instance, how would various sci-fi time travel movies be affected were they edited down for broadcast on Chinese TV [I do understand they aren’t actually editing time travel out of movies].

For instance: There’s the raunchy comedy Four Grown Men In An Unremarkable Hot Tub For a Few Minutes. And you can’t forget the Bill Murray classic An Asshole Has One Bad Day In A Shitty Little Town. I assume Primer and Donnie Darko would slip through the cracks seeing as how no one can follow the plot of either of those movies anyway.



The Best Shammy-Man In Hill Valley



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I don’t find it at all surprising that Lorraine Baines Mcfly would have buily a mental blockade around most of the events in Back To The Future. Her young life was a series of traumas the likes of which would lead any sane person down the path of drugs and sexual deviance.

When she was a teenager she was harassed daily by a deranged lunatic who was both physically and mentally abusive. Upon hitting a transient with his car, her father invited the total stranger (whom he believed to be a sailor) into his home and even into his daughter’s bed. She immediately attempted to seduce this unidentified stranger, thrusting her (often inebriated) self at him at every chance. The man she eventually married was the same person that only days before their fateful date and the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance, had been shimmying up her tree to watch her undress through binoculars while he masturbated. This is not a mentally stable young woman with healthy relationships and positive role models. Why do you think her brother ended up in jail?

And then, as an adult, her husband (the fetishistic voyeur public masturbator) invites the man that basically tortured her throughout her youth to come work at their home. I’m sure the mere site of him was enough to trigger a psychotic break. Shortly after the events of Back To The Future, Lorraine was certainly committed to a mental institution where she lived out her remaining years strapped to a table singing “The Power Of Love” by Huey Lewis to herself. When we see her visiting Marty and her grandchildren in the sequel, she is obviously on some sort of visitation furlough and higher than a flying DeLorean. “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads. Just pills. PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! THAT’S THE POWER OFFFF LOOOOVVEEE!”


Children Of A Lesser Marty


The 25th Anniversary Blu Ray of Back To The Future is actually going to have the long fabled scenes of Eric Stoltz as Marty. It’s hard to believe they filmed for 5 weeks, then started over at it was still such great movie. There’s probably at least half a Michael J. Fox-free version of BTTF out there. A decidedly less “heavy” version.

C. Thomas Howell was also up for the role of Marty “I swear I’m not Oedipus, but damn my mom is pretty hot and she seems like she’s good to go” McFly. As a kid he was in E.T. and Red Dawn, but nowadays he’s in those straight to DVD “soundalike” movies like The DaVinci Treasure and The Day The Earth Stopped. Stopped, not “stood still” or “took a break” Straight up stopped. That’s way worse.

Another curious bit of Back To The Future recasting: Melora Hardin (Jan from The Office) was the original Jennifer, but was replaced by Claudia Wells who was in turn replaced by Elisabeth Shue in the sequels. Not to mention the whole Crispin Glover/Jeffrey Weissman thing. Anyway, in my research for this comic (READ: random Googling) I discovered that Melora Hardin has been releasing albums under the monicker “Melora” (like Prince, or Cher or Wolverine). I think she is a very funny and talented actress and technically she does sing with some proficiency, but… [buh] just look it up for yourself. It’s all just really terrible. Offensive is a more accurate descriptor. Generic adult contemporary to the utmost degree. After listening to a few songs, reading some lyrics and watching a couple of videos (I was trying to give her e fair chance) I was just embarrassed for us both.

In happier news, I’m reaching out to C. Thomas Howell’s people about a few movie projects I would like to get off the ground that I think he would be perfect for. Parxors WALL-F, Watch! Men!, Slumdog Price Is Right, The Unusual Situation Of Thaddeus Thimble and Precocious: Based on “Precious,” Based on The Novel “Push” by Saphire.

COMMENTERS: Give me your best C.T.H. starring vehicle.

A Special Request
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