A Lincoln Log Through The Heart

BUY HIJINKS ENSUE BOOKS IN THE HIJINKS ENSUE SHOP!

Did you know my books have 1000’s of words (many of them quite funny) that you haven’t read? I don’t just put the comics you’ve already seen on the pages. I write NEW COMMENTARY for each and every comic. There’s also funny character pages, forewords, stories, random nonsense and embarrassing crap I drew in middle school. What I’m trying to say is BUY MY BOOKS! I worked really hard to make them special and I think they’re great. 

I always heard that Abe Lincoln was a bit of a cyclops opthamologist, if you know what I mean. You know, a hunchback pediatrist? A swamp creature manicurist? A Blackula chriopracula? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Cool, can you explain it to me? Because I have NO IDEA.

COMMENTERS: Please make up your own 1850’s euphemisms and slang. And gay Fancy Bastards, PLEASE work “vampire hunter” into your daily vocabulary. We can make this a thing! A terribly stupid thing!

C2E2 in Chicago is this weekend! I’ll be with Blind Ferret at Booth 432. More details HERE
If you are coming to C2E2, you really don’t want to miss our panel:

Panel: Webcomics Roundtable With Blind Ferret and Explosm!
Date: 4/14/2012
Time: 4:00PM – 5:00PM
Location: N426c

You Chicago FB’s saw how well Seattle did in the cookies, coffee, and booze gift  department right? Are you going to let them show you up? I’m not sayin’ but I’m just sayin’. [iced or hot soy latte, Starbucks Doubleshots, rum, vodka, tequila, pretty much any kind of chocolate, no nut allergies]

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29 Comments

  1. I always heard he was a "rail splitter"…wink, wink.

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  2. "Fancy Dressed Opiate" A man who loves to pleasure himself with flowers that he then smokes after letting the man juices dry.

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  3. Also "Rail Splitter" is my Vampire Lestat tribute band.

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  4. Abraham Lincoln, Nut Allergist.

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  5. Abraham Lincoln, Consummate Statesman: performed oral in all 36 states.

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  6. Chupacabra gobbler? Unicorn boy? Bear baiter?

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  7. "All be it" should just be one word, "albeit".

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    • Thanks. Stops me from having to comment. Woops!

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  8. There is still discussion as to whether he was a "stovetop" or a "paddleboat". Although everyone can agree he wore his cameo on the left brunswick pocket.

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    • How about a paddlewheeler?

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  9. He rang the bells on the wrong side of the belfrey, if you know what I mean.

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  10. From the trailer he certainly knows how to handle a chopper. And I heard he was a Log cabin Republican. He took it from behind from John Wilkes Booth – too soon?

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    • Too soon? More like too late.

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  11. He was the type to serve his marmalade on the left. A real tea schooner, if you know what I mean. And there's even some talk he was known to pull the whistle from the RIGHT side of the engine. He favored his red savage with TWO feathers, and knew the fancy French on every side of the boulevard. A consummate STEAMBOATER! AAAAAHAHAAHAAA!

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  12. He plowed his way through the mississippi river, if you know what I mean.

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    • He had the right parts, but a different instruction manual.

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      • He was a woodsman, if you know what I mean.

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        • He populated the Appalachian Mountains, if you know what I mean,

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  13. Is that a stake in your pocket…

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    • No. Good job on addressing the vampire thing, though.

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  14. In the 1860s here in Portland they referred to a whore as a 'seamstress.' Sailors would walk into an establishment and politely enquire if there was anyone available who could 'sew a button' for him.

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    • also heard that the other side of that was they would advertise "Trousers Altered while you wait" because some "Houses of Repute" would actually have a front as a Seamstress/Tailor,….and that real seamstresses would just advertise "Fine Needlework" or "Needlewoman on Premises" to insure no one mistook them for "special seamstresses"

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  15. He knew how to exercise his franchise, if you know what I mean. He was a liberator or men. He could three score an nine with four score and seven.

    And just in case someone hasn't seen the video proof http://youtu.be/-XNFokmDKrE (NSFSomeW).

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  16. Following in the tradition of his historical precedents…

    the John Hancock

    the Delaware Crosser

    the Quincy

    the Errant Burr

    the Tippycanoe

    Old Hickey

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  17. He also had a big chopper…

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  18. I would've let him address my Gettysburg, if you know what I mean..

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  19. The Great Semencipator

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