Did you know my books have 1000’s of words (many of them quite funny) that you haven’t read? I don’t just put the comics you’ve already seen on the pages. I write NEW COMMENTARY for each and every comic. There’s also funny character pages, forewords, stories, random nonsense and embarrassing crap I drew in middle school. What I’m trying to say is BUY MY BOOKS! I worked really hard to make them special and I think they’re great. 

This is a thing I have been concerned about for a while. WHY DOESN’T MR. T AGE?! He is identical to the man (or is it myth?) that I knew of as a boy. Had that god damn son of a bitch kid that lived next door to me when I was 8 NOT broken my Mr. T action figure, I’m sure I could compare it to the man today and see no discrepancy other than his lack of a torso joint that spun 360 degrees! Oh, and REAL clever using Scotch tape to reattach Mr. T’s head, shitty fucking neighbor kid. Like I wasn’t going to notice. I was in honors classes! They taught us to look for shit like that! Context clues, motherfucker! Comprehension! And I was SUPPOSED to get to borrow your scooter in exchange for letting you take my Mr. T for the weekend, but when I went to claim my half of the bargain, your step dad told me it was locked in the shed and you were at your mom’s! FUCK YOU IN THE FACE FOREVER.

But I digress. My working theory is that Mr. T always has been and always will be. He might be some sort of celestial observer like Uatu The Watcher who just keeps tabs on Humanity for some unknown (hopefully benevolent) purpose. Or perhaps every planet has a Mr. T to protect it, like a jewelry-laden Green Lantern. Any one of those chains could be his power source. He probably wears so many to confuse his enemies. Using advanced maths and a comprehensive knowledge of 80’s pop culture, I can deduce that Richard Simmons is the Sinestro to T’s Hal Jordan. Their energies certainly seem equal but opposite.

COMMENTERS: Post your theories about Mr. T’s origins or mythic back story. Even if he’s just a regular human, you have to admit, he has aged remarkably little in the last 30 years. If not space magic, then how has he maintained his appearance? I bet it’s camel spider venom.

Holy shitC2E2 in Chicago is next week. I’ll be with Blind Ferret at Booth 432. You Chicago FB’s saw how well Seattle did in the cookies, coffee, and booze gift  department right? Are you going to let them show you up? Have you seen how shallow the pizza in Seattle is? Are you going to let them win?! [iced or hot soy latte, Starbucks Doubleshots, rum, vodka, tequila, pretty much any kind of chocolate, no nut allergies… I’m just sayin’.]

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  1. Or he's a Time Lord but always regenerates identically

    (think there's an error needs fixing with the alt-text)

  2. Maybe Mr T is actually an immortal. Alongside Jon Bon Jovi, Whoopi Goldberg, and Chuck Norris (the guys 71!) they have all gone through the Quickening and now the Gathering is upon us. We can only hope Chuck Norris can overcome Mr T and win the Prize, otherwise Mr T's lack of pity will surely issue in an age of darkness for all of us mortals.

    • I disagree. I thing the reign of T would usher in a new age of enlightenment. His complete disdain for jibber jabber would surely mean an end to the none-sense, double talking, hot air filled, PC, power-games that make up politics and our leadership of today, And replace it with an era of straight talking ACTION.
      And his powerful lack of pity for fools, would insure their elimination… through an education system that would prevent such foolishness!

      Yes yes, there will likely be a cost of sacrificing a few irredeemable fools along the way, like; {insert name of politician/celebrity/coworker/neighbor that you can't stand here}. But I think it will be a price well worth paying, and none but the most stubbornly unchangeable fools have anything to fear this new age of the T.

      The rule of Norris would on the other hand be an age of cowering in our homes, fearing the day we will be dragged out into the streets to be kicked in the head by the Chuck Cultists.

  3. Isn't it obvious? His graceful aging is due to a superior immune system, as evinced by his near superhuman levels of T-cells.

    • He's not a Klingon…any extra weight he may have put on is because he's absorbing all that jibber-jabber, and not playing enough WoW.

  4. but he has pity for fools "I pity the fool" is his line not "I don't pity the fool" he is overwhelmingly filled with pity for fools!

    • Shit. I used so many words I didnt realize that I was canceling out the meaning. Refresh for fixed verbiage.

  5. He acquired the Bling of Power when he beat Gollum in a riddle contest. It now prolongs his life and delays old age. Through anyone else, it would weild a power too great and terrible to contemplate, but this is T we're talkin' about.

  6. everyone knows that mr t is a highlander, as is brad pitt, johnny depp, halle berry, and ash from pokemon. someday they shall meet in glorious battle to determine the balance of good and evil

  7. Even the Face of Boe eventually started showing signs of age. Oh hell, now I'm picturing how awesome Torchwood would be if Mr. T led the team for a season.

  8. Perhaps there is some sort of connection between Dr J, Mr T, and the Divine Ms. M? Other than the obvious regular A-B-threeways, perhaps Dr J and the Divine Ms M are like Mr. T's support staff. Dr. J would function as Q (like from James bond) Kind of like the Harlem Globetrotters from futurerama. The divine Ms M, is a mystic/clairvoyant, who provides the missions and briefings and advice that helps Mr T grow as a person and build character. Mr. T travels the world, righting wrongs, and preventing apocal-ellipses.

    • The acting gig is a way to make money to support the operation and provide cover. Who could believe that a villain like Clubba Lang could be a benevolent protector. Or in case of the A-Team, who would believe that an actor in a show about a team that helps people would be in a real life team that helps people. The same goes for Turner and Turner, and his conflict resolution show.

  9. I'm gonna try to combine some of the above theories to make my own. During his A-Team days, which were a cover for a real-life black-ops team that travels the world righting wrongs & finding ancient weapons, T found one of the last few active Lazarus Pits. He took a dip in it to heal the wounds he picked up in the line of duty and now some of his bling carries the waters of the pit to prolong his life and slow the aging process.
    Or he has Wolverine's healing factor, which also makes him live longer & age slower. You guys do know Wolverine's officially over 100, right?
    Also, Joel, great job on the Jordan-Sinestro Green-yellow dichotomy, but what do you think of the other Lantern Corpses (red, orange, blue, indigo, Star Saphires, black, white)?

  10. There have been several Mr. T's for Sector 2814, but each one takes on the appearance we know as Mr. T when they don the Power Chains recite The Oath:

    In brightest day
    In dark and rain
    I ain't gettin' on no plane.

    Let those who accept evil's rule
    Beware my chains, for:

  11. There is but one true Mr. T and he has taken the burden of pitying the fools for our sins. May we honor his sacrifice by quitting our jibber jabber, believing in ourselves, drinking our schools, staying in drugs, and not doing milk.

  12. Dang it, I just caught up with the current comic! I want another HE right now, and there just isn't one!

  13. Has no one seen Twilight? He's been 29 for a long time. The few humans and animals he sacrifices for his anti aging immortality are nothing. And that's why he's so hard to defeat. Team T!

    • now see, the reason you got a thumbs down (not from me) is because you're tainting something as awesome as Mr T with something as evil as twilight.

      TO suggest Mr T is a possible vampire, that's one thing (I'd watch the HELL out of that movie), but to suggest that he's a sparkly twilight vampire… well, lets just say Mr T would pity anyone who thought such a thing…

  14. Mr. T exists outside of space and time. What we know as Mr. T is only the shadow of his true self.

    Note that Chuck Norris has never faced this shadow.

    • Why would the Chuck of the clan Norris face of against the T when we know deep down that they are of the some birthright and both have equal disdain for fools. One will pity them after the other kicks them in the head ….. they are "The Frantics" made real.
      Also the Norris that is Chuck has the same issues – they are both shadows in this realm of pain and tears…

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