Brand New Bag

I pitched two ideas for my guest comic over at Cyanide & Happiness. This is the one they rejected.

If you’re under 30, you probably have no idea that for SEVERAL DECADES before you were born it was considered perfectly acceptable to wear a plastic mask of your favorite cartoon character, along with a trash bag (ACTUALLY A LITERAL TRASH BAG) featuring a full body picture of the same character as your Halloween costume. Not only was this considered acceptable Halloween attire for children, but it was an accepted business practice for companies to offer these “costumes” as their “best effort” in exchange for “actual money.”

Do you want A TON of bonus, extra and alternate comics?!  Then my Patreon is THE PLACE for you. Every little bit helps me continue to make a living, and is QUITE appreciated.


Now I walk through the costume aisles of Wal-Mart and Target and kid’s costumes have achieved near Hollywood levels of production value. There are muscle suits, led lights, articulated armor, sound FX… it’s only a matter of time before children go door to door wearing green body suits, and handing out augmented reality goggles that make the candy-giver see them as a 70 foot tall full CG dragon. Dad will stand to the side with a flame thrower and torch the neighbors bushes for increased special FX.

I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Halloween. We had the fundamentalist Christian alternative: HARVEST FESTIVAL. It’s EXACTLY like Halloween except you don’t get to Trick Or Treat and all the costumes are either animals, cowboys or Bible characters. I had a basic costume rotation each year of monkey, cowboy and… let’s say Noah. In retrospect I was just dressed like a modern day Muslim, but I had a burlap sack over my tunic. The 80’s were weird. One year I got a real screen quality ALF costume. It was my favorite thing ever and simultaneously the worst costume I ever had. The shag carpet full body suit made it 800 degrees and itched all to hell and the fur and latex mask was like a tight, rubbery panic prison for my face.

My wife and I enjoy helping our kid have a unique Halloween experience. She’s been Princess LeiaBoo from Monster’s Inc., a Backyardigan, Jessie from Toy Story, A Ghost, a WitchRaven from Teen Titans (complete with a narrative adventure) and Hermione Granger. This year she’s going to be Amethyst from Steven Universe. I’ll post pics of that one after it’s all assembled.

UPDATE: Here’s a Tumblr post with all the Kiddo costumes so far.

The Unsearchable Ones

The HIJINKS ENSUE STORE Is where you can buy stuff that I made! It supports me and my family and keeps this little operation going.

Funny T-Shirts, Geeky shirts, Doctor who parody shirts, Team Edward James Olmos shirt, Groverfield Shirt, Sci-Five Star Trek Parody T-Shirt in The HijiNKS ENSUE Store

There are two lies in the above comic. 1) Josh would never “Bing” anything, and 2) The Apple Store would never deny Josh anything. They simply pull up his purchase history, count the copious amounts of zeroes, and immediately start peeling grapes for him. I, on the other hand, being the guy that buys a new computer every 4+ years, a new pair of phones every other generation and a new ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE EVER, get the standard “this is out of warranty and even though there was a recall it only applies to everyone in the world BUT you” treatment.

When the Macbook Pros came out in 2007, I made my switch to Mac as did my wife. A little over a year later people were noticing that the power supply cables were coming unsheathed and fraying all over the place and, in some cases, catching fire. Apple started replacing them free of charge to avoid a class action suit (though I believe there was eventually a suit and a settlement). Once day my wife’s power supply cable up and caught on fire while it was plugged into her computer. It burst into flame EXACTLY where her leg would have been, had she been using it at the time. I knew about the issue and brought both of our power supplies in for replacement. The Genius on hand told me he could replace the one that had already combusted, but not the one that was in grave danger of combusting since it was still in it’s pre-combusted state. So I went home, set it on fire with a lighter, brought it back to the Apple store and got a replacement.

COMMENTERS: Give me your best computer repair/ tech support/ massive malfunction story. Was the dumbness on your head or theirs? Every try to return something that you clearly ruined through your own stupidity? A buddy of mine once returned a CF-Card sized micro hard drive that his cat had peed on. Luckily the Best Buy employees aren’t in the habit of sniffing every return.

If you used to get HE in your email inbox through Feedburner (a service I stopped using this year because Google stopped supporting it), this service seems to offer the same functionality for free.

Just plugin the HE RSS feed [] and your email address.


Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this “Fighting Time Lords” shirt for you! 

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts,  nerdy shirts

I am going to be at Calgary Expo this coming weekend with Blind Ferret at booths 925/1025! The whole cast of Star Trek: TNG is going to be there as well, but you are probably more excited about seeing me or whatever. Right? RIGHT?! Well, you know who AIN’T gonna be there? Lieutenant Barkley. Fuck that noise, Space Admiral Dickhole. Broccoli or GTFO. MORE INFO HERE.

HijiNKS ENSUE At Calgary Expo 2012

I caught maybe 45 seconds of an episode of Finding Bigfoot a few weeks ago and the “expert” in “bigfoots” on the “show” kept saying things like “squatches REALLY love this time of night for goin’ out and fiddlin’ ’bout in the woods,” or “these ain’t sqautch droppings. I can tell by the taste,” and “one thing a squatch really hates is when you keep saying SQUATCH all the time.” They also hate that they are make believe and thus don’t get a lot of respect. This dude was just throwing out details and factoids about this fictional beast left and right. He had obviously done his homework (i.e. reading Wikipedia or listening to an elderly dementia patient in a rocking chair on a porch of the nursing home where he was raised as a ward of the state after his parents were mauled to death by a squatch). It’s one level of bullshit to go on TV and pretend noises are ghosts and different noises are bigfoots, but it’s a whole different tub of shit to pretend to be a certified ghost expert or squatchologist.

COMMENTERS: Please share your brushes with the paranormal. Did you ever know anyone that was convinced their leaky pipes and aging duct work were sweet spirits from the beyond? My uncle was convinced that a ghost named Gary lived in his house and kept hiding his things. He was a particle physicist, so maybe Gary was just a big clump of Higgs-Boson particles trying to dark matter all up in my uncle’s cedar chest for loose change. Alternately you may offer up for silly names for silly shows. How about Noise Listeners, Spook Havers, or Enthusiastic Yeti Patrol?

I made some blank comic templates that you can print out for your kids. My daughter has already made a couple of comics about our cats magically transforming into different animals.

A Lincoln Log Through The Heart


Did you know my books have 1000’s of words (many of them quite funny) that you haven’t read? I don’t just put the comics you’ve already seen on the pages. I write NEW COMMENTARY for each and every comic. There’s also funny character pages, forewords, stories, random nonsense and embarrassing crap I drew in middle school. What I’m trying to say is BUY MY BOOKS! I worked really hard to make them special and I think they’re great. 

I always heard that Abe Lincoln was a bit of a cyclops opthamologist, if you know what I mean. You know, a hunchback pediatrist? A swamp creature manicurist? A Blackula chriopracula? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Cool, can you explain it to me? Because I have NO IDEA.

COMMENTERS: Please make up your own 1850’s euphemisms and slang. And gay Fancy Bastards, PLEASE work “vampire hunter” into your daily vocabulary. We can make this a thing! A terribly stupid thing!

C2E2 in Chicago is this weekend! I’ll be with Blind Ferret at Booth 432. More details HERE
If you are coming to C2E2, you really don’t want to miss our panel:

Panel: Webcomics Roundtable With Blind Ferret and Explosm!
Date: 4/14/2012
Time: 4:00PM – 5:00PM
Location: N426c

You Chicago FB’s saw how well Seattle did in the cookies, coffee, and booze gift  department right? Are you going to let them show you up? I’m not sayin’ but I’m just sayin’. [iced or hot soy latte, Starbucks Doubleshots, rum, vodka, tequila, pretty much any kind of chocolate, no nut allergies]

Where’s Carl?!

NEW SHIRT!!!  Where’s Carl?! Shirts based on this very comic are live at Sharksplode!
Where's Carl? Walking Dead Calvin and Hobbes Mashup Parody Shirt

Where’s Carl? NOT where you told him to be, that’s for damn sure. That kid is exactly where he is NOT supposed to be (where ever the most zombies are), doing exactly what he is NOT supposed to be doing (which is anything but staying nearby and surviving) with EXACTLY who you told him NOT to be with (basically anyone that aren’t his parents). That Carl is a scamp and a half! 

The Walking Dead season 2 ended last night and my spoiler free review for the entire season goes thusly: There were five boring episodes then one cool thing happened at the end of number six, then five more boring episodes followed by two rather awesome episodes. Looks like AMC’s whole “give us double the episodes for half the money” strategy didn’t really pan out. You could probably edit the entire season down to six quality episodes, but as it stands there was hardly three hours of good story telling or interesting action in the whole season. There was too much time filling, too many arguments over the same issues, NOT ENOUGH ZOMBIES, too much of every character saying the same thing over and over again, episode after episode, NOT ENOUGH ZOMBIES, too much time standing around the god damn farm, and NOT ENOUGH ZOMBIES.

If you want a high quality print of this comic, you can get it HERE. Might look nice as a print triptych with my Calvin & Hobbes/Serenity comic and my Calvin & Hobbes/Game of Thrones comic. Just sayin’.

If there is interest, I will consider a T-shirt as well.

COMMENTERS: How do you feel about this season of The Walking Dead compared to the first? Were you satisfied with the ending and where they seem to be going with season 3? NO MAJOR SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS. IF YOU MUST POST SLIGHT SPOILERS PLEASE MARK YOU COMMENT AS SUCH VERY CLEARLY.