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Scalzi Comic Dare: All My Sweet Pitches

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HijiNKS ENSUE PODCAST Episode 87 “ZombieWhatever.com” is live!

Alternate Title: Pitch Slapped
Alternate Alternate Title: Pitch Slapped 2: Pitch Better Have My Money

In the past, only Wil Wheaton has been deemed worthy to wield the power of THE COMIC DARE. This week, however, another was found who possessed the strength of will and the Strength Of Wil (TM) required to harness The Comic Dare’s awesome might and use it for its most righteous purpose: SAYING DUMB STUFF ON TWITTER THEN FORCING ME TO DRAW IT! That person, the Beta Ray Bill to Wheaton’s mighty Thor is noted sci-fi author, Internet opinions haver, and celebrated balding ukester JOHN SCALZI (hold for applause).

Scalzi occasionally finds himself in the precarious position of being asked by TV executives how to put things on our watching boxes that are not overwhelming terrible, reprehensible and offensive. So far they don’t seem to be taking his advice to heart. He had just one such meeting earlier this week at which he pitched original ideas for shows, and clarified via INTERNET SHOUTING that said shows would not involve “goats, vampires or sleuths with mental issues.” As we all know, these are the three cornerstones of modern televised shenanigans. Well, the last two are. The goats… must be an Ohio thing. Subsequently he issued the challenge to bring Sherlock: Vampire Goat to life and I, obliged by my 1000 year curse… uh, obliged.

TV is at an all-time weirdness juncture. It is currently producing fictional dramas and comedies that will certainly go down in history as “the best things humanity was able to accomplish before The Fire Ocean cleansed the Earth of all Mankind” (Breaking Bad, Sherlock, Game Of Thrones, Community). But it is also falling prey to a dangerous trend in which networks do not simply steal genre ideas from each other (“You got a cop show, a medical show and a medical cop show? We got those too! Suck it!”), but they now steal ENTIRE SHOWS from each other and put them on the air AT THE SAME TIME. Sherlock is a modernized version of A.C.D.’s Holmes and it is essentially perfect. CBS saw that show and thought, “Yeah! Let’s do exactly that right now while they’re still doing it try to stop us you can’t HAHAHAHAH!” And now we will soon have Elementary. House M.D. (which was also based on Holmes… so in addition to the remaking current shows epidemic, we also have the “Every show is about Sherlock Holmes” epidemic) was off the air for many 15 minutes before another 3 or 4 “I’m kind of crazy, but also brilliant, but it’s my craziness that lets me see the world in a particular way and catch things others miss and it also makes relationships hard and it also makes me seem like a jerk because I am” shows got the green light. Perception is the only one that comes to mind immediately, but I am almost certain and totally unwilling to further research that there are more. LOTS more. Is Numb3rs still on TV?

At least every network tried their hand at the “fairytales are totally real” genre this year. Vampires? Forget about it. The CW just started making “Twilight: The Horrible Show on TV instead of the HORRIBLE movies in the theater” before Edward even married that werewolf frankenstein or whatever happens in those things. I know that doesn’t fit the premise I’m trying to establish because I don’t think there are any other vampire romance shows besides The Vampire Diaries… oh wait, Trueblood. There you go. I’m still right.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that televised fiction is currently straddling the finest of lines between its crowning achievement and it’s most uninspired dreck.  There’s lots of middle ground, but most of it is so unremarkable it isn’t worth mentioning. By not being quite as bad and the worst stuff on the air, it becomes wholly forgettable. Save us, Scalzi! Save us from the Hollywood Industrial Machine that you are now apparently a part of! Oh, and call me about SH:VG. I’ve got some ideas for Moriarty.

COMMENTERS: Feel free to pitch your own “Current TV Trend Mashup” show idea.  

UPDATE: Scalzi speaks. 

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A Lincoln Log Through The Heart

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BUY HIJINKS ENSUE BOOKS IN THE HIJINKS ENSUE SHOP!

Did you know my books have 1000’s of words (many of them quite funny) that you haven’t read? I don’t just put the comics you’ve already seen on the pages. I write NEW COMMENTARY for each and every comic. There’s also funny character pages, forewords, stories, random nonsense and embarrassing crap I drew in middle school. What I’m trying to say is BUY MY BOOKS! I worked really hard to make them special and I think they’re great. 

I always heard that Abe Lincoln was a bit of a cyclops opthamologist, if you know what I mean. You know, a hunchback pediatrist? A swamp creature manicurist? A Blackula chriopracula? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Cool, can you explain it to me? Because I have NO IDEA.

COMMENTERS: Please make up your own 1850’s euphemisms and slang. And gay Fancy Bastards, PLEASE work “vampire hunter” into your daily vocabulary. We can make this a thing! A terribly stupid thing!

C2E2 in Chicago is this weekend! I’ll be with Blind Ferret at Booth 432. More details HERE
If you are coming to C2E2, you really don’t want to miss our panel:

Panel: Webcomics Roundtable With Blind Ferret and Explosm!
Date: 4/14/2012
Time: 4:00PM – 5:00PM
Location: N426c

You Chicago FB’s saw how well Seattle did in the cookies, coffee, and booze gift  department right? Are you going to let them show you up? I’m not sayin’ but I’m just sayin’. [iced or hot soy latte, Starbucks Doubleshots, rum, vodka, tequila, pretty much any kind of chocolate, no nut allergies]

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Drac-doula

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Alternate Title: Emergency V-Section

The only thing I know for sure about Twilight: Breaking Dawn is that the director own’s one of my Team Edward shirts, because his partner bought it for him at Comic-Con this year. He was a nice guy (the partner, never met the director) and apparently he bought most of the BSG props when they went up for auction. I’m talking hatch doors, the CIC table, the phones, the computers, everything. So that’s pretty neat.

Team Edward James Olmos shirt, Funny geeky shirt, parody, battlestar galactica, twilight, team edward, team jacob

COMMENTERS: What scene in any movie has really surprised you with how uncomfortable it made you feel? Doesn’t have to be horror or gore. Just anything that was completely out of place, over the top or beyond the boundaries established earlier in the film.

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Dumb The Right One Down

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HEROES CON in CHARLOTTE, NC is THIS WEEKEND!!!

ALSO THURSDAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! I will be 29! Gift unto me pastries and cash!

Heroes Con 2010 in Charlotte, NC
Here’s a handy map that I made so that you can easily locate your favorite webcomics artists while at the convention.

SciFi SyFy Tv-Movie Title Generator Shirt

I’m sure this comic makes little to no sense if you haven’t seen Let The Right One In. Though if you haven’t you probably should. Hell, it’s on Netflix streaming right now. That’s what I did this weekend. Go. Go watch it. It’s quite pretty and certainly isn’t your typical vampire movie.

If you HAVE seen it, I recommend reading the book, or at least the wiki entry about the book. There were some major plot elements cut out of the film so that it could focus on the relationship between Oskar and Eli. Knowing more about the backstory shed light onto a few points of confusion from the movie.

I’d rather the American remake, Let Me In, just go ahead and steamroll straight to the lowest common denominator and make it a dance movie called Let Me All Up Ins. Of course it would be followed by the sequel, Let Me All Up Ins Too: Tokyo Dancepire Throw Down – The Servening. The soundtrack will be all Lady GaGa and Blackeyed Peas songs remixed by the Wayans brothers.

UPDATE: This early review actually makes it sound pretty good. Damnit. I guess I’ll have to find something else to complain about. How’s that oil spill thing going?

UPDATE 2: Here’s the trailer.

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An Audience Lost

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HEROES CON in CHARLOTTE, NC is NEXT WEEKEND!!!

Heroes Con 2010 in Charlotte, NC
Here’s a handy map that I made so that you can easily locate your favorite webcomics artists while at the convention. My 29th birthday will be during the con. I am expecting party hats and pasties pastries.

LOST has been done with for over a week now. I miss the hatch. I miss the time traveling bunnies. I miss how Ben’s face looked like canned apricot preserves after a fresh beating. Awwww sonofabitch, Freckles, I miss the dang polar bear.

SciFi SyFy Tv-Movie Title Generator Shirt

Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!!

Presented in the right way I think “Limbo Beach” could be a smash hit. It’s like Gilligan’s Island meets Fantasty Island meets DHARMA Island meets The Ghost Whisperer [I know I’m being silly, but seriously… can’t you see a network exec just about pissing his pants when he hears that pitch?]. And since ABC passed on picking up “The Boobs n’ Spectre Mystery Hour,” Jennifer Love Hewitt could reprise her role on my new show. She could play the up tight resort operations manager and all sorts of hilarity would ensue because only she and Hurley could speak to the guests [I’m sure Miles would have a small part as the hand man or something]. That goofy ol’ Ben would always be getting into trouble, delivering clean towels to the wrong DHARMA station bungalo, or accidentally murdering Rose and Bernard. I’m telling you it would be a riot of Lucile Ballian proportions.

For you comment challenge, please come up with a different show ABC can produce to recapture their lost LOSTies, OR a plot device (including a LOST cast member guest star) for an episode of “Limbo Beach.”

More LOST links: