Yippie-Kye-Ay Mr. Falcon

Michael Keaton’s Jack Frost isn’t counted among the best Christmas movies of all time since, much like The Santa Clause 3, it suffers from canonical issues. A later novel in the expanded Jack Frost universe (the EJFU to us Frosters) revealed that Michael Keaton’s character, Jack, did not actually die in the first movie, but instead was placed in transdimensional hyper-stasis by the Intergalactic Frost Lord Gorrab The Most Frigid, and He (not Jack) was the one manipulating the snowman in order to win the trust of Jack’s son, Joseph, whose soul contained the Infinity Starseed – a stellar engine with the ability to forge solar systems or, in the wrong hands, destroy them. It was put there by the Grand Millenials when he was born in order to keep the Starseed hidden from… well you know all of this already. I’m just geeking out. Anyway, considering all of that and the fact that the novelization already reveals that the whole story takes place 100,000 years in the past on an “Earth-like planet,” I don’t think it’s fair to call it a “Christmas movie.”

I have received some very generous gifts from my Amazon Wishlist and from donators in the last couple of weeks. I want to make sure to give big giant holiday-style thanks to Fancy Bastards: Elliot Moss, Cole Parker, Anonymous Ghostbusters gifter, Alyssa Vaughan, Trevor Spratt, Dan & Toni Arthur and whoever purchased all of the Pixar Blu-Rays. Being the father of a 4 year old, I am pretty much primarily on the “giving” side of Xmas, so your gifts were certainly appreciated and made my insides feel all squishy and gross.

COMMENTERS: What is your favorite non-traditional Christmas/holiday movie? Either a movie that takes place during the holidays, but doesn’t focus on them, or a movie that you just love watching every year around that time for whatever reason.

UPDATE 12/29/11:

DAVID WILLIS KEEPS DRAWING ME IN HIS COMICS!!! PLEASE BUY HIS CRUISE FUNDRAISER PRINT (and also THIS ONE) SO HE WILL STOP AND WE CAN GO ON A CRUISE TOGETHER WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT GAY BECAUSE OUR WIVES WILL BE THERE OR MAYBE THEY WON’T I MEAN ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN AT SEA.

REMINDR: I have resurrected my TUMBLR and started things off by posting my giant “How to save Terra Nova” rant (mentioned in this comic’s post) and a free mobile desktop wallpaper of “Dino Jesus.” I have plans for this TUMBLR in 2012 that involve changing some of the ways I offer content and who I offer it to. The basic strategy is more content to more people. I do not see this as being a negative.

I Know My First Name Is Santa

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this Three Wheaton Moon shirt. You can buy it! Then you can wear it! Only two steps to total geeky happiness? Sign me up!

Lifetime: The Network Your Aunt Likes (You know that ONE aunt? The one that moved back in with your grandma after her divorce.)

My mom pays for an entire array of cable channels, but she really only uses four of them: Lifetime, Lifetime Movies, Lifetime Real Women and The Hallmark Channel. Around Christmas time (roughly August through February) she parks the TV squarely in the middle of this estrogen programming block and feasts on programming designed to both uplift the spirit and tug at the tear ducts of middle-aged lady types. Also, most of the movies are about your dead relatives returning for Christmas as angels. I saw one over at her place about a dead grandma that just shows up at her family’s house at Christmas, and instead of calling the boys in the grayish-brown suits with the nuclear backpacks they’re all just, “Grandma, it sure is great that Jesus let you come down here and bake cookies for us!” It was intensely creepy. Everything about it that made my mom go, “Awwww,” made me go, “AHAHGHGHGHGHG!!!!” Not 2 weeks later I was back over there and, I shit you not, there was an entirely different movie about a dead relative coming back as a Christmas angel. I expect there are hundreds of them. Like Pokemon.

CONFESSION TIME: I have seen one Lifetime movie that actually made me sad, nearly to the point of tears. I had just finished plowing through 2 or 3 seasons of Dead Like Me and, while flipping channels, saw the star of that show (Ellen Muth) on the screen. Turns out it was a Lifetime movie called The Truth About Jane about a girl (Muth) realizing she’s gay, and how her family treats her like a criminal because of it. They try to “deal with the problem” as if she had been caught with a gun and a bag of PCP. I knew what they were doing! Those bastards were showing me things that I already thought were sad and they were making them even sadder! SHE JUST WANTED TO DATE GIRLS AND BE LOVED! THAT’S ALL! SHE WAS A GOOD GIRL! YOU TREATED HER LIKE A MONSTER! YOU WERE THE MONSTER, MOM! YOU WERE… the… BLOOOO HOOO HOOO HOOOOO!!!!

I have received some very generous gifts from my Amazon Wishlist and from donators in the last couple of weeks. I want to make sure to give big giant holiday-style thanks to Fancy Bastards: Elliot Moss, Cole Parker, Anonymous Ghostbusters gifter, Alyssa Vaughan, Trevor Spratt and Dan & Toni Arthur. Being the father of a 4 year old, I am pretty much primarily on the “giving” side of Xmas, so your gifts were certainly appreciated and made my insides feel all squishy and gross.

COMMENTERS: Sappiest, cheesiest or most unbelievable TV Movie you’ve ever seen? Is there one that actually activated your human emotion chip?

UPDATE 12/28/11:

Also, I have resurrected my TUMBLR and started things off by posting my giant “How to save Terra Nova” rant (mentioned in this comic’s post) and a free mobile desktop wallpaper of “Dino Jesus.” I have plans for this TUMBLR in 2012 that involve changing some of the ways I offer content and who I offer it to. The basic strategy is more content to more people. I do not see this as being a negative.

How It’s Laid

OMG FOR THE LOVE OF KRAMPUS, CAN WE PLEASE MAKE #howitslaid A THING?! PLEASE?! It’s all I want for Christmas.

Earlier this week I was live tweeting an episode of How It’s Made where, from the sounds of it, they were either hand-crafting horse saddles or reanimating Frankenstein’d leather daddies:

“He inserts the bushing in the center hole.” #howitslaid
“The seat area gets one last leather buildup.” #howitslaid
“He glues leather around the base of the horn, an area called the swells.” #howitslaid
“This makes it smooth so it won’t chafe the horse or the rider.”#howitslaid

Man, my nipples are getting pierced just thinking about all of that. [Thanks to @d20monkey for coming up with the hashtag. Go read his comic.]

COMMENTERS: Let’s just go ahead and keep this about unintentional dick jokes, preferably from show like How It’s Made, since they are so often discussing things like shafts and flanges and obvious dong-analogies and what not. Those dirty birds. Any episodes that really stuck out as offenders? I should mention how much I really do LOVE that show. Dick jokes not withstanding (is THAT a dick joke?), what’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned from How It’s Made or shows like it? I thought it was crazy when I found out they froze soapy water inside trombones so they could bend the bend the tubing without kinking it… [snicker snicker].

The Unforgivable

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!!

Everyone involved in THIS should be ashamed of themselves forever.

Are Metallica just trolling their fans now? Did suing 800,000 Napster users not do a good enough job of alienating them? The bitter sting of St. Anger was starting to fade and Death Magnetic was actually pretty good, so… what? They have to try even harder to make sure everyone despises them? Does their pact with Satan expire of their number of fans grows past a certain point? Are they the Speed of speed metal? Are they involved in some kind of Brewster’s Millions situation where they lose their inheritance unless than can shed 30 million fans in 30 days? Are they a 30 year long performance art piece designed to explore the limits of a fan’s commitment to a band, and expose what it is to truly love something, only to have it hate you so hard you implode under the weight of your own sadness? I bet it’s that last one. The simplest explanation is often the right one.

COMMENTERS: Please come up with other projects Metallica brainstormed before opting to collaborate with Lou Reed. Is Lou Reed the linch pin in this whole thing? Do they love him so much they would make terrible music just to please him? What artist (music, acting, etc) would you make that kind of sacrifice for and what would their terrible pet project be? What role would you play in it?

No We Cain’t

“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

Me, Randy Milholland, David Willis, Danielle Corsetto, Jeph Jaques, Rob Denbleyker and MORE will be at the Dragon’s Lair Webcomic Rampage panel/signing event on December 10th and 11th. It is always a good time. Austin Fancy Bastard should NOT miss it.

Saturday 8-11 pm
Sunday 12-5 pm

**Q&A panels by reservation only!**
Sat: 6-8 pm
Sun: 10-12 before signings
8-11 pm after signings

GUYS! Before you get your ballots all in a knot, I am not making fun of Herman Cain’s political views, his party or his policies. I am making fun of the fact that he quoted the Pokemon Movie theme song in a speech, that he might have gotten his tax plan from Sim City and the fact that he was actually a performance artist who punked the entire nation for like 6 months. I’m not entirely convinced that he wasn’t Banksy.

COMMENTERS: Please write a new campaign speech or slogan for Herman Cain using the cartoon theme song of your choice. Bonus points if you can work in Big Bad Beetle Borgs. Alternately, come up with a campaign platform based on a video game. Will you rid the country of illegal Koopa Troppa immigrants? Will we move to magic, floating coin-based economy?