The Unforgivable

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Everyone involved in THIS should be ashamed of themselves forever.

Are Metallica just trolling their fans now? Did suing 800,000 Napster users not do a good enough job of alienating them? The bitter sting of St. Anger¬†was starting to fade and Death Magnetic was actually pretty good, so… what? They have to try even harder to make sure everyone despises them? Does their pact with Satan expire of their number of fans grows past a certain point? Are they the Speed of speed metal? Are they involved in some kind of Brewster’s Millions situation where they lose their inheritance unless than can shed 30 million fans in 30 days? Are they a 30 year long performance art piece designed to explore the limits of a fan’s commitment to a band, and expose what it is to truly love something, only to have it hate you so hard you implode under the weight of your own sadness? I bet it’s that last one. The simplest explanation is often the right one.

COMMENTERS: Please come up with other projects Metallica brainstormed before opting to collaborate with Lou Reed. Is Lou Reed the linch pin in this whole thing? Do they love him so much they would make terrible music just to please him? What artist (music, acting, etc) would you make that kind of sacrifice for and what would their terrible pet project be? What role would you play in it?


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46 Comments

  1. I wanted to disagree with you, mainly because I thought, “Surely, it can’t be THAT bad, he’s hating on it extremely hard.”
    But… But….
    Oh god. This is bad. It’s like Garage Rock mixed with a crazy street preacher guy. I AM THE TABLE!

    The only thing worse than this would have been if they were considering an upbeat album about the violence in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Or, maybe, if they were considering doing the soundtrack to Rick Perry’s next political ad. Or if they were planning a party where the guests straight-up kick puppies. It is THAT bad. Thanks for exposing me to this, er, masterpiece, Joel.

  2. That final explanation of how this came about, you know the one about the social experiment and loving the thing that hurts you most? That's how I feel about HE right now, Joel. WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME ABOUT SUCH A MONSTROSITY?! You must have known that those of us who hadn't already found it would click on the link and be exposed to that heaping pile of Satanic manure! Was it one of those horror movie things where you can only get well yourself by passing on the sickness? IS THAT WHAT IT WAS?!

    *sobs quietly in a corner for the rest of eternity*

    • Why would you do this to me HE? I enjoy Metallica. Some of my favorite songs have come from them. Like No Leaf Clover. I was blissfully unaware of this….. abomination…. until I saw this and clicked that link. I think I shall go sob quietly over yonder with cookies now.

    • I wouldn't call it Satanic, that dude knows how to make metal, this is… I don't really know… maybe Cthulu made them do it in order to spread insanity and chaos? Or maybe Dave Mustaine's ghost as his ultimate revenge?

      P.S. I know he's still alive, but he did die for a couple minutes once before being revived, so maybe his soul got out? You wouldn't think a zombie could still shred the way he does, but hey, it'd be a Dave Mustaine zombie, so you don't really know.

  3. I heard they wanted to do a rock-opera take on Tommy Wiseau's The Room, with Vanilla Ice in the lead role, and Jenna Jameson playing the role of Lisa.

    Uwe Boll is set to direct.

  4. I have nothing but love in my heart for Lou Reed. (His album,"New York" was one of the first CD's I ever bought.) but this…
    This is like if there was a transporter mishap with Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash and the resulting abomination started showing up at poetry slams with a metal band that had C4 strapped to their chests and told by the still sentient glob of humanity, "Play or die, motherfuckers"!
    I hope Lou Reed gets better soon.

  5. I saw them play a track on "Later With Jools Holland…," a music show here in the UK.

    It was… interesting, at best.

  6. I guess they could team up with Bobby McFerrin. I just think he'd be the deeper end of the talent pool. I haven't paid any mind to Metallica since they made that horrid, terrible black album. Blugh.

    • However, don't get me wrong about McFerrin. He does seem to be a good human being that strives to give something back and to teach children about music. Metallica … yeah, cash. All about cash. Did any of you guys catch the eBay auction for an autographed James Hetfield asbestos blanket?

  7. My favorite quip so far, from Chuck Klosterman: "If the Red Hot Chili Peppers acoustically covered the 12 worst Primus songs for Starbucks, it would still be (slightly) better than this."

  8. Lulu was actually a good album for that niche audience. People who like Lou Reed and/or avante-garde music should like that album. At least, I did. It was pretty nice to get stoned to and listen to Lou do his bit over good music for once instead of that acoustic drone he normally uses. Metallica is working on a real album of their own at the moment, the official follow up to Death Magnetic, comes out late 2012 or early-mid 2013. Should be good.

  9. The line from the song, the only line that seems to pull some emotion and sincerity out of the leathery Lou, which is "To worship someone who actively despises you" – well, I think that about sums it up.

    What else did they consider? Two words: a capella.

  10. I'm guessing they thought about doing a concept album that would be a mash-up of Bob Dylan and the Misfits in the hopes of re-winning over the 40-60 year olds. But Hetfield couldn't quite land the Dylan style of vocals and Trujillo got bored and kept skipping practice. "Come on, guys, give me something to play. I'm tired of that one chord."

  11. The worship of someone who actively despises you. I think that sums it up. I need to go listen to some velvet underground to cleanse my pallet, preferably not with niko's raped cat vocals.

  12. Maybe they wanted to do a concept album with Falco, realized he was dead, and this is what they fell back on?
    All ist klar der Kommisar.

  13. I heard they were working with Cindy Lauper and Tiny Tim to re-dub the soundtrack to The Wizard of Oz, a project called Metalloz. It fell apart on Tim's untimely death.

  14. Metallica died when Cliff died. Metallica has been dead for over twenty years.
    This may be some tough medicine to swallow but EVERYTHING they've done since then completely blows and takes away from the absolute fucking musical GODS they were, before they COMPLETELY SOLD OUT!
    Hey, YOU can like the new shit, music is ALL opinion. I just cant stand stand to see what D-Bags they have become.

  15. I will buy anything DePeche Mode puts out. I have more greatest hits and remixes than I need and am still woefully behind the European fans who have 100's of versions of the same song. Yes I said 100's. No matter what they put out, I buy it, crazy per project or not.

  16. I agree with Kyle, the album's not for everyone and does have its bad moments, but it has its good and even brilliant moments as well. Besides it is good to see and hear bands try something new rather than putting out another variation on a theme of [insert fan favourite/best selling album here]. But back to the question at hand, the plan was to put a Metallica spin on some Lou Reed classics which just sounds like 'Garage Days Re-re-revisited – This time we are in the Factory not the Garage' to me and a retrograde step for both Metallica and Lou Reed.

  17. It's odd that a Lou Reed/Metallica collaboration sounds like a terrible local band that wouldn't even be good enough to open for Metallica or Lou Reed. This music makes me feel sorry for high school girls who date guys in bands like this and have to pretend to like their soul-suckingly bad music just to score some drugs – or whatever high school girls are doing these days. Vodka in the eye? God, this music makes me want to pour vodka in my eye.

    • “Death Magnetic”‘certainly is a prime offender. It’s a tragedy because the music is the best they have written since 1988s “and Justice for all”. They haven’t released an album since (Lulu doesn’t count, THEY HAVEN’T RELEASED AN ALBUM SINCE) so it will be interesting to see if they have heeded the backlash from people complaining of the overly compressed distorted mastering on DM. I’m hoping they do. It’s ridiculous to even get into the loudness war because if someone likes Metallica they’re gonna crank it and enjoy it loud no matter what. Better to be done wig high fidelity and dynamics as opposed to grainy undynamic mush.

  18. I heard their original project idea was a Breaking Bad movie, starring early 90s Jim Carrey as Jesse, Rob Schneider as Walter, and Gilbert Godfreid in racially insensitive makeup as Tuco.

  19. Not Metallica, but some other musicians' horrible ideas:
    Cee Lo's Soylent Green
    Lady Gaga's educational videos for tots
    The Who's on First?: Comedy stylings of Pete Townsend feat. Michael Richards
    Mötley Crüe sings Cole Porter
    Ke$ha reminds us that Ke$ha exists.

  20. Their original idea was to do acoustic covers of Justin Bieber[Beiber?] songs with the cast of Jersey Shore singing in harmony. They moved on to the idea of what one might call "an a capella clusterfuck" composed of the band, the Jersey Shore cast, Bieber/Beiber, and will.i.am all covering a collection of Jonas Brothers songs.

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