Man Handler

ME AND WIL MADE A NEW SHIRT HOLY CRAP I LOVE IT!

CRUISE FUNDRAISER: About 50/100 prints are sold and I only have until Dec 15th to meet my goal of selling all 100. If you’ve got $35 bucks to spare and wouldn’t mind a couple of nice pieces of artwork for your home, maybe help me out why not?

HOLIDAY SHIPPING: The cutoffs are coming up fast. Read more HERE.

AUSTIN, TX FANCY BASTARDS: Webcomics Rampage is THIS WEEKEND!

MORE INFO HERE. The guest list is stellar and it’s always a great deal of fun. Plus it’s free. C’mon! How can you argue with free fun surrounded by awkward webcomics creators?!

Sometimes I think Tom Cruise’s reality distortion field (the one that makes him think he can will himself to be tall and that no one knows he’s 5′ 5″, and allowed him to summon the strength and suppress his gag reflex long enough to impregnate a human female with his space seed) extends to his ability to understand humor and irony. When someone pitches Tom Cruise Jack Reacher, the field must prevent any and all alarms from going off inside his head.

Despite my general lack of interest in Jack Reacher, I almost want to see it just to see whether Werner Herzog pulls off his role as the big bad, or just comes off as his regular old creepy, German, hateful madman self. I hope he stopped in the middle of every scene and gave a speech about how nature is trying to destroy us, and that he did it so often that they had no choice to leave three of the speeches in the movie.

COMMENTERS: TPlease make up your own alternate “Jack Reacher” names. I think the guys from MST3K already have a jump on you with regards to this challenge. Do you plan to see Mr. Reacher’s pants-creature feature?

 

Stew

The JoCo Cruise Crazy 3 Fundraiser signed, numbered, limited print is up for sale!  Around 20/100 are already gone. I am also offering 11×17 Prints of some of my most popular comics/images and packs of themed comics for this fundraiser. As Jack said, “WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE BOAT!” or island… or whatever.

Info about and holiday shipping deadlines for various HE-type merchandise IS HERE.

My house is an asshole factory that exclusively produces cats. One of our top of the line models is Replay (pictured above). I watched him do exactly what you see in this comic not but a few months ago. He is a horrific dickhead. Not to be outdone, our other ass…cat, Tivo (he hates commercials and nearly everything else except for my wife), often stick his head in hit litter box while shitting right on the floor. That’s the cat equivalent of walking into a public restroom, saying, “Yup. Smells like shit,” dropping your pants and making dump times right next to the paper towel dispenser. When he was younger he would eat long pieces of string (say from a balloon) and sometime in the next day or two he would exit his litter box dragging poop sausages behind him. When they became detached me called them “poopchucks.”

The point is, cats are terrible assholes.

COMMENTERS: Is your cat a terrible asshole? How so? If you say they aren’t I’ll just know that A) You’re lying or B) You don’t have a cat and/or have never seen a cat.

Drenched In Dench

Check out my guide to HijiNKS Holiday Shopping and Shipping Deadlines (SPOILERS: Order stuff NOW if you want it by the 24th).

“Dench” is to the Skyfalliverse as “Smurf” is to the Smurfiverse. 

I watched Die Another Day for the first time a couple of nights ago. I don’t really consider Pierce Brosnon to be canonical Bond. He seems more like a Hot Shots-style Bond parody minus all the comedy. Speaking of “comedy,” Die Another Day is just CHOCK FULL of dick jokes. Like really terrible dick jokes too. Bond seems to punctuate nearly every thought with a reference to his “tip” or his “weapon” or his “raging erect shaft, I mean as to say the turgid column that is my male member, commonly referred to as THE DONGER.” That last one lacked a certainly Bond-esque subtlety. Anyway, that movie was terrible.

COMMENTERS: Are we all in agreement that P.B. 90’s Bond is silly playtime fake Bond? Is there a worse Bond (who held the mantle for more than one film)?

The ADristocrats

KNOW THESE THINGS TO BE TRUE: 

My wife and I are currently plowing through all 5 seasons of Mad Men. We’ve been running an average of about 3 episodes per night and are about halfway through season 4 (NO SPOILERS!!!!). Almost immediately I knew everything I’d heard about the show was true. The acting, the writing, the believability of the world, ALL were superior to nearly everything else on TV (save for Breaking Bad). There are moments when the racism and sexism are TRULY and BRUTALLY shocking, but those elements are never used in a sensationalist way. Rather they just remind the viewer how far society has come in 50 years and occasionally how far we’ve left to go.

Consuming so much superlative TV in such a short amount of time (the same way I blasted through Breaking bad, 1-2 episodes a night, every night), I’m starting to really coalesce a Unified Theory of Television. What I mean is, I’m beginning to realize that regardless of genre, setting or subject matter, every television show geared towards me (a human person smack in the middle of all the prime demographics) either fails or succeeds based on the exact same successes or shortcomings. I noticed that not even 3 episodes into Mad Men, I was pausing the show to talk to my wife about a character’s motivation, how they really felt vs. what they were saying/doing, what their next actions might be and what repercussions those actions would have on their future and the other characters around them. This and THIS ALONE is the halmark of quality television.

I understand the formula is complex (writing, plus acting, plus directing, divided by budget, times network confidence and promotion, times Pi, etc, etc), and can rarely be duplicated with a resolvable, remainderless and equal solution, but my point is that all of these issues will have for the most part already been addressed before you and I, the viewers, see the end result. So let’s assume that all television shows have an equal opportunity of having a good premise, quality writing, and strong actors (which they do not, but let’s assume it anyway to simplify things). If, by the second or third episode, I am not either questioning or relating to a character’s motivation (which implies that said motivation is presented CLEARLY), then there is little hope that this show will hold my full attention. Let’s hope it has plenty of special effects and maybe dinosaurs (which we all know can’t always save a boring show).

My friend Amy Berg is a talented and successful writer in Hollywood machine and she always says, “What does your character WANT, and what is PREVENTING THEM from getting it?” While watching Mad Men, I began to think more and more about this idea. You see, at first I avoided Mad Men because I thought the whole “Period piece set in the 60’s” was a gimmick and would be overwhelming to the story or hokey in some way. I very quickly realized that, when executed correctly, the story and the characters trump the setting or the gimmick. As long as the show is telling a human story that explores wants, needs, hardships and triumphs then it will be relatable to the audience. Be it set in the 1960’s or a derelict spaceship during a robot war, a good writer can always tell a human story and a good actor can always convey emotions that will suck the audience in to their world.

I began comparing Mad Men to Revolution and that’s when my hypothesis really started to pan out. I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was I didn’t like about Revolution. It had most of the elements that typically draw me in to a televised work of fiction. It had a distopia and a dude from Breaking Bad and Katniss is there too. Lots of things to like. So why was I ready to give up after 3 episodes? I realized the premise, the show iteself WAS the character. Every human in Revolution acts solely as an extension of the premise and serves only to further the overall plot. “Where did the power go? Will it ever come back.” The individual characters are all replaceable and interchangeable. The thing needs to get from point A to point C, but only after it blows up the other thing at point B. ANY CHARACTER can achieve these goals. The plot still gets where it’s going and the audience is only attached to the action or the mystery rather than the characters. I would get just as much enjoyment out of an episode of Revolution if all I did was read the synopsis. In this case I think the failure is writing. I know at least 2 of the actors in Revolution are quite talented, but they are delivering less than captivating performances and I believe they haven’t been given much of a reason to think about what their characters really want. I could go on and on about Revolution‘s failure to impress me, but this is supposed to be about Mad Men.

Another thing I realized while shotgunning season upon season of Mad Men was how important the “show don’t tell” rule can be in television. Take another example of a show I try very hard to like, but can’t seem to stop finding fault with: Falling Skies. Every single character on Falling Skies speaks with the same voice. They all talk the same way, express themselves in the same way, get angry, get happy, get whatever in identical fashion. This starts to become super apparent when you realize that every character on Falling Skies explains their motivations with the same technique: the fond remembrance. Character 1 says, “Why did you let those aliens go? We’re at war.” Character 2 replies with a pause, then, “When I was 8, my dad used to take me to the batting cages to hit balls. There was this other kid who BLAH BLAH BLAH THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS WHATEVER.” They all do it. ALL OF THEM. Kill them all and replace them with a new cast on the next episode and I won’t notice because THE SHOW IS THE MAIN CHARACTER. Don Draper can raise or lower an eyebrow and it SPEAKS VOLUMES. Now again, is it fair to compare exceptionally bad writing to exceptionally good acting? It depends. How much of Draper’s eyebrow movement relies on the page saying “Don raises eyebrow as if to say…” and how much relies on John Hamm’s ability to execute those instructions. Obviously both are required, but I presume that neither works without the other.

So what’s my point? I’m not even sure I have one. I just know that high quality premises are being ruined by lack of attention to character detail, and high quality actors are getting shafted by sub par dialog and a lack of overall vision for what a show is, what story it is trying to tell, WHOSE story it even is and where the whole thing is going. Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Fringe, The first 3.5 seasons of BSG, Firely… these are the shows that prove the impossible is actually all too entirely possible and that everyone else is slacking off. 

Form 1040EZOMGWTF

If you are going to New York Comic Con, find booth 950 (Blind Ferret) and pick up some of my t-shirts while you’re there. After you pick them up, take them over to one of the nice gentlemen behind the table and exchange money for them. Then you can take them home!

I am a chronic procrastinator. It’s one of my character flaws that I have decided not to fight anymore. Life is quite short and I have plenty of other flaws that I stand a better chance of improving upon over the next 50 years or so. It’s good to let a few of the minor ones win so you can focus on the really self-destructive ones. I hear people say they “work best under pressure,” where as I “work ONLY under pressure.” If I have 6 months to complete a goal (at home, in business, internally, whatever), I will find no reason to act upon said goal until roughly 94% of my allotted time has expired. Somewhere around 70% time expiry, I begin feeling like shit and constantly chastising myself for NOT doing the thing I’m nearly out of time to do. Despite my self-berating, my lizard brain knows that I still have more time before things get super critical and refuses to let me act. Once I hit that final 6% of time remaning I go into hyper-stress mode where I continually talk about the thing I have to do, talk about how I’m NOT doing it and talk about how stressed out I am because of all the things I’m not doing. Then, usually the night before the thing is due, I do the thing. Then I feel good for maybe a day. Then I have a new thing to NOT do. And such is my mobius of frustration.

So it should come as no surprise that this is also how I handle my taxes. My CPA knows to file an extension every year, and I end up turning my raw data into him (data that takes me about 12 hours to collect, collate, categorize, etc… data that would take about 1 hour a month if I handled it all throughout the year instead of all at once) about a week before the IRS would send me to jail. I did it this way this year, and last year and every year before since I was technically self-employed. Get a paycheck from a faceless global corporation makes your taxes SO much easier. Then again, you can’t right off business movies, or business Twizzlers or business Twizzlers Pull’n Peel which are better than regular business Twizzlers and require a separate form entirely if you intend to report them to the IRS.

COMMENTERS: Are you a procrastinator, procrasturbator (someone who looks for things on the Ineternet to distract them from the work they’re supposed to be doing), or a get-up-and-goer? Anything particular thing/habbit/app/site/device that kills or aids your productivity?