No We Cain’t

“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

Me, Randy MilhollandDavid Willis, Danielle Corsetto, Jeph Jaques, Rob Denbleyker and MORE will be at the Dragon’s Lair Webcomic Rampage panel/signing event on December 10th and 11th. It is always a good time. Austin Fancy Bastard should NOT miss it.

Saturday 8-11 pm
Sunday 12-5 pm

**Q&A panels by reservation only!**
Sat: 6-8 pm
Sun: 10-12 before signings
8-11 pm after signings

HijiNKS ENSUE at Dragons Lair Webcomic Rampage

GUYS! Before you get your ballots all in a knot, I am not making fun of Herman Cain’s political views, his party or his policies. I am making fun of the fact that he quoted the Pokemon Movie theme song in a speech, that he might have gotten his tax plan from Sim City and the fact that he was actually a performance artist who punked the entire nation for like 6 months. I’m not entirely convinced that he wasn’t Banksy.

COMMENTERS: Please write a new campaign speech or slogan for Herman Cain using the cartoon theme song of your choice. Bonus points if you can work in Big Bad Beetle Borgs. Alternately, come up with a campaign platform based on a video game. Will you rid the country of illegal Koopa Troppa immigrants? Will we move to magic, floating coin-based economy?

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    • Yes, these campaigns are quite insane.
      The Cain train was on the fast lane.
      Much he had gained and he was about to pop the champagne.
      For candidacy of Cain had gained free reign.
      But the bane of Cain came as stain.
      He tried to explain and his position maintain.
      But his sins were quite profane and his excuses inane.
      Soon his numbers began to wane as he earned the public's disdain.
      His popularity went down the drain and soon Gingrich surpassed Cain.
      Little of his domain now remain.
      Rather than struggle in vain for what he cannot attain,
      Modesty did he feign in hopes that vice presidency he may obtain.
      And so the campaign of Herman Cain was finally slain.

    • The whole thing is a god damn circus. I love that British candidates can only campaign for 30 days (I believe) prior to the election.

  1. I'm gonna win this race, because I'm a Big Bad Politican. METALLIX!

    That's the best I can do with off the top of my head memory, but I did love the hell out of that show as a kid

    • No one rejected anything. He never ran for president, thus his plan was never voted on. Also, lets keep this to funny joke times rather than political rhetoric.

      • Actually, that was reference to an old Denny's (I think) commercial that ran in the 90's. It had a catchy slogan about the low price of their breakfast combo deal.

        • Youre thinking of the 5 for 5 tax plan. Families with exactly 5 kids pay 5% income tax. Otherwise individuals pay 80% and people with more than 5 kids are jailed for life. Not to be confused with the 5 Dollar Footlong plan, which is just a great deal on a sandwich.

  2. Keeping politics totally out of this, I'm really sad to see Cain go.

    I really wanted to see him go up against Obama and start a speech with,
    "Stay a while, and listen!"
    Just think, if Herman Cain was half as good for America's economy as Deckard Cain was for your gold stash in Diablo 2 America would be able to buy China! Or at least take a gamble on that really cool looking (and expensive) sword.

  3. Cain was obviously worried about the state of the economy this weekend, warning us it was going into "Tailspin".

    "Oh, ee ay. Talespin. Oh ee oh. Talespin." Cain shouted from the podium.

    "All the trouble we get in with another Talespin."

  4. I'm sad that now I won't get a chance to seem his give a moving speech the likes of:

    "We make our dreams come true, and we'll do the same for you…when your room looks kinda weird, and you wish that you weren't there…well, Just close your eyes and make believe and you can be anywhere"

    Oh Hermie!

  5. Okay, now stop, collaborate and listen. Cain's a man, a man on a mission. He may get knocked down, but he gets up again, and they're never going to keep him down. His crime was being too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt, too sex-ay, yeah. Sure, he was no Ricoooo Suaveeeee, but when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and that round thing in your face, you get sprung!

    Honestly, I thought Cain would be too legit to quit, but his campaign went out like a candle in the wind. It wasn't about race, because it don't matter if you're black or white; everyone can get jiggy wit' it. Now we wonder if we can't find a better man: one who is smooth, an all-star, and smells like teen spirit.

    Macarena mmm-bop.

  6. I'd really thought that his Newer Deal- promising fruit under every box, and a power pellet in every corner- would resonate with America. But I guess he was considered too liberal because of his revolving-door penal system for ghosts.

    • You are correct with "cool but rude." But I'll cut some slack to little boys in the 80s, too hopped up on Cookie Crisp to hear correctly. Because I've been there.

  7. Herman Cain! Bouncing here and there and everywhere.
    I'd mention that's beyond compare. He is the Herman Cain.

    What, like rhyming is so important when the lyrics are mostly nonsense anyway.

  8. Life is like ol' Herman Cain here in… Muck-burg
    Pokemon, 9's and 15 Mins of Fame… It's a Repub-Blur
    You might stir some controversy, or fail to understand history

    Cain-Tales! Woo Ooo Oh!
    Everyday he's out there making Cain-Tales! Woo-Oo-oh!
    Tales of Doing Women, Bad & Good Luck-Tales!

    D-d-d-danger, watch behind you
    there's a lawsuit out to find you
    What to do? Just grab onto some Cain Tales, Oo-oO!

  9. Herman Ca-ain! He's our hero! Gonna cut our deficit down to zero! Gonna work to tear asunder . . . government that likes to loot and plunder!

    With our votes combined, he is . . . President Cain!

    (the irony is that Republicans don't believe in the environment . . . .)

  10. Some times the economy
    Go slippin' through the cracks
    But his new fiscal views
    Are pickin' up the slack

    There's no bussom too big, no rear too small
    When you need a running-mate just call

    Her-Her-Her-Herman Cain
    Republican contender
    Her-Her-Her-Herman Cain
    When there's a tight sweater

    Oh no, it never fails
    He can’t take a clue
    Because of the wheres and whys and whos

    Her-Her-Her-Herman Cain

    • YES! I was trying to think of something along the lines of the "Chip 'n' Dale" theme while reading these comments, but you totally won. Well done.

  11. I know this isn't a cartoon theme song, but I found it awfully fitting 🙂

    In every generation there is a Chosen One. He alone will stand against the Democrats, the demons and the forces of darkness. He is the Cain Train.

    Note how little change was necessary.

  12. I just find it unfortunate that he couldn't convince people that he didn't sleep with that Thundercats HO!

    Ok, so it isn't a 90s cartoon, but I couldn't resist.

  13. I had to read the last panel twice before I got the TMNT thing, and it was glorious!

    Also, if elected I promise to make it law that every homeless person, convict, and illegal alien be made to carry a set amount of money on their person at all times! So that should they be "removed" by a citizen they will add something society! They may also choose to carry extra articles of clothing when currency is not possible.

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