Decaf Just To Recaf Pt. 2

Part 1 is HERE.

I’m about 3 or 4 days into my new caffeine free situation. I am happy to report there have been very few headaches, and also very little joy, happiness or hope. Also there have been a lot of headaches. Since giving up the Devil’s additive, I have noticed my appetite has gone down a bit (from “WAY TOO LARGE” to “medium too large”). I wonder if I just always wanted a snack to go with my soda or if the caffeine was actually affecting my hunger. I do know it was dehydrating me like a mother eff. I suppose it isn’t normal for your eyes to make a crackling sound when you blink. I’ve taken to soaking contact lenses in aloe and putting 3 or 4 of them in each eye.

Mostly I am just annoyed with how difficult it is to find caffeine free alternatives to the drinks I enjoy. That’s a real problem, right? I mean, it’s got to be up there somewhere on the hierarchy of basic needs. First it’s food/water, then shelter, then… what like some sweet bros to hang out with, maybe a lady friend or two, then a ready supply of decaf Pepsi Max followed by self actualization. I think I remember that from sociology class.

Decaf Just To Recaf Pt. 1

This is at least the 10th time I’ve given up caffeine in my 30ish years on this earth. I really did reach the point last week where I was saying, “Why is my body doing all this crazy shit? It’s not like I had a cup of coffee, 3 Pepsi Max, and a grande Starbucks iced Soy Latte before 5pm or anything. No wait, that exactly what I had EVERY DAY AND IT IS KILLING ME.”

Hyberbole aside, I really felt like I was vibrating. The weird thing is I have never given two shits about caffeine. I just enjoy the many of the liquids they often package it in. My softdrink of choice for years has been Pepsi Max due to the zeroes of calories and its not having the assbutt taste of most diet sodas. Though I always forget the “Max” is referring to the “MAXimum chance of stroke due to the methamphetamine level of stimulants in this can.” So, at least for now, I am off the juice. I have stocked up on decaf coffee, tea and less than desirable sodas. There’s an old adage about work for hire. Out of Good, Cheap and Fast you can pick two, but you can never have all three. Sodas are the same way. Out of tasting good, having no calories and being caffeine free you are lucky if you get to pick two. There does not exist an option that covers all three bases.

My eye is stil twitching but I think that’s because I need new glasses. I was really hoping my declining eyesight would plateau at some point instead of getting worse almost exactly every 12 months. I sort of need my eyes to do this job.

COMMENTERS: Any stories about excessive caffeine intake accidental or on purpose? Any milestone event that forced you to give the stuff up? Any suggestions for alternative drinks to help sort out my hyper-agitated organs?

The Macchanal

The HIJINKS ENSUE STORE Is where you can buy stuff that I made! It supports me and my family and keeps this little operation going.

I keep trying to find a way to honestly call this a “mostly true” story, but my integrity won’t let me. It’s a completely true story. When Josh told me his one month old Macbook Air had been damaged, I was mostly curious as to why he still owned a computer that was already a month old. He’s not usually one to deal in antiques. Then I wondered if it had perhaps been cut on its own sharpness. Next I suggested he buff out the damage with toothpaste (which I hear is a thing people do). When he informed me that said damaged with an actual crack in the glass, I wanted to suggest maybe using that stripy toothpaste or some of those whitening trays. Then I figured that not ALL dental health products related to laptop screen repair. Before I could make fun of his hardship further, Apple just gave him a new Macbook Air. I assume the genius in question pulled up his purchase history, saw that it was greater than the GNP of most small island countries, immediately offered a thousand pardons for making him wait so long and poured him a glass of champagne with a hundred dollar bill floating in it.

COMMENTERS: Josh did actually crack his new Macbook Air by dropping a $250 remote control on it. What’s the dumbest way you’ve ever damaged something valuable? Any good stories about getting something replaced for free? Have at it.

The Cranksport ‘Em Up

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this Three Wheaton Moon shirt. You can buy it! Then you can wear it! Only two steps to total geeky happiness? Sign me up!

Those of you that follow me on Twitter saw this comic get written in real time earlier tonight as I watched the trailer for Killer Elite. I like that “Jason Statham Movie” is a genre unto itself now. I imagine some Hollywood producer saying, “We should really make a Jason Statham movie this summer. But who should we get to star in it?”

Commenters: Using the formula illustrated in the panels above, please pitch your own Statham/Owen movie. Points will be awarded for escalating absurdity.

HEY LOOK!: You asked for it, so I added a “Winter Is Coming” desktop to The Vault. I’ve also added “Chibi Wolverine” and “Three Wheaton Moon” desktops as well. Just make a donation of any amount, or sign up for a recurring donation subscription and you’ll get access. I’ve also added mobile versions of these desktops HERE.

The iLluminati

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BUY STUFF!!!

OMG you guys, Apple totally wants to go steady with Tim Cook! Brenda told Gina and Gina told Stephanie H. that after study hall, Apple is going to give Tim Cook a million shares of their company valued at nearly 400 million dollars that will be fully vested over the next 10 years! OMG OMG OMG! Couldn’t you just die!? They are going to be SO. FREAKING. CUTE together. Totes.

I know Tim Cook’s sexuality doesn’t really pertain to his new job as AppleLord [All hail AppleLord may his blessings be upon you], but I do think a gay man being in charge of one of the largest tech companies in the world is a good step towards universal acceptance of homosexuals. I don’t expect him to crusade for gay rights or anything. It’s better for humanity as a whole if he just does a great job as a gay man in a high profile position. As dumb as this may sound, if some guy with lingering homophobia has the realization that, “I love Apple. Tim Cook runs Apple. Tim Cook is gay. So… gays aren’t evil?” the world becomes a slightly less hateful place.

All of that tolerance aside, the secret gay cabal that runs the media is coming for us, and they won’t stop until we are enslaved under their fashionable iron boot and they rule the over-side. Be afraid. Be super crazy fancy afraid.