The JoCo Cruise Crazy 3 Fundraiser signed, numbered, limited print is up for sale!  Around 20/100 are already gone. I am also offering 11×17 Prints of some of my most popular comics/images and packs of themed comics for this fundraiser. As Jack said, “WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE BOAT!” or island… or whatever.

Info about and holiday shipping deadlines for various HE-type merchandise IS HERE.

My house is an asshole factory that exclusively produces cats. One of our top of the line models is Replay (pictured above). I watched him do exactly what you see in this comic not but a few months ago. He is a horrific dickhead. Not to be outdone, our other ass…cat, Tivo (he hates commercials and nearly everything else except for my wife), often stick his head in hit litter box while shitting right on the floor. That’s the cat equivalent of walking into a public restroom, saying, “Yup. Smells like shit,” dropping your pants and making dump times right next to the paper towel dispenser. When he was younger he would eat long pieces of string (say from a balloon) and sometime in the next day or two he would exit his litter box dragging poop sausages behind him. When they became detached me called them “poopchucks.”

The point is, cats are terrible assholes.

COMMENTERS: Is your cat a terrible asshole? How so? If you say they aren’t I’ll just know that A) You’re lying or B) You don’t have a cat and/or have never seen a cat.

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  1. My cat, Captain Janeway, likes feet. She'll walk over to them, and place her mouth on the top of the arch, none-too-gently. Then when you shoo her away she'll attack them again like they're the spawn of Satan themselves.

    Or sleep on my laptop when I'm working. It's a good thing she's adorable.

    • I had an Alsatian once who was fond of eating his own barf, and rags, which had the same results as Tivo's string. Being a dog person won't save you.

  2. I have a Cat I am a cat Person cats can be assholes oh so much just like humans, I have cats that aren’t that bad but I know what you are talking about.

  3. My ass cat refuses to bury his piss. Something which he USED to do. He just whizzes on top of his litter and it creates this aerosol cat piss/cat litter aroma that fills the hallway.

    I exclusively refer to him as “that son-of-a-bitching-cat,” now.


      Also, I'm trying to post this with a cat anus pointed directly at my face. BASTARD.

  4. My cat Grizzly once lied to me. Being in a house that didn't have children, my cats would run when they hear them at the door, knowing that tots would want to play with the furry little things. My aunt and young cousins came over, and the cats scattered. After an hour of them being at my apartment, I realized I couldn't find Grizz (22 lbs of solid black and white feline). I searched. Hard. And could NOT find him, at all.

    After my family left, I turned and saw him casually walking out of the bedroom. I actually said, "Where in the Hell were you?" He stopped, looked up at me, did a half-assed leg stretch, then looked at me again. "I don't believe you." At that point he ignored me and walked away.

    No. Seriously. He tried to LIE to me.

    • My cat did that once. We spent an hour looking for her, and found her curled up in the corner of a bedroom that had already been checked three times.

  5. I had a black Siamese mix cat I taught to sit on command, based on his love of dog food. He slept on our dogs' beds and announced himself when he entered a room. He was a year old, full-grown. I use the past tense because he ran off and hasn't been back for more than two weeks now. It's pretty cold at night.

    Yeah. What an asshole.

  6. My cat Mitochondria will act adorable, until it's late then he will scale your body with his claws. Especially when you are walking to the bathroom late at night in your underwear.

  7. My 10 year old cat is currently recovering from his THIRD surgery to have something removed from his intestines. He likes to chew on and eat things that he then can't pass. The first time it was the plastic end of a doorstop. The second time it was a small cat toy. This time it was just a giant chunk of HIS OWN HAIR! Apparently the scarring from the previous times made it so he couldn't pass or upchuck a giant hairball. Great. He is lucky that I am such a sucker and can afford these surgeries.

    Also, he will stand in the litter box with all four paws in the litter but his ass hanging over the edge so that he poops outside of the litter box.

    We have two other cats and while they can be annoying in their own way, the one that swallows things that aren't food takes the cake.

    • My cat once ate an intestine-blocking piece of foam rubber. Because of its low density, it didn't show up on the x-rays and the vet couldn't figure out what was wrong with her until they did exploratory surgery. Dumb cat.

  8. My wife's cat Bartleby is the spawn of satan. He like to act all cute and cuddly and the second you're not looking attack anything in sight, your hand, other cats, my chihuahua's. Now my chihuahua bark at him on sight and he parades through the living room in front of them not giving one fuck, just to get them to bark at him.

    • See, your problem as far as I can tell is pretty obvious.

      You have chihuahua's.

      Fix this problem and the cat will return to being it's good old loveable self.

  9. I used to have a cat that did that shitting-with-only-her-front-half-in-the-litterbox thing. She also refused to go through doors on her own (not because she was attached to one room, either; whichever room you put her in, she'd stay there until you put her in another one) and if you put anything unfamiliar in a room with her (including a person – any person, because even if she'd met somebody before she'd forget them by the next time they came over) she'd walk around it in circles, over and over. Crazy cat.

    • Tivo jumps at our bedroom door roughly every day at 5am and wakes my wife up for… NOTHING. He doesnt want anything. He basically wants to lay eyes on her, then he's fine. Idiot.

  10. Precisely the reason I have never owned a cat and will never own a cat (plus the little bastards are not uniformly evil geniuses – I've known some dumb cats).

  11. Not as gross, but I'm very much reminded of the bit from the old Nick cartoon, 'Rocko's Modern Life' where his dog, Spunky, drools into his water dish, drinks it up, and repeats a few times.

  12. We have the smallest cat I've ever seen. 2 years old and I've seen bigger hamsters. Mutant of the litter. Seriously tiny. My son calls him Optimus. And a pathetically annoying high pitch squeak of a mew to go with it. And takes FUCKING FOREVER to cover his business in the tray! Scratch, scratch scratch, skrtskrtskrt….scratch skrtskrt scratch…. Is he digging for gold in there or something! "Bloody cat" as he's known to the grown ups.

  13. We had a cat who did the long-distance dingleberry thing, too. During Christmas and Easter, it would become festive, because string would be replaced by tinsel and Easter grass, respectively.

  14. My cat is more of a cog – he's a cat that thinks he's a dog. He's largely well behaved except about an hour before meal time at which point he becomes a whiney bastard.

  15. Ari will drink out of any uncovered stationary water container (drinking glass or toilet), but won't drink water out of a pet bowl without pushing/spilling the water across the floor. I had to buy a pet drinking fountain with filters that have to be replaced all the time. He also likes to push objects off of counters and tables. He will watch it fall to the floor like he is conducting gravity experiments.

  16. Before we were married my (now) wife’s cat tried to kill me.

    I was on my computer and it got into the cupboard next to me, got a solid wooden sliding door off its hinges and pushed it over so that it would land on my head… LUCKILY it landed on my computer monitor first so that the impact was lessoned.

    Since we’ve been married her cat has seemed to have suspended its murderous acts, but it plots. right now my wife is in bead and this thing is sitting on the floor giving me death stares all the while plotting my demise in a way that won’t implicate her, so she may keep my wife all to myself… I think it may punish me for writing this.

    Needless to say my wife still doesn’t believe her cat is a homicidal maniac.

  17. My cat would chew on my fingers while she's licking them. Also, she would scratch the couch from inside after climbing in through a hole in the bottom

  18. Our cat, Ali, peed on our bed once. Since that wasn't a big enough ass move, she started peeing on the bed of our Taiwanese exchange student. She did it 5 times before we got tired of cleaning it and got a loft bed.

    • We had a cat that did that on my mom's bed when I was a kid. Since he only did it while my mom was dating a guy who later turned out to be an incredible jerk, we figure he was just trying to warn her, though.

  19. I was moving into a a friend's house, with two cats. We had a three roommate whom I was not getting along with at the time. I set the cats down at the doorway and one of them slowly wondered around , geting the feel of the place. The other made a bee line, for the room mate I was not getting along with, bed's and threw up all over it. I was so proud and pissed off.

  20. My cat Tabby hates my mother. My mother who once had six cats. My mother who has hand feed sick cats, and given up things she wanted/needed to care for a sick cat that wandered to her door. This woman who loves all cats (all animals really, but cats first) and happily cleaned a litter book after coming home from surgery is hated by my cat. For no reason. Tabby will not go near her and hisses and growls when my mom gets near her. This of course makes my mom want to curry favor all the more. My mothers constant attempts to kiss the cat's ass only make her madder. The cat is evil.

  21. Late to the party, but I once had a cat who faked his own death to prank my mom. He was undoubtedly evil, I named him Jack the Ripper because he kept leaving gutted rabbits on the porch, but I loved him to pieces. Anyway, the story. He had fallen asleep in an odd position and had been still for some time. As Mom walked past, she talked to him, (as one does) but he didn't wake up. She nudged him with her foot. Nothing. She put down what she was carrying and touched him. Cold. She called my dad to come home and help her bury him before I got home from school. Upon hanging up the phone, Jack stood, stretched, and walked to the door expectantly, waiting to be let out. Mom had to call Dad and explain that 'that furry bastard' was still alive.

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