Man Handler

ME AND WIL MADE A NEW SHIRT HOLY CRAP I LOVE IT!

CRUISE FUNDRAISER: About 50/100 prints are sold and I only have until Dec 15th to meet my goal of selling all 100. If you’ve got $35 bucks to spare and wouldn’t mind a couple of nice pieces of artwork for your home, maybe help me out why not?

HOLIDAY SHIPPING: The cutoffs are coming up fast. Read more HERE.

AUSTIN, TX FANCY BASTARDS: Webcomics Rampage is THIS WEEKEND!

MORE INFO HERE. The guest list is stellar and it’s always a great deal of fun. Plus it’s free. C’mon! How can you argue with free fun surrounded by awkward webcomics creators?!

Sometimes I think Tom Cruise’s reality distortion field (the one that makes him think he can will himself to be tall and that no one knows he’s 5′ 5″, and allowed him to summon the strength and suppress his gag reflex long enough to impregnate a human female with his space seed) extends to his ability to understand humor and irony. When someone pitches Tom Cruise Jack Reacher, the field must prevent any and all alarms from going off inside his head.

Despite my general lack of interest in Jack Reacher, I almost want to see it just to see whether Werner Herzog pulls off his role as the big bad, or just comes off as his regular old creepy, German, hateful madman self. I hope he stopped in the middle of every scene and gave a speech about how nature is trying to destroy us, and that he did it so often that they had no choice to leave three of the speeches in the movie.

COMMENTERS: TPlease make up your own alternate “Jack Reacher” names. I think the guys from MST3K already have a jump on you with regards to this challenge. Do you plan to see Mr. Reacher’s pants-creature feature?

 

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26 Comments

  1. Why is Jack Reacharound the first thing that pops into my head?

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  2. I've got nuthin' other than "Dick Badjoke" I doubt I'll see it, the last good movie which had Tom Gone Crazy in it was "Tropic Thunder".

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    • You bastard. Now I'm going to have the image of Tom-Cruise-in-a-fat-suit dancing and making a fist-dick in my head all day. Kill me.

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  3. BTW…I always thought Peter Parker had the same ring to it.

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  4. …with his trusty sidekick Rusty, who plays a trombone.

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  5. Go over the top, Dench the damn thing.

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  6. No joke, the original title was “One Shot”.

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  7. Actually it’s a long line of thriller novels by Lee Child. Character’s been around for roughly ten years. The novels are actually fantastic. Cruise I’m iffy on for the character but the last trailer gives me some hope.

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    • I just can't see how 5'5" Tom Cruise plays 6'4" Jack Reacher.

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      • They reverse the movie magic they use to make Hobbits.

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    • And I gather Reacher was not pitched TO Tom Cruise, but instead he optioned it for himself. Selfish twit!

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  8. You know, I’ve read and enjoyed most of Lee Child’s Reacher novels (but didn’t know about the impending threat of a Tom Cruise movie) and not once in all those years did I think of the character’s name as an innuendo. So thanks for that. Really.

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  9. In the novels (which are really quite good) Reacher is a 6' 5" tall ex military police drifter / hard ass.

    Tom Cruise buys the film rights then casts himself as the lead role, i can only see this going in one direction and it makes me a sad panda…

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    • Yup. I agree. Although, the I do feel the last few novels have been reaching…. LOL! See what I did there? But seriously, I feel the Lee Child's quality has diminished in the last few Reacher novels.

      And Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher? No way.

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  10. I have to say I think Tom Cruise is a great actor, personal issues aside. And I think he probably does have a well-developed sense of humor – "Tropic Thunder" was mentioned here, and from the commentary, he had a blast with that role. And anyone remember "Interview with a Vampire"? NO ONE thought he could pull off that role, and he was fantastic!

    I haven't read the novels, and I understand the complaints about the height disparity (nobody wants to see a character they love screwed up on screen), but if that is the only problem, I wouldn't sweat it. I doubt Lee Child was thinking the key to the character was his HEIGHT when he wrote the novels.

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    • No, but one of the keys to the character is his imposing presence. Hard to be "imposing" without lots of height and some bulk. He just walks through a town and people instantly think he's a threat. So to me this casting is a big mistake. Not sure I'll go see… But husband is willing to suspend his disbelief, so if he goes, I'll go.

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      • Okay, had this conversation in RL today, too – and now two people have, for the first time, used a physical description other than "really tall" for the Reacher character with me. Now that I know physically intimidating is the description, I understand why people are upset about this. Tom Cruise is NOT physically intimidating at a glance! Yay, I learned something! :)

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    • Every single novel mentions Reacher's height. More then once. It's a thing; the most salient of the character's physical characteristics. It may not be THE key to Reacher's character, but it is a key.

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  11. Penis Enjoyer

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  12. Pole Gripper, Knob Toggler, Dick Fapper, Tiny Johnson, John Tugger

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