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Four Loko caffeinated malt liquor is one of those cultural phenomenon’s that comes quickly onto the scene, takes the world of underage drinking by storm and rather than slowly fading away, it burns out in a blaze of glory.

[WARNING: Due to the high alcohol content Four Loko will burn out in an actual blaze of glory. Do not drink Four Loko near an open flame, or in a house with central heating. Four Loko is intended for novelty use only and is not considered “a consumable” under the regulations of the Food and Drug Administration. Due to its instability, unique chemical composition and potential off-world origin it is advised that you do not speak directly to Four Loko in anything louder than a whisper. Do not sing before, during or after drinking Four Loko as that the vibrations of your vocal chords coupled with Four Loko’s resonance frequency may trigger erratic behavior in felines, children and the elderly.]

Though it was recently all but banned by the FDA due to “the beverages’ combination of caffeine and alcohol [leading] to a ‘wide-awake drunk.’“,  Four Loko, and drinks like it have found new life as “ethanol and other products.” Basically the shit was so toxic that they poured it into a diesel engine and the truck not only started but it gained sentience and now lives in a hollowed out mountain in New Mexico.

Though some would rather the drink be left alone, the FDA says “the caffeine can mask a person’s perception of intoxication, leading them to drink more than they typically would before passing out.” There’s a sublime beauty in this quote. Basically, they are saying that in order to save you from yourself, evolution has worked out a biological off-switch for those that consume more than their body weight in alcohol in an evening. If you are stupid enough to drink beyond your body’s tolerance level, it will simply remove you from the equation and go into forced hibernation. Four Loko looks at your biological imperative to survive and shouts a hearty and defiant, “WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND’A PUSSY?! WAKE UP AND DRINK MORE OF THIS POISONOUS SHIT!!!”

I imagine Four Loko’s secret forumla reads like the menu at a 24 hour Coffee Shop/Gas Station/Apothecary on The Moon: Caffeine, Pseudoephedrine, grain alcohol, scorpion venom, formaldehyde, and Indian Tiger Testosterone. Hey, if you aren’t allowed to pour what I assume is essentially the stuff the Army uses to clean tanks into your gullet, at least your Dodge 4X4 won’t go thirsty.

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44 Comments

  3. 4loko was basically for kids who were too dumb to simply combine Red Bull and Vodka. I love how people are so reactionary; quickly to ban everything. You can still buy 4loko, just without all the caffeine/taurine. You know, even without all the energy crap, it still tastes like drinking a Duracell battery.

    • Duracell with a hint of psuedo fruit flavoring! and its cheaper then redbull and vodka. i know here in florida you can still buy fourloko with all the energy stuff still in it.

  4. I thought the comic was funny, but your commentary nearly had me in tears! You could have turned that into another week's worth of HE strips. Hilarious! or would that be HElarious? Of course I could just need more sleep.

  8. Didn't the FDA LEARN about adding caffeine to shit that they shouldn't from the "Coke Black" fiasco? There was a reason those came in such little death bombs (4 oz I think). It even said that on the side of the bottle that they did not recommend drinking more than two in a day.

    • Ah, that was just for the pussies all worked up about sudden arrhythmia and unexplained strokes in otherwise normally healthy young adults.

      I say whatever doesn't kill you obviously was watered down, so double fist those caffeine loaded booze-bombs kids.

    • Sure, and like drinking my body weight in Mt. Dew (only once) didn't harm me at all, no sir…now excuse me while I shift back out of this dimension again…

  9. Perhaps it's because I actually felt like I got kicked in the stomach after drinking one of those AFTER the FDA put out its warning but I found this to be one of the funniest comics in a while.

  10. You don't ever want to try it, it tastes like fermented walrus piss.
    See, I went to a military college, so obviously certain things are banned in the barracks. That's why FOURloco got so popular with my friends cause you could sneak a few 24s in and get hammered and not have to worry about hiding a handle of vodka or a 24 pack of beer.
    That being said, you don't ever want to try it. It's worse than gazing into that amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the center of all infinity—the boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time and space amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes.

  11. I used to stock beer at a truck stop deli when I was 14 (cue banjos featuring "Paint Huffin' Pete" on washtub bass). For a brief period we sold this stuff called Hemp-'n-Ale. Basically it was beer, but with hemp used in place of barley. Teens were convinced it'd get them high and drunk at the same time. All they succeeded in was violently puking behind a dumpster.

  16. Why the Four Loko hate? Yes, it tastes awful. Yes, you can get majorly f'd up drinking it. But at no point did anyone try and hide that fact. I think the company that makes it should sell the caffeine ingredients in one can, and the booze in another. If we live in a nation where jello-shots are celebrated (which also gets you to imbibe more than you ever would normally) why not four-loko?

  17. I never understood why Four Loko was banned. I mean, now the only people who die from the concoction are the people who have the required mental capacity to pour vodka and a Red Bull into the same cup, like bars have been doing for ages. At least the pre-made drinks had a *chance* to weed out the *complete* morons…

      • Irish coffee is just the "grandma's special coffee" drink of hiding your alcohol…Grandma Unknown FB had to actually make the coffee and buy her liquor down by the store at the race track, and pretend she wasn't drinking.
        The Darwin Awards were being handed out in 4Loko-loads when someone made that stuff.

  19. My friends was drinking a Four Loko and couldn't bring himself to finish it so he just poured it out onto his lawn. Later he noticed that all the grass where he had poured it had died and it has yet to grow back.

    • Wow. Just think before Four Loko if you wanted to send a message you'd burn something down and salt the earth where it stood. But now you can just dump a few cases of Four Loko on the ground and be done that much quicker. Ain't progress grand?

  21. And now, commercials: "From a micro-brewery in Cleveland, Ohio, comes Buzz Beer, combining the delicious tastes of beer and coffee. Yes, Buzz Beer: Stay up and get drunk again!"

    "My ghost was all dingy and grey, but then I got 'Ecto Shine!'

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