Not To Be Confused With Tres Leches



The deadline for ordering the Ultimate Fancy Edition AND getting your name in the book on the Fancy Wall of Fancy Fame is January 15th!!!

Less than half of the 150 UFE’s remain! Show your support for HE and preorder the shit out of Book 2!

Four Loko caffeinated malt liquor is one of those cultural phenomenon’s that comes quickly onto the scene, takes the world of underage drinking by storm and rather than slowly fading away, it burns out in a blaze of glory.

[WARNING: Due to the high alcohol content Four Loko will burn out in an actual blaze of glory. Do not drink Four Loko near an open flame, or in a house with central heating. Four Loko is intended for novelty use only and is not considered “a consumable” under the regulations of the Food and Drug Administration. Due to its instability, unique chemical composition and potential off-world origin it is advised that you do not speak directly to Four Loko in anything louder than a whisper. Do not sing before, during or after drinking Four Loko as that the vibrations of your vocal chords coupled with Four Loko’s resonance frequency may trigger erratic behavior in felines, children and the elderly.]

Though it was recently all but banned by the FDA due to “the beverages’ combination of caffeine and alcohol [leading] to a ‘wide-awake drunk.’“,  Four Loko, and drinks like it have found new life as “ethanol and other products.” Basically the shit was so toxic that they poured it into a diesel engine and the truck not only started but it gained sentience and now lives in a hollowed out mountain in New Mexico.

Though some would rather the drink be left alone, the FDA says “the caffeine can mask a person’s perception of intoxication, leading them to drink more than they typically would before passing out.” There’s a sublime beauty in this quote. Basically, they are saying that in order to save you from yourself, evolution has worked out a biological off-switch for those that consume more than their body weight in alcohol in an evening. If you are stupid enough to drink beyond your body’s tolerance level, it will simply remove you from the equation and go into forced hibernation. Four Loko looks at your biological imperative to survive and shouts a hearty and defiant, “WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND’A PUSSY?! WAKE UP AND DRINK MORE OF THIS POISONOUS SHIT!!!”

I imagine Four Loko’s secret forumla reads like the menu at a 24 hour Coffee Shop/Gas Station/Apothecary on The Moon: Caffeine, Pseudoephedrine, grain alcohol, scorpion venom, formaldehyde, and Indian Tiger Testosterone. Hey, if you aren’t allowed to pour what I assume is essentially the stuff the Army uses to clean tanks into your gullet, at least your Dodge 4X4 won’t go thirsty.