The Best Shammy-Man In Hill Valley


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I don’t find it at all surprising that Lorraine Baines Mcfly would have buily a mental blockade around most of the events in Back To The Future. Her young life was a series of traumas the likes of which would lead any sane person down the path of drugs and sexual deviance.

When she was a teenager she was harassed daily by a deranged lunatic who was both physically and mentally abusive. Upon hitting a transient with his car, her father invited the total stranger (whom he believed to be a sailor) into his home and even into his daughter’s bed. She immediately attempted to seduce this unidentified stranger, thrusting her (often inebriated) self at him at every chance. The man she eventually married was the same person that only days before their fateful date and the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance, had been shimmying up her tree to watch her undress through binoculars while he masturbated. This is not a mentally stable young woman with healthy relationships and positive role models. Why do you think her brother ended up in jail?

And then, as an adult, her husband (the fetishistic voyeur public masturbator) invites the man that basically tortured her throughout her youth to come work at their home. I’m sure the mere site of him was enough to trigger a psychotic break. Shortly after the events of Back To The Future, Lorraine was certainly committed to a mental institution where she lived out her remaining years strapped to a table singing “The Power Of Love” by Huey Lewis to herself. When we see her visiting Marty and her grandchildren in the sequel, she is obviously on some sort of visitation furlough and higher than a flying DeLorean. “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads. Just pills. PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! THAT’S THE POWER OFFFF LOOOOVVEEE!”

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  1. So….the new euphemism for rape is "Shammy"? Good to know the next time I volunteer at the woman's shelter.

    • I never realized until I read it somewhere that he went into auto detailing because of his deep seeded hatred of manure covered cars.

      • I think he was broke after getting his car detailed the first time it was covered in manure ($300!), so the second time it became a DIY project. Also, it explains the hunch in his back, partially all the weight of the manure on his shoulders, but also the time spent bent over all those cars.

  2. Great Scott this was funny! I like alternate 1985 Biff the most. Thomas F. Wilson should have won an award for the Most Grizzled Mother-Fucker Throughout Time.

    "Say hi to your mom for me."

  3. I had not seen these movies in years, and AMC was playing them back to back over new years, and i was struck by all the little things that really stuck out as crazy. Like letting your teen age boy hang out with a dreanged old recluse who claims to be a "scientist". I'm suprised his cube van did not have free candy painted on the side. "What? the Doc wants you to bring our video camera to tape his experiments? Sure have fun, and try not to forget your pants this time."

    • I always thought it hilarious that they never quite explain exactly how a reclusive mad scientist managed to become best friends with a high school kid who's only interests seem to be playing the guitar and banging his girlfriend…

      • @ MyGeekLife

        Because the mad scientist had a kick-ass guitar amp and was never home, allowing the young man and his girlfriend a place to have sweet awkward teenage sex.

      • Well obviously Doc went back in time and sexually molested Marty as a young child and now he has Stockholm syndrome.

      • I think it's a testament to the writers that they never felt an impulse to explain every thing about the backstory and pull a "prequel trilogy", ala Lucas. Especially since, with the time machine, they have a perfect device to accomplish that. They preferred to keep some mystery.

        But if your curious, Bob Gale has compared Doc to a photographer neighbor from his childhood, and the fascination the neighborhood kids had with the dark room. Also, in earlier drafts, Doc was set up as a video bootlegger, and Marty a kid he employed to help him pirate

  4. I think it's less an example of Lorraine's mental disconnect and more of George's deep-seated superiority complex. I mean, that is some serious torture the man is inflicting upon Biff. Not only does he constantly flaunt his wealth and happiness in front of the man, but he dangles the object of his affection deliberately out of his reach. For all of George's serene appearence, at his core he is fueled by pure, unrefined, unmitigated hatred.

  5. Not to mention how messed up it must be to have your own son slowly grow into the doppleganger of the young transient sailor named Calvin Klein who you tried to bed. That can't be good for your PTSD.

    • Lorraine: "George nothing happened, he's your son I swear."


      George: "Liar! I know you fooled around with Calvin Klein, the boy looks JUST LIKE HIM!"

      And yet again temporal travel screws up yet another family. Don't time travel folks, leave history alone.

      This has been a message from your local council to prevent paradoxes.

      • The only thing that saves her is that Marty was born years and years after Calvin left. Granted, Calvin could have come into town one day and found Loraine, but it's not like she got pregnant the night of the dance.

      • Oh, yeah, the LCPP.
        I think the new federal budget cut a lot of their funding, unfortunately. People just don't understand the importance of paradox prevention.

  6. I have a theory on why Biff now washes cars and why Loraine doesn't recognize him.

    Sometime between 1955 and 1985 Biff was hit by a car. Loraine, with her auto-accident fetish, sleeps with him. Biff begins leaping into traffic on a regular basis. By the end of Back to the Future he's had so much blunt force trauma to his brain and body (from the cars and possibly Loraine) that washing a car and bag-boy at Kroger are his only job options. You can see him hunching over alot in those scenes and it's even worse in 2015. He's paid a terrible price to satisfy her twisted desires.

    Meanwhile Loraine is afraid of being discovered and pretends not to recognize her lover Biff.

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