comic-2012-03-20-hanging-brain.jpg

Hanging Brain

comic-2012-03-20-hanging-brain.jpg

NEW SHIRT!!!  Where’s Carl?! Shirts based on this comic are live at Sharksplode!
Where's Carl? Walking Dead Calvin and Hobbes Mashup Parody Shirt

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was my thing. Just like any red-blooded American boy I loved me some G.I. JOE and just like any advanced sentient machine boy from a war torn planet in a distance galaxy I loved me some Transformers, but Ninja Turtles was my thing. I ate, slept and breathed Ninja Turtes. Two of those I did quite literally. I horribly disgusting Ninja Turtles cereal, which was basically Chex with rejected Lucky Charms marshmallows, and a Ninja Turtles sleeping bag. If they had sold green canned air with tops in a choice of four primary colors, I’m sure I would have inhaled nothing but. [Side note regarding the Turtles Cereal: They got away with it just being Chex by referring to those pieces as “Ninja Nets.” You know… all those nets they were always throwing around. I think Donatello was the one with the net. Or maybe that was Zeppo.]

From ages 7-10 I spent a good 2/3 of my day as a Ninja Turtle. I had 3 close friends and we each adopted a Turtle persona for recess, which we kept for several years. There wasn’t any fighting over who would claim which turtle. It was just clear. I was bossy and an insufferable know-it-all, so I was Leonardo. Cody was the most violent and we all agreed his wild flailing of the limbs most resembled actual karate, so he was Rahpael. Rob was the smartest and the most sensitive, so he was Donatello. And… fuck me in the sewer lair, I don’t remember who was Michaelangelo. That’s going to bother me. Anyway, we played TMNT at recess every day. We kept up our story lines and picked them up where they left off each day. We wore various bits of costumes at home, and tucked plastic weapons into our belt loops. I even had a blue Leo mask with a green snout on it that smelled like the inside of a tire. We watched the episodes hundreds of times. I had 6 VHS tapes with 2 or 3 episodes each that came from Burger King and played them to the point of ruin. Each and every birthday and Xmas from those years was nothing but Turtles wall to wall. One kid would get a new vehicle or playset and the rest of us would assemble it and place the decals while he enjoyed a piece of cake or a round of TMNT 2 on the NES. One year, Rob (Donatello-Rob from earlier) got the Sewer Lair Playset (probably the rarest turtles playset next to the Technodrome… NO ONE had the Technodrome), and we treated it as if his parents had just given him a car with machine guns mounted to the hood. I eventually got the Turtle Blimp (probably the rarest vehicle in the line), so my status as Leonardo, Chief Intolerable Asshole of the team wasn’t revoked.

I say all of that to say this: I don’t know if I care if Michael Bay fucks up the Ninja Turtles by making them aliens instead of mutants. Sure, that would basically shift the entire original purpose of characters (regular, ordinary creatures are elevated to extraordinary status through an accident of science), but that doesn’t really have any effect on how much I enjoyed them as a child or how fondly I remember them today. You might call fowl, but this is different them George Lucas going back and altering/invalidating my memories through meddling with existing films. And it’s different than Michael Bay taking a steaming cyber-crap all over Transformers since that franchise has never payed any real attention to it’s own continuity (SHUT UP WILLIS! I’VE DONE MY HOMEWORK!) to begin with. I think the only reason people my age were mad at him for Transformers is because he was making the first official live action version of the series. Ninja Turtles already had two great live action movies (we do not speak of the third one… what third one?), which almost perfectly encapsulated the spirit of the franchise in the 80’s and early 90’s and brought to life the version of the Turtles that I grew up with. Sure they were cheesy, but so was everything else back then. And if you’re still upset, remember that the movies strayed pretty far from the cartoon origin story by making Splinter and Hamato Yoshi two different beings. Do you remember the scene where the rat learns kung fu? That shit was ridiculous. [UPDATE: is has been pedanted pointed out to me NUMEROUS times that the first movie followed the origin from the comics and it was the original cartoon that deviated plot-wise. Well, that just further proves my point that nothing is sacred in the TMNT franchise, so any changes made to the origin are fair game.]

The thing about Ninja Turtules is that unlike almost every other franchise from the 80’s, it never went away. It would go off the air for a year or two at most before it came back with a new incarnation. There were multiple cartoon shows, some continuations, some reboots. There was a live action show, For a while it was about alien Triceratopses, and one of the most recent cartoons took place over 100 years in the future. The only thing Bay talking about changing is literally THE ONLY THING that hasn’t already been changed. The weird thing about Ninja Turtles is every kid who was 8 years old at any point between 1987 and 2012 could have grown up with them, but not necessarily the same ones you did. Hell, I haven’t even mentioned the comics. I say let Bay do his worst. My bandanna is still blue, my katana is still plastic and my memories are intact. Cowabunga, you Fancy Bastards.

COMMENTERS: Feel free to weigh on on the aliens vs. mutant debate.  Which Turtles were YOUR Turtles? What was your favorite Turtles toy/ coolest one you never owned? Mine were the rubberized figures released after the first movie. They were more flexible and had realistic skin. What was the weirdest Turtles tie-in product you ever saw? For me it was the “Ooze” fruit pies. I probably ate 100 of them, but damn do they seem toxic in retrospect.

UPDATE: My friend Paul gives his pitch for how the alien turtle thing could work and not make his inner 8 year old weep. He wants to believe SOOOO badly.

comic-2011-12-03-lo-fijinks-no-we-caint.jpg

No We Cain’t

comic-2011-12-03-lo-fijinks-no-we-caint.jpg

“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

Me, Randy MilhollandDavid Willis, Danielle Corsetto, Jeph Jaques, Rob Denbleyker and MORE will be at the Dragon’s Lair Webcomic Rampage panel/signing event on December 10th and 11th. It is always a good time. Austin Fancy Bastard should NOT miss it.

Saturday 8-11 pm
Sunday 12-5 pm

**Q&A panels by reservation only!**
Sat: 6-8 pm
Sun: 10-12 before signings
8-11 pm after signings

HijiNKS ENSUE at Dragons Lair Webcomic Rampage

GUYS! Before you get your ballots all in a knot, I am not making fun of Herman Cain’s political views, his party or his policies. I am making fun of the fact that he quoted the Pokemon Movie theme song in a speech, that he might have gotten his tax plan from Sim City and the fact that he was actually a performance artist who punked the entire nation for like 6 months. I’m not entirely convinced that he wasn’t Banksy.

COMMENTERS: Please write a new campaign speech or slogan for Herman Cain using the cartoon theme song of your choice. Bonus points if you can work in Big Bad Beetle Borgs. Alternately, come up with a campaign platform based on a video game. Will you rid the country of illegal Koopa Troppa immigrants? Will we move to magic, floating coin-based economy?

comic-2011-04-27-blasphormers.jpg

Blasphormers

comic-2011-04-27-blasphormers.jpg

My Heart Is A Hate-filled Pineapple T-Shirts are Alive and Pulsating @ Sharksplode!!!

My Heart Is A Hate-Filled Pineapple T-Shirt at Sharksplode

NEW HE PODCASTEpisode 83 “Ass Merkins”

Sharksplode.com - Geeky Nerdy T-Shirts, Funny Tee Shirts

The soaps were scented in various Autobot flavors. Diesel for Optimus Prime, New Van Smell for Ironhide, Lilac for Bumblebee, and High Karate for Jazz.

The events in this comic are 100% true in that they are two half truths combined into one super-truth. The first half come courtesy of the fact that I did find a Transformers themed door hanger from a local church on my front door this week. Pretty sneaky, Jesus.

And the rest of the truth concerns that fact that, while he was not present at the time of the door hanger discovery, this is EXACTLY WHAT IT IS LIKE TO TALK TO DAVID WILLIS ABOUT TRANSFORMERS. Let me be clear: I am not disparaging Willis’s mighty knowledge of all things Cybertron. I marvel at it in fact. I ask him leading questions just to hear him weave his gentle word-music about what Dinobot prefers for breakfast in the US comics vs. the Japanese comics [SPOILERS: It’s Energon in both]. At least a dozen times he has answered questions about the franchise that have plagued me since elementary school. Those of you not privy to his physical being can partake of his robo-knowings at the TF-Wiki, of which he is a major contributor. David has appeared in HE a few other times. Go Read BOTH of HIS COMICS. Love him as he loves fictional robots with silly names.

COMMENTERS: What other 1980’s cartoons or Michael Bay-type movies would make good religious advertisements? Please try to keep it light-hearted and respectful, since I’m sure I’ve already offended plenty for all of us. I think I saw a Thundercats TV spot about not huffing glue one time.


 

comic-2011-02-10-variations-on-a-theme.jpg

Variations On A Theme

comic-2011-02-10-variations-on-a-theme.jpg

Team Edward [James Olmos] Shirts at Topatoco!

I recorded a podcast with Alex and Roger, which will be uploaded over the weekend, and this [what you see in the panels above] just sort of happened after we stopped recording. I thought it was amusing enough to share. Perhaps I thought wrong. Perhaps I thought not wrong enough, and perhaps even too right. Time will never tell and history shall not be the judge, for this is an insignificant matter and history has a lot of judging on its plate already.

If you are curious as to why I have M.A.S.K. [look HERE and HERE if you are unfamiliar] on the brain, I have been spending a lot of time watching the intros to 80’s cartoon shows on YouTube… for… research. If that fact raises even further questions, rest assured those of you that preordered HE Book 2 will soon learn the reason why. Those of you that did not may continue to wallow in dispair and confusion.

I am headed out of town to visit family, so the Friday Lo-FiJINKS comic will likely be posted late Friday night or possibly Saturday. I’m still getting used to the increased comic output schedule, but I hope you are enjoying it.

COMMENTERS: What was your favorite 80’s cartoon theme song? Which was the worst? Which was the best-worst-most-over-the-top-hair-metal-explode-a-ganza?

comic-2011-01-27-lo-fijinks-thundercats-bro-before-thundercats-ho.jpg

Thundercats Bro Before Thundercats Ho

comic-2011-01-27-lo-fijinks-thundercats-bro-before-thundercats-ho.jpg

Preorder HijiNKS ENSUE Book 2!!!ONLY 18 UFE’s LEFT AND ONLY 3days left to get them: There are 18 Ultimate Fancy Editions of the book left and the files must be fully proofed and turned into the printer by Sunday 1/30/2011. Once those last UFE’s are sold I will have covered 100% of the printing costs + all other book-related expenses. PLEASE HELP me make this thing a success. 4 days! We can do it!

Doing Lo-FiJINKS comics for the rest of the week so I can finish up the book WHICH IS DUE SUNDAY AND OMG I AM FREAKING OUT.

I will definitely be watching the new Thundercats animated series, but not (only) because of how far Thunderan cleavage technology has advanced in the last 20 years. Thundercats was my favorite show when it was first airing. I had a multitude of action figured, the Thundertank, and a life size Lion-o suit complete with plastic Sword of Omens and Glove of… Portents? Glove of Mysteries? Power Glove? I don’t remember what it was called, but it was awesome. I think the blend of fantasy and sci-fi really appealed to me. They had spaceships and laser cannons and what not, but there leader was the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi portrayed by Jaguar. I think his name was Jag-o, or Jag-off.

I was, however, quite disturbed as a child by the pilot episode referenced in the comic above. Everyone of the Thundercats was complete naked for the nearly the entire episode. Even the kids. And, seeing as how they are basically animals, that probably wouldn’t have registered as odd if they didn’t make a huge deal about, “OK, now we’re at the planet. We should put some clothes on.” It makes me think nudity wasn’t common on Thudera and they were just weirdos. Like the people that make their kids watch them have sex because “it’s natural.” It’s like they were just putting on clothes because the pizza guy was at the door.

I only saw that episode once when I was young, but the memory of it burned in my brain. I was too young to understand if I was aroused by it, so I think my only real reactions were confusion and fear. I had the same reaction to an episode of The Mysterious Cities of Gold where the main character got naked to play in the river. It was a Japanese import, so I’m sure the creators thought nothing of it. Nudity is something Americans are taught to fear and be ashamed of at a very early age and I think it sticks with us throughout life. The rest of the world (literally ALL OF THE REST OF THE WORLD) doesn’t seem to have that same hang up.

“Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight… right into Cheetara’s bedroom. Meow.”

Anyway, enough strolling down repressed childhood memory lane.

COMMENTERS: Are you going to check out the new Thundercats? Did you enjoy the original? Post any Thundercats related thoughts below.