Kevin Smith has not already seen J.J. Abram’s “Star Trek.” Except that he totally has. But he hasn’t. And whatever he hasn’t seen, he can’t talk about. What can’t he talk about? He’s not at liberty to say. Let’s just say pointy ears are involved…I’ve said too much.

Well I’ve seen the movie too, and I’m not going to be as stingy with the information as Mr. Smith.

I can say, without a doubt, each of these things happens in the new Star Trek:

  • Kirk is brash, brazen and undisciplined and for this he will be reprimanded
  • Spock will be forced to make an illogical decision then somehow say it was the logical thing to do
  • Chekov will… let me get back to him
  • The Romulans will seem trustworthy then turn out to be assholes
  • Sulu will throw a fabulous dinner party
  • Kirk will get laid, get in a fight, then get in a sex-fight
  • Uhura will take a message for Kirk will he’s doing the sex-fight
  • Uhura will showcase the roundness of her various space parts
  • Scotty will throw vinyl records at the Romulans and beat them with a cricket bat
  • Bones will be a doctor, not a something else, damnit
  • Chekov will… scan something

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