Joel And Sleepy Eli Strike Back

Kevin Smith has not already seen J.J. Abram’s “Star Trek.” Except that he totally has. But he hasn’t. And whatever he hasn’t seen, he can’t talk about. What can’t he talk about? He’s not at liberty to say. Let’s just say pointy ears are involved…I’ve said too much.

Well I’ve seen the movie too, and I’m not going to be as stingy with the information as Mr. Smith.

I can say, without a doubt, each of these things happens in the new Star Trek:

  • Kirk is brash, brazen and undisciplined and for this he will be reprimanded
  • Spock will be forced to make an illogical decision then somehow say it was the logical thing to do
  • Chekov will… let me get back to him
  • The Romulans will seem trustworthy then turn out to be assholes
  • Sulu will throw a fabulous dinner party
  • Kirk will get laid, get in a fight, then get in a sex-fight
  • Uhura will take a message for Kirk will he’s doing the sex-fight
  • Uhura will showcase the roundness of her various space parts
  • Scotty will throw vinyl records at the Romulans and beat them with a cricket bat
  • Bones will be a doctor, not a something else, damnit
  • Chekov will… scan something

REMINDER!!! Castcast Live Tonight!!!

More Info HERE.

Who Snooches The Noochmen?

I’m making it my mission to infiltrate this underground ring of original creator-made comic book smut. I’ll first set my sites on Joss Whedon and work my way to Warren Ellis.

Let me separate comic Joel from real life Joel for a minute and state that I am VERY enthusiastic about “Watchmen” movie and I’m sure it will kick all sorts of kickassery. It just makes for better funny-ha-ha in the comic when I hate everything Josh and Eli love. I want to be clear that I am not actually like this. I REALLY only hate everything Josh loves. Big difference.

All that said, Kevin Smith is probably not the person you want to hinge your “should I see Watchmen” decision on. I’m sure the guy running the screening had to ask Mr. Smith to pull his pants up several times during the film. Hell, if it IS 3 hours long you might need to rub one out just to make it through the whole thing.

In case you aren’t keeping up with Fox’s lawsuit to stop the March ’09 release of “Watchmen” (remember, FOX must destroy happiness wherever it finds it in order to satiate Rupert Murdoch’s nearly unquenchable thirst for geek sorrow) here are a few links to get you up to speed:

Make no mistake that FOX has no intention of actually preventing “Watchmen” from being released. They just want a taste of that sweet sweet cash candy that the film is certain to generate. FOX is just exercising their legal right to soullessness.

Regarding the lack of a Monday comic due to my shoulder/neck/back injury: I can’t promise anything yet, but I am going to try to do 2 more comics this week to make up for it. That’s either means new HE’s on Thurday and Friday or Friday and Saturday.

Regarding the 3 panel layout in today’s comic: I was trying something new but I actually found it pretty limiting space-wise. It forced me to make some script and graphic decisions I wasn’t happy with, so don’t expect to see too much of it in the future.

Less Cylons, More Dick Jokes

Kevin Smith is set to direct an episode of Battlestar Galactica during its forth and final season. This could go either way. On the one hand, he’s obviously a fan so he will probably geek all over the script and try to do it justice. On the other hand we might see Baltar go to a donkey show, or Adama get tricked into having sex with Helen Tigh’s corpse.

The more I think about it the more I question the producers’ motives. Never once have wondered what BSG would be like if the dialog revolved more around “ejaculate” and what one might do with said “ejaculate” when in the presence of, let’s say, your mother.

He’s also doing an episode of Heroes Origins where he’s not only writing and directing but also creating the character. I’ve got some predictions on who is hero will be and what abilities they will have:

  • Comic book nerd. Born with a wedgie proof ass. No crack.
  • 16 year old boy with super stretchy neck for auto-fellatio
  • Fat guy with a beard that wears a Batman Suit. No Powers.
  • Ben Afleck

Special thanks to everyone who voted for HijiNKS Ensue in Joystiq’s Weekend Webcomic Whimmy Wham Wham Wozzle. Look for a new comic on Thursay (and hopefully every Mondy and Thursday from here on out).


As I’m sure you’ve heard, the Kevin Smith BSG is NOT happening after all. A reader brought to my attention KS’s own take on the subject:

Kevin Says:
Well, Kevin Smith himself said on his blog that he’s NOT directing any BSG (even though he wanted to). Apparently there was a conflict.

“I get a message that “Battlestar Galactica” producer Ron Moore’s called, so I return the call and he tells me he’s sorry my directing stint on his program’s not gonna happen.”