Check And Mate

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts, nerdy shirts

You know that thing where you try to make fun of a stupid movie premise by assuming the absolute dumbest thing they could possibly do with the source material, and then they ruin all your fun by actually doing that thing? Yeah, that really sucks the life out of a joke.

Just to be clear: in Battleship, which is a REAL board game-based movie that is REALLY coming out next year, the alien spaceship shoots pegs into the battleships. For actual really for real. [click image to embiggen]

Dallas Fancy Bastards! I am going to be at STRIP: The Dallas Webcomic Expo this Saturday [August 6th] from 10-5pm. It’s only $5 to get in. Come get a book or a sketch. It’s a very low key show and I’ll probably be doing a fun times panel with the dude from Cyanide and Happiness.

I am also going to be attending the Marian Call concert tomorrow night (Tuesday the 2nd) at Poor David’s Pub in Dallas. You should come.

Last thing: My AC died today and living without AC in Texas is not an option. The new unit is costing me $3000. SPOILERS: I don’t have 1 thousand of dollars, let alone 3 of them. If you enjoy my ability to make comics without dying of heat stroke, please consider making a donation, buying something from the store or buying something from Sharksplode.

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  1. I totally get that the Alien spaceship which undoubtedly came lightyears, has the technology to blank out our radar or remain invisible or all that but, given that, how do we make them blind so THEY have to shoot blindly at us? Also, how the hell are we even a threat given that?

  2. Somewhere in time and space, 31 year old me is trying to tell 13 year old me that the bad guy in Battleship is actually an alien ship firing pegs at you, and that does NOT make the game "totally more effing awesome," despite whatever he thinks.

  3. What you guys don't realize is that they are interdimensional internet-troll-aliens who know this is a board game in an alternate dimension and in the last scene they send a message that reads, "Did we sink something? *troll face*"

    Also, until the titles came up I was pretty sure this movie was Free Willy V: Robo-Willy. "He's back and he's stopping whaling with extreme prejudice and pew pew lasers."

    • Next up:
      Rock-em, Sock-em Robots: The Movie
      Spirograph: The Spiro-ening
      Honey, I Shrinky-Dinked the Kids!
      Julia Child IV: The Easy Bake Off
      Late Afternoon of the Living Play-Doh!

      And so on…ruin your childhood as morons who make more money than you ever could get to put movies on the screen whilst you toil for PHBs in a cube farm.

      Sorry, I need to go kill virtual things. *gets off very crushed soap box*

          • There's no way they're not affiliated! I saw previews for them back to back! And this RIGHT AFTER joking with my friends about the new horror/thriller/board-game movie: Don't Wake Daddy. I am ashamed of humanity. No wonder all those aliens want to sink our battleships. *le sigh*

            • I'm waiting for them to get desperate enough to start crossing properties. I want to see Conan the Destroyer take Candy Land. How about "The Fast and the Furious" meets Sorry? Gordon Gekko meets Rich Uncle Pennybags in AC for some Monopoly action? Night of the Living Cooties?

  4. Between this and the 3 Musketeers movie with the zeppelin boats, I'm beginning to question my assumption that movie execs can't stoop past a certain point.

  5. Okay, honestly thought you were joking, then I saw the trailer.

    What the blueberry fuckmuffins is this shit?

  6. When I first saw the trailer I said "what. ….?" Out loud and in the theater. My friend responded in kind with "you know, Battleship?" No, I don't know. Is there a book or some comic that I missed? Nope. It's a movie about a game. Not even a cool roleplaying game or anything, a game that takes tiny ships and pegs and GUESS WORK.

    This is what the movie industry thinks we need? They should call me, I could give them ideas.

    • Is one of your ideas 're-lobotomise the person who greenlit this, cos you obviously didn't do it properly the first time'? cos that would be a great start (and a kindness).

  7. My thoughts were demonstrated when I posted the trailer on my facebook along with my caption: "What's next, 2013's feature film, Chutes and Ladders? Horror-thriller Connect 4?" I am so done with these production companies.

    By the way, anyone else notice that it's starring a few semi-known actors as romantic leads, not to mention a supporting cast that includes Liam Neeson and… (wait for it)…Rhianna?? And not only that, she's playing "Petty Officer Raikes, Hopper's crewmate and a weapons specialist on the USS John Paul Jones" Are they even trying anymore??

  8. I will spend 10 bucks to get drunk and enjoy this. Why? It's going to be terrible, tits, it has Liam Neeson, tits, a naval officer in a scarf (so I'm guessing french or gay), more then likely lots of puns (better when I'm drunk) and did I mention tit's

    In all seriousity or whatever, Hasbro mad a butt ton of cash off of Transformers so their going to keep going to the movie bank until all are childhood memories are destroyed.

  9. Battleship Galactica. The pegs are cylons. There, I just gave your stupid movie a plot and a guaranteed box-office draw from all the geek protesters and ironicly curious. Where's my screenwriting cred?

  10. What the shit? I knew it was going to be stupid, but I didn't expect any resemblance to the actual game. This…with the pegs…this is top-shelf, hundred-proof stupid.

    I am reminded very much of a comic (can't remember which) that made fun of Yu-Gi-Oh!, the card game, being the premise of Yu-Gi-Oh!, the TV show. "Oh man, what's he gonna do? … OH SNAP! HE FLIPPED A CARD! Now what's that other guy gonna do?! … HOLY EFFING SHIT HE FLIPPED ANOTHER CARD!!"

    Just like that. But with the shooting of pegs. And shots in the dark. Peg-shots in the dark. Okay, I'm done.

  11. If you take an aerial view, and rotate the screen so the enemy ships are on top, you can pretend it's Space Invaders.

    • Sadly, that'd actually be an improvement.

      But seriously, stop giving them ideas. You do know the Syfy people routinely scour this place for their "productions" ever since Joel jokingly made a comic about their creative process.

  12. Battleship already had an iconic cinema moment (in the seond Bill And Ted movie, unless it was the first one). This is just sad.

    On the other hand, it could be useful for the furtherance of certain political aims. Have our children been warned about the threat that Al Qaeda might possess Peg Technology?

  13. Why not just go to window A/C units? Then you don't have to cool the whole house down, just the parts you're in. Vastly cheaper upfront, too.

    • well, we live and work at home and we have a 4 year old. The parts of the house we're in are all of the parts of the house. Central AC in Dallas, TX (where it was 110 degrees today) isn't really a "maybe" kind of thing. Its a necessity.

  14. You know, some philosophical scientists recently theorized that there was an upper limit to human creativity. Much like the parable with monkeys and keyboards, given enough time, humans will eventually come up with everything that we can come up with, until there are no new ideas.

    I take this battleship movie as the first real proof that we're there or very close. Hollywood Heat Death: 2013

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