Our Crowning Achievement


“Except for sometimes, when it doesn’t go far away. Then it just goes into a big metal bucket under the front yard and a truck has to come by every once in awhile to take it far away. So what kinda mileage you get on that space car? That a V8? V6? Whatcha’ got there? A flesh vaporizin’ ray gun?”

It would mean a lot to me if you signed up for Patreon and supported me there. Comics is my full time job, but it currently just barely pays full time money. Every little bit helps.


With this comic, I had two ideas along the same theme and sketched them both out. My Patrons got to see my alternate take on this comic’s theme! Were you such a Patron, you would have bonus comics as well!

I try to remind myself often to be thankful for plumbing. Not just plumbing, but INDOOR plumbing. I don’t have to go down the street to poop, or stand in line or wade through a crocodile infested river or anything! All I have to do is go to the room in my house that we’ve decided is the one place it’s ok to poop (I don’t remember voting on this, but there seems to be a pretty clear consensus among my family members and even our occasional guests) and do whatever disgusting thing comes natural.

In the uncomfortably recent past, people had to endure all sorts of ordeals just to poop and then get away from it. Sometimes they couldn’t get away from it at all! Other times they would get away from theirs only to be immediately confronted with someone else’s! MANY someones else! In Victorian England, you’d toss the contents of your poop pot into the god damn street, and be all, “Well, at least I don’t have to deal with my own poops anymore,” just as some other Victorian knob tosses their poops right out in front of you! Now you’re dealing with STRANGE POOPS! This is the worst kind of poops to deal with. It’s bad enough when they’re familiar. It’s a whole different story when they previously belonged to your neighbors and other various Victorian randos.

Indoor plumbing is a miracle. A fragile, beautiful, FRAGILE miracle. I say “fragile” because I know how much infrastructure is involved in keeping the pipes zooming the dooks away from the places where our children and pets sleep. When society starts to crumble in… let’s call it an even 15 years, we (just like the Pope) will be shitting in the woods. Then nobody’s gonna want to go in the woods. “Those woods were pretty nice, before the fall of Mankind,” they’ll say as they tear their neighbors trachea out with their bare hands because they heard the neighbor was hoarding clean water. “Yep, real sham about those woods,” they’ll mutter, arms awash in throat blood.

Oh, did you not know we were going to be killing each other over water before the current slate of Marvel movies has been released? Well, we are. If you need more evidence than the fact that we fill our toilets with clean drinking water when a billion Indians don’t even have access to the stuff, then… I don’t know, you’re dumb I guess. “Yep, we used to poop in water. CLEAN water! Can you believe it?” you’ll regale the tales of old to the children. “The hubris! Can you believe the hub-NO, Jacob! With the thumbs! Use your thumbs to poke his eyes into his brain! If he can’t see, he can’t stop us from taking his water rations! THAT’s it! Now you’re gouging!” At least you’ll still be able to spend time with the kids.


Denver Comic Con 2014 Fancy Sketches


Dearest Fancy Bastards, if you enjoy this comic, please check out my store, my shirts on Sharksplode, and my wife’s geeky jewelry on Etsy. It would help us out a great deal.

Thanks for coming out to see me in Denver last weekend (even though you were actually there to see Cyanide & Happiness). Here are some of the hundreds of sketches we drew for various enthusiastic Denverites. These are probably THE ONLY sketches from the entire weekend that didn’t involve graphic nudity, intense and disturbing sexual imagery, horrific violence and just a ton of boners and ass blood. It was that kind of weekend.

Fancy Patrons: We are less than $50 away from unlocking more comics per week!



Toronto Fan Expo 2013 Fancy Sketches


Soory I had a good time in Toronto, eh? I accomplished all of my goals. I attended Fan Expo and spoke to some nice northern Fancy Bastards, I ate 100% of Toronto’s meat supply at Korean Grill House (my actual favorite restaurant in all of the world), I wrote a musical about meat during that meal (much to the chagrin of my co-dining cartoonist friends), and I attended the Banana Bar Crawl (more on that in a second).

Big big thanks to Andrew of I Am ARG and Paul “Leftovers” Westover for hosting me for my Canadian Weekend. Additional thanks to the all the Torontonian(?) Fancy Bastards who came out to say hi and to the Cyanide and Happiness fans that I did sketches for.

Here are a few more things I drew at Fan Expo: A couple of D&D characters, a fractal penis (probably too sexy for work) and a photo comic I made this morning about David Willis on my phone from a plane that was trying to take off.

About that Banana Bar Crawl… I REALLY don’t like bar crawls. I like nice quiet evenings with friends. If we find a good bar with a good atmosphere and a good volume level, I like to stay there until everyone has drank 100 drinks, laughed 1000 laughs and fallen down into a pile on the floor which has to be pushed into the gutter with a large-ish broom. The Cyanide and Happiness fellows have been trying to drag me to the annual Dallas Banana Bar Crawl for years. Since they decided to have on in Toronto, and seeing as how I was trapped there, AND on the condition that they pay for all of my drinks, I agreed to 1) come along and 2) complain a little less.

Guys… oh man, guys… it was a fun time. I stepped out of my comfort zone and partied with my friends and about 200 weirdos in banana suits across 3 or 4 bars in Toronto and I had an amazing time. If you are in Dallas or Toronto and you are not swayed by my words, BE SWAYED AS ALL HELL BY THIS VIDEO EVIDENCE OF FUN TIMES

Have you seen my wife’s latest geeky jewelry creation? MOTHER EFFING LIGHTSABRE NECKLACES AND EARRINGS! 

lightsaber necklace and earrings

COMMENTERS: When was the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone, tried something you thought you’d hate and actually loved it?

Comments (15)

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Never. My comfort zone is freaking AWESOME!
Dio's avatar

Dio · 94 weeks ago

Wow, those lightsaber necklaces are cool! Does your wife make them for boys, too?

1 reply · active 94 weeks ago

if all you need is a longer chain just message her through etsy
4 lights is amazing!
my costume was accidentally left at the booth. my blessing and my curse.
I’m a bit confused on the Batman one… Why is he gloating to Supes about bagging the Joker

2 replies · active 94 weeks ago

seriously's avatar

seriously · 94 weeks ago

Maybe he’s gloating, because Batman’s archenemy can’t carry around a little green rock that turns him into a pussy like Superman’s can?
Allen's avatar

Allen · 94 weeks ago

It’s a reference to Good Will Hunting. (Matt Damon and, most importantly in this case, Ben Affleck were in it and wrote the screenplay.)
Gumbules's avatar

Gumbules · 94 weeks ago

Totally agree with tzeentchling. “There are 4 lights!” is brilliant!
zathael's avatar

zathael · 94 weeks ago

Never. My comfort zone is surrounded by cement fortifications and razorwire. The Guards on the towers have sniper rifles and have standing orders to shoot to kill.
Allen's avatar

Allen · 94 weeks ago

Is it just that imagines that restaurant as the one Supes and Bats hang out in in the How It Should Have Ended videos?

1 reply · active 94 weeks ago

Leshka's avatar

Leshka · 94 weeks ago

I thought so as well. Of course, he wasn’t saying “Because I’m Batman” so maybe not.
Well…I used to be a fairly distant sort and didn’t like being touched.

Then I decided to go to massage school because I wanted to heal people, and it turned out to be a pretty awesome decision.

neph sy's avatar

neph sy · 94 weeks ago

Hey, I noticed that Hijinks Ensue joined in with other comics like Girls with Slingshots, Eerie Cuties, etc.(through Hiveworks??)
Just wanted you to know that when I click on the Hijinks drawing, the LINK ISN’T WORKING to HijinksEnsue.
Google Chrome message is Oops Google Chrome could not find http. Did you mean Hijinksensue.com (this is a link that connect to your site).

Firefox message is: Firefox can’t find the server at http.


Hard Touching Meat Puppets


[STORE UPDATE] Thanks to the diligence of the Blind Ferret team, the HijiNKS Ensue Store is un-hacked, re-upped and back-backed! I’ve lost over a 1/4 of my merch revenue for the month (and Jan/Feb are already slow months) so let’s all go celebrate by BUYING SOMETHING!!!

My temporary PRINT SHOP with my BRAND NEW “TESLA UNCOILED” print and many of my most popular large prints is still up and running and probably will be until I return from JoCo Cruise Crazy 3. Get on that mess while you can!

Thanks to my friend Kris who helped with the title and some of the dialog for this comic. We had a sleepover and wrote comics in our jammies. I believe our jammy session also resulted in THIS. We’ve been doing some other writing as well that may soon yield… results. SERIOUS RESULTS.

COMMENTERS: Have you ever tried to fake your way through a conversation about a topic you knew nothing about? For me, I often laugh at things people say that have the proper cadence of a joke (good timing, good delivery, etc) even if I don’t get the reference. Then if they follow up with, “So you’ve seen that?” I just give a shameful yet stern, “No.”


The Welcome Wagon



funny scifi parody t-shirt newt 2012 newt for president t-shirt aliens ripley scifi parody

There’s got to be more to it than warp drive, right? What about Mr. Clean Magic Easers? How could you consider a species for eventual admission into the United Federation of Planets if they can’t even get tough, baked on spaghetti stains off their glass top ranges? I say it breaks down like this: You want to roll with the galactic big boys? You need ten things. 1) Warp drive 2) Equality 3) Mostly functional government with short campaign periods, minimal television coverage, and strict caps on campaign donations to minimize big business influence 4) Press’N Seal Wrap 5) Magic Erasers 6) Dyson vacuums 7) Segways (Not that anyone actually uses them. We just need to see that you CAN make them.) 8) Multiroom DVR or GTFO 9) Peanut butter and jelly in the SAME jar (Same as with the Segway or a nuclear bomb. Just a proof of concept.) 10) … I don’t know. World peace or something.

COMMENTERS: What are the other necessities for initiating first contact with a new species? Should they have created, abandoned, re-created and re-abandon 3D movies? What are the hallmarks of true readiness to join the galactic society?  Should they have developed a method for merging a Pizza Hut AND a Taco Bell?

You can now purchase a super high quality 11×17″ print of any HE comic by clicking the “Buy A Print” button between the “Previous” and “Next” buttons in the navigation menu. If you don’t see it, try refreshing your browser cache.

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