Why Do You Cry?

You mean people? I dont’ know. We just cry. You know, when it hurts. Like when McG Makes a movie.

Before you lob your “BUT I TOTALLY LURV’D IT LOL!” bombs at me, I have not yet seen “Terminator: Salvation.” This comic is based on my conversation with Eli on HE Podcast Post Show #55 (Donate to get access to The Vault). His arguments were uncharacteristically sober and went as follows:

  1. It sucks, don’t watch it
  2. It looked like shit
  3. Christian Bale isn’t even the star
  4. All the best scenes are in the trailer

To address his first point, every review I’ve seen so far says the film is generic pop-corn action with little regard for carrying on the Terminator mantle, is poorly executed and sloppily put together. While it is technically “a movie” it is not a “movie you should go see.” This saddens me more than the time I had to have my mother committed because she kept going on and on about “the machines” and “judgment day” and “naked Austrian men in time bubbles.”

He went on the say the film looks like it was shot with a webcam and edited with a hub cap (which can’t even edit video, so that’s saying a lot). I would wager his already building rage colored his view of the cinematic aspects of the film. I bet it looks pretty good, especially when shown in a digital theater or eventually on Blu-Ray. He did say, however, that other than the main FX shots in the trailer most of the CG work was abysmal. I’ll take his word for that. If the film does look like crap, I heard a rumor that they were “done professionally” with their Director of Photography which may have been part of the problem.

I understand Christian Bale was offered the starring role of Marcus, the hybrid Terminator, but wanted to be John Connor instead. It’s probably for the best seeing as how he normally throws himself into his roles. If he can get down to 120 lbs, for “The Machinist he might have actually become a cyborg for “Terminator.” Eli thinks this movie will ruin my longstanding man-crush on Christian Bale. Other than my strong belief in robots, this is one of the tenets I hold most dear. The idea of jeopardizing it is more than a little frightening.

I have to give it up to the dude that cut the trailers. They had me Terminator: Salivating for “Terminator Salvation.” I was genuinely giddy to get all up ons this franchise again. If all the best moments are in the trailers, then I guess I got more entertainment than Eli and for $12 less.

Have you seen it? What did you think? I’ll probably wait for DVD at this point. COMMENT WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

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  1. Half the time I was watching the movie, I was confused because I couldn't understand how John Connor could possibly be Batman, yet there was that growly gravely voice…

  2. Yea, T4 sucked. T3 was way better. More guns, more explosions, more killer robots. Scarier killer robots despite the star-shaped stripper glasses that Arnold wore at one point. T3 also had more of a plot than T4 – also, fewer plot holes. And T3 had the inflato-booby terminator!

    Basically, I suggest that you wait for the DVD. I don't think it would be worth it to buy it in blue-ray. The visuals weren't that good or spectacular. Your friend was right – the best parts are all in the trailers.

    • I'm sorry, did you actually have your eyes open during the shit-splosion that was T3? Or did you just turn around and listen to the pretty explosions? Because "Batteries Not Included" had better visual graphics than Terminator 3.

    • Are you stoned? There is no way, even subjectively, that T3 was as good as Salvation. Salvation was like anholage to everything cool about anything, from the great escape to Mad Max to brave new world. And the end with the dun dun dun dun!!! It was way cooler than the abortion that was T3. You people just like raggin on stuff for the sake of it.

  3. I think Bale's robotic acting was to counter-act the humanity in Marcus.

    And of course it wasn't about Connor, it's never been. The Terminator (whichever one in whichever movie) has always been the main character.

    It was WAY better than T3 in every possible way.

    • I absolutely agree with you. The Terminator series is all about the robots, and T4 has a terminator who you can actually connect with and whose benefits aren't merely that he looks sexy in red leather. And the last line in the movie isn't "I'll never forget what the terminator taught me," so of course T4 is better.

  4. Movie bears had a choice Tues of Terminator or Night at the Museum.
    I went for the latter. I win.

    Don't get me wrong, NATM was not good, but it did have a charmingly perky Amy Adams and an occasionally very funny Hank Azaria. As I said, I win.

    Does Bale do anything acting-wise other than mumble in a hoarse monotone?

  5. Terminator Salvation isn't the steaming pile of shit that some make it out to be but it's also never excels above being mediocre. Really the most damning thing to me about it is it never establishes it's own identity. It's basically Terminator's greatest hits with Bale turned up to 11. I will say Anton Yelchin as Kyle Reese damn near stole the movie. If it had been about him the film would've been much stronger.

  6. I would have to echo eli's thoughts on T4. To put it succinctly it wasn't the movie I wanted to see. I was entertained, and it was worth the matinee ticket but it was disappointing. One of my gripes (though admittedly minor and stupid to bitch about) was that even after annihilation and Armageddon, people still get to the dentist regularly (every actor has perfect white teeth!)

  7. It was fairly decent. I only had to pay $6 to see it, so maybe that blurs my judgment of what's worth paying for. I say it's better than T3, but only because I have a thing for post-apocalyptic movies. It certainly could have been much better…but hey I'd see it again. I've been disappointed more by other movies. Plus I'd see anything with Anton Yelchin in it at the moment.

  8. See it in the theater at the cheaper afternoon price. You will not be disappointed at the bargain, and there will be no need to buy (or even rent) the DVD.

    This movie fits the other films' continuity (what exists of it, anyway). It shows how smart Skynet can be. But it is NOT the end of the first Terminator continuity. It is the MIDDLE of the war. It is post-apocalyptic, and dreary at times, but living in such a world must be.

    It is a Sarah Connor Chronicles episode writ large, but with Marcus instead of Cameron. It also marks a turning point in John Connor's journey: he learns that in a time war, thinking you know the future can be just as deadly.

      • Don't I wish; then I'd actually get PAID to write copy. I'm just a fan of good SF and fun SF (they are sometimes exclusive, see the Ender series), hoping you don't miss out on something you'll probably enjoy because of bad expectations. (They're marketing it wrong like Snakes On A Plane was marketed wrong.)

        But seriously, I consider (the better episodes of) Chronicles to be the pinnacle of the Terminator multiverse. A time war in full swing, nearing endgame, with a future far less known than any previous. It captures the heady mix of prophecy and free will, anticipation and dread, which T2 only hinted at, and (IMHO) T3 blatantly ignored.

        T4 is like that, but with more action, less hope, and just as much talking. And unfortunately, no Summer Glau.

  9. You know, don't let it ruin your man crush on Bale. He's been in a few duds. (Shaft ring any bells?) But for every Shaft or Terminator (which I haven't seen yet, either), there's an American Psycho, The Machinist, The Prestige, Batman Begins… I think you get my point. I think every good actor picks bad movies from time to time.

  10. Personally I thought it was pretty damn good.
    1. People complain that Christian Bale acts angry and emotionless the whole movie but then again you fight a war from the time your 10 and see how much emotion you have left to give after everyone you know is dead. Not to mention this fits with what we know of future John.
    Connor in the future is a hardass who shows no emotion and has grown used to sacrificing people. Even sending back his father in time even though he knows he will die. I thought the way he was portrayed fit.
    2, Kyle Reese and Marcus Wright steal the movie.
    A big part of this movie is seeing Kyle Reese become the freedom fighter that will save Sarah Connor and become John's dad. Marcus Wright is the character that ties pre-judgement day to post and gave very good performance.
    All in all I thought the look of the movie was great as well as the terminators we get to see. Things look gritty and broken down. It holds the continuity well keeping in mind that the time line is in flux. I was actually pleasantly surprised by the scifi elements of this movie and how they very closely stuck to canon. All in all it brought some needed seriousness to a franchise that could have gone the way of AvP. As a fan of the movies and The Sarah Connor Chronicles I give it a B.

  11. I've seen the trailers and they are so spoilery I feel like I've already watched the movie. Baleman being Wright would've been awesome because he is a damn fine actor capable of, as you said, transforming himself even to a cyborg. But well, he's professional, so guess he has to be the leading man then.
    Might still check it out, because for me even the dumbest action flick seems cool when seen on big screen. After all, I did see T3 in the cinema, it wasn't that amazing but entertaining enough.


  12. I halfway liked it, because I was expecting it to be so SO much worse. But then I think about any two hours of the last season of T:SCC and then I am sad.

  13. The writing was so monumentally awful it killed the rest of the movie for me. Literally every word out of everyone's mouth was hackneyed cliche BS.

  14. Ignore everything you hear about this movie! Everyone told me it sucked badly. I went to see it, and I wanted to kick those people in the face. I absolutely loved it!

    You should see it in theaters, weather or not you enjoy it, it will be your choice, not a crowd's choice that may be entirely wrong.

  15. The editing in this movie was clearly the work of some sort of Nazi war-criminal. It's that bad.

    After the credits rolled, the only thing good I could say about the movie was that it did in fact fulfill the requirements for "movie," in that there were pictures that moved.

  16. Personally, it was neither supertabulous nor was it shittastic. It was very middle of the road and I was disappointed with it.

  17. I sum up my feelings for this movie with one sentence: "Not remotely as good as T2, but LEAPS, BOUNDS, and LIGHT YEARS beyond the absolute shit that was T3"

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