Why Do You Cry?

You mean people? I dont’ know. We just cry. You know, when it hurts. Like when McG Makes a movie.

Before you lob your “BUT I TOTALLY LURV’D IT LOL!” bombs at me, I have not yet seen “Terminator: Salvation.” This comic is based on my conversation with Eli on HE Podcast Post Show #55 (Donate to get access to The Vault). His arguments were uncharacteristically sober and went as follows:

  1. It sucks, don’t watch it
  2. It looked like shit
  3. Christian Bale isn’t even the star
  4. All the best scenes are in the trailer

To address his first point, every review I’ve seen so far says the film is generic pop-corn action with little regard for carrying on the Terminator mantle, is poorly executed and sloppily put together. While it is technically “a movie” it is not a “movie you should go see.” This saddens me more than the time I had to have my mother committed because she kept going on and on about “the machines” and “judgment day” and “naked Austrian men in time bubbles.”

He went on the say the film looks like it was shot with a webcam and edited with a hub cap (which can’t even edit video, so that’s saying a lot). I would wager his already building rage colored his view of the cinematic aspects of the film. I bet it looks pretty good, especially when shown in a digital theater or eventually on Blu-Ray. He did say, however, that other than the main FX shots in the trailer most of the CG work was abysmal. I’ll take his word for that. If the film does look like crap, I heard a rumor that they were “done professionally” with their Director of Photography which may have been part of the problem.

I understand Christian Bale was offered the starring role of Marcus, the hybrid Terminator, but wanted to be John Connor instead. It’s probably for the best seeing as how he normally throws himself into his roles. If he can get down to 120 lbs, for “The Machinist he might have actually become a cyborg for “Terminator.” Eli thinks this movie will ruin my longstanding man-crush on Christian Bale. Other than my strong belief in robots, this is one of the tenets I hold most dear. The idea of jeopardizing it is more than a little frightening.

I have to give it up to the dude that cut the trailers. They had me Terminator: Salivating for “Terminator Salvation.” I was genuinely giddy to get all up ons this franchise again. If all the best moments are in the trailers, then I guess I got more entertainment than Eli and for $12 less.

Have you seen it? What did you think? I’ll probably wait for DVD at this point. COMMENT WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

Do You Like Phil Collins?

Panel 5 is a naked, blood soaked Joel chasing Eli through a high rise with a chainsaw. I’m sure you know how it ends.

My man-crush on one Mr. Christian Bale is well documented. I mean you can’t spell Christian Bale without “Christ.” The man can do no wrong as far as I’m concerned. So what if he gets in domestic disturbances with his money grubbing family members and publicly humiliates the D.P. on the set of “Terminator 4? He was Batman. He was also Bateman. Those two roles alone get him a “get out of pretty much anything free forever” card in my book.

This particular “scandal” is rather interesting. You see, Mr. Bale is very serious about his craft. He chooses his roles very carefully and he takes them very… well, SERIOUSLY. He’s not fucking around. He got down to an emaciated 120 lbs for a movie that no one even saw. He’s dedicated to his art and he’s damn fine at what he does. “The Prestige“? C’mon! That movie was fucking amazing! Anyway, so he’s on the set of “Terminator 4” filming a scene and the D.P. is fiddling with his lights off camera… WHILE THEY’RE FILMING! That’s some amateur bullshit and BatBateBale wasn’t having any of it. He tore the guy a new asshole in front of everyone. You can almost hear him pissing himself on the recording.

The best part? Bale manages to stay in character for most of his rant. His English accent only starts to slip in towards the middle when he really lets lose on the guy. The second best part about the freak out? You can dance to it.

(No, this isn’t REALLY news. I’ve been looking for an excuse to do an American Psycho comic for a long time.)

Do you think Bale went too far? Did the D.P. deserve what he got? Let me know in the comments.