Wheaton Comic Dare: Unwatchable At Any Speed

Team Edward [James Olmos] Shirts at Topatoco!

NEW HE PODCAST [episode 78] IS HERE! Hours of extra podcast are HERE for Vault Subscribers.

New Lo-FiJINKS comic posted late last night!

Driving back to Dallas from Austin today so colors and what not will be finished this evening.
UPDATE: Refresh as hard as you can to see the finished comic.

Wheaton threw down another comic dare challenge and, as always, I accepted. When will you learn not to step to these mad comicing skills, Wheaton? When? WHEEEEEAAAAATONNNNNNNN!

Having seen the trailer for Drive Angry 1: Too Driving Too Angry, I got the impression that Nic Cage escaped hell to rescue his daughter, who was the slutty blond played by Amber Heard that he was driving so very angry with. Then I got the distinct impression they wanted to have sex with each other. THEN I saw the full trailer and realized she was just some road cooz along for the ride. Whatever. This movie looks banana-tits insane.

COMMENTERS: What’s your favorite/least favorite crazy/sane Nic Cage performance and why? Also, please create subtitles for the inevitable sequels to Drive Angry: Drive Momma From The Train.

Thanks to @SpringHeeledJak for suggesting the Hindenburg kite.

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41 Comments

  1. I know the comic isn't quite done but am I seeing things or is Josh flying a Hindenburg kite?

    Reply
    • It's the only kite i'll fly.

      Reply
      • That is so much win. Some needs to make that kite.

        Reply
      • I believe that it may be difficult to make a Hindenburg kite (as depicted, post-maiming) that is capable of actually staying aloft. The attempted producers of said kite would not be the first people to discover this.

        Reply
  2. "Gunfight sex" – Phrase guarenteed to generate ticket sales…
    Assuming it's not between Nic and his gun.

    Reply
  3. Drive Angry: Driving Miss Daisy

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    • Damn… I so wanted to make this joke.

      So… Drive Angry: Turn off the Dork
      Drive Angry: Jerk off, it's Dark
      Drive Angry: Speed 2
      Drive Angry: Run Far, Run Fast (what, are we driving or running?)

      Reply
  4. Forgot to include:

    Drive Angry: Drive Ang Lee

    Reply
  5. I haven't seen it…but I don't think I need to in order to have the knowledge that it probably sucks.

    However, if you can find a way to sell Hindenburg kites, I will definitely buy at least one. Because it is FULL OF AWESOME HORRIBLENESS.

    Reply
  6. "Fire is as crazy as hair gets" :) Thanks for making my day much better with 7 little words.

    Reply
  7. Drive Angry: Because Fox cancelled Drive.

    When I think of Nic Cage, I still think of "Moonstruck". He was awesomely manic and he and Cher were so great together.

    Reply
  8. Drive Angry: Because Fox cancelled Drive.

    When I think of Nic Cage, I still think of "Moonstruck". He was awesomely manic and he and Cher were so great together.

    Reply
  9. <shudder>. As a general rule, I don't care enough about most actors to hate them. Cage is, sadly, an exception.

    I could not watch all the way through "Ghost Rider." It was actually too bad for me to endure. You will understand the true depth of this statement more fully if I point out that I have, in fact, sat through the entirety of "Ankle Biters."

    Reply
  10. Drive Angry 2: Drive Angrier

    And I liked Cage in Face/Off. Towards the end he was basically playing an over-the-top version of HIMSELF.

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    • I second Face/Off, He's basically plays an insane caricature of "Nic". I was just looking over his IMDB and I found one I'd forgotten about, Bringing Out The Dead. An actually really good movie where he straddles the line between bat shits and Oscar.

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      • Eventually, I think his IMDB page will weigh down the entirety of teh interwebznet, and it will form the Singularity…which will look, talk, and act like Nic Cage.

        Reply
  11. Drive Angry: Tokyo Angry
    Drive Angry: Cars
    Drive Angry: Knight Rider 2099
    Drive Angry: Viper

    Reply
  12. I think I hate myself for even thinking of this… 2 Angry 2 Drive

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  13. I thought this college humor video explained Nicholas Cages ability to pick movies.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eExfV_xKaiM

    (slightly NSFW language near the end, but he's trying to make a point.)

    Reply
  14. I actually loved him in not one, but two movies: Raising Arizona and Wild At Heart, all the more so because after 20 years they've melted into one big bar of Raising Wild Arizona At Heart in my mind. No idea whether that counts as crazy Nic, talented Nic or both.

    (Edit: Yes, I know that by the power of Netflix, I have the power to watch one or both of them and maybe even separate them. But neither one of them is Hedwig or Big Lebowski, the only two movies ever made that I've seen more than once and would still like to see again. Well…. there is one more, but I'm not going to admit it here.)

    Reply
  15. Nic Cage wants me to Drive Angry, but Bill Murray told the groundhog to NEVER drive angry.

    Then again, Bill Murray spent Caddyshack trying to KILL a groundhog…

    Reply
  16. Just yesterday I was wondering why James Cameron hasn't tackled the Hindenburg as a titanic follow-up. I can only assume he was waiting for the advent of 3D to make it that much more disastery.

    Reply
    • Don't say that too loud he may hear you…..

      Reply
  17. The only trailers for Drive Angry that I saw on TV were so generic that I didn't know that it had anything to do with busting out of Hell until I looked it up in Wikipedia. Why did I look it up? Because the film seemed so mindlessly terrible and plotless that I needed to know more about it, to try and figure out why it got made. Then I discovered: NICOLAS CAGE BREAKS OUT OF HELL. TO DRIVE A FAST CAR. That was the only thing interesting about the movie, and they somehow managed to remove any hint of it whatsoever from the TV trailer, thus making a movie about: NICOLAS CAGE…DRIVES A FAST CAR. Oh, and needs to get some baby relation of his back, who has been kidnapped for some reason. Why did that generic, flaccid trailer even get made? What were they thinking? Why do I care? Why am I here? Incidentally, The Accountant is also the Colonel who made Bruce Willis SWEAR TO HIT THAT DEPTH in Armageddon. OK? OK.

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  18. Any sequel should include Val Kilmer as Mad Mazdagan.

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  19. Mad Max: Drive Angry.
    Mel Gibson and Nic Cage. Twice the Angry! Twice the Driving!

    Reply
  20. Argh! Next, I'd managed to forget Next. There's 90 minutes of my life that I'll never get back, and it wasn't even 90 minutes that existed…

    I got in to the Nic Cage is crap discussion before going to see Kick Ass without realising he was in it. I was very relieved when he turned out to be OK in it.

    Still, you want true Nic Cage badness, watch The Rock. But wait, that's a good film I hear you saying… With the commentary track on… "and so I said, hey we should have some Beatles here and the director said 'my, what a big head you've got' but I was all 'we should do this, and this and this and this and this and and and a…"

    Reply
  21. Drive Angry : The Next Angry Generation.

    I like Lord of War, but there's nothing crazy about it.

    The craziest Nic Cage is "Nic Cage with the voice of John Travolta" at the end of Face-Off. That's pure, unfiltered crazy. And who could ever forget his amazing performance as Rambo Jesus in Con Air ? He can prove you God exists… By punching people and getting shot in the arm ! Amen.

    Reply
  22. I love Lord of War. Cage is at his absolute best in morally-ambiguous, I-like-this-guy-but-he-seems-kinda-evil roles.

    Blood Drive Angry: Revenge of the Universal Donor

    Reply
  23. Drive Angry: Elin's Revenge

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  24. I'd just like to thank Wil for the dare, Joel for being more than up to the challenge, and all the commenters for all their Nic Cage stories and movie titles. I'm feeling like total crap today and I've just spent the last 10 mins laughing and feeling marginally better!

    Almost on topic, I found John Travolta to be almost completely unwatchable in Face/Off – to the point where it pretty much spoiled the movie for me. If it came down to a 'bad-act-off' between those 2 Travolta would be the worst every time.

    Reply
  25. Raising Arizona was a great movie where nic cage has crazy hair, not fire crazy but crazy all the same.

    Also

    Drive Angry: but No Texting.

    Drive Angry Birds: Pork Apocolypse

    Reply
    • You could drop a syllable from that one.

      Drive Angry Birds: Pork-ocolypse

      Reply
  26. I see all your witty titles and raise you Nic Cage's hairline!

    "Nic Cage's Hairline Operates a Motor Vehicle whilst Infuriated"

    Reply
  27. My friends made me go see Season of the Witch with them. The dialogue alone was enough to traumatize anyone. Let my sad tale be a warning.
    also…
    Drive Angry 2: The Re-Drivening

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  28. I feel pretty confident that this movie is actually just "Nic Cage's" auto-documentary.

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    • Also I meant "auto" like autobiography….not like cars. But I'm sticking with it because I'm a fan of terrible puns.

      Reply
  29. Drive 2 Angry: Driven Crazy

    Drive Angry 2: Back Outta Hell

    Reply
  30. This thread stuck with me…
    Nic Cage is back from Hell, this time he brought company. Nick Cage featuring Rick Astley and Tina Turner
    Drive Angry 2: Rick Rollin' on the River.

    Reply

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