Wheaton Comic Dare: Unwatchable At Any Speed

Team Edward [James Olmos] Shirts at Topatoco!

NEW HE PODCAST [episode 78] IS HERE! Hours of extra podcast are HERE for Vault Subscribers.

New Lo-FiJINKS comic posted late last night!

Driving back to Dallas from Austin today so colors and what not will be finished this evening.
UPDATE: Refresh as hard as you can to see the finished comic.

Wheaton threw down another comic dare challenge and, as always, I accepted. When will you learn not to step to these mad comicing skills, Wheaton? When? WHEEEEEAAAAATONNNNNNNN!

Having seen the trailer for Drive Angry 1: Too Driving Too Angry, I got the impression that Nic Cage escaped hell to rescue his daughter, who was the slutty blond played by Amber Heard that he was driving so very angry with. Then I got the distinct impression they wanted to have sex with each other. THEN I saw the full trailer and realized she was just some road cooz along for the ride. Whatever. This movie looks banana-tits insane.

COMMENTERS: What’s your favorite/least favorite crazy/sane Nic Cage performance and why? Also, please create subtitles for the inevitable sequels to Drive Angry: Drive Momma From The Train.

Thanks to @SpringHeeledJak for suggesting the Hindenburg kite.

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    • Damn… I so wanted to make this joke.

      So… Drive Angry: Turn off the Dork
      Drive Angry: Jerk off, it's Dark
      Drive Angry: Speed 2
      Drive Angry: Run Far, Run Fast (what, are we driving or running?)

  1. I haven't seen it…but I don't think I need to in order to have the knowledge that it probably sucks.

    However, if you can find a way to sell Hindenburg kites, I will definitely buy at least one. Because it is FULL OF AWESOME HORRIBLENESS.

  2. <shudder>. As a general rule, I don't care enough about most actors to hate them. Cage is, sadly, an exception.

    I could not watch all the way through "Ghost Rider." It was actually too bad for me to endure. You will understand the true depth of this statement more fully if I point out that I have, in fact, sat through the entirety of "Ankle Biters."

    • I second Face/Off, He's basically plays an insane caricature of "Nic". I was just looking over his IMDB and I found one I'd forgotten about, Bringing Out The Dead. An actually really good movie where he straddles the line between bat shits and Oscar.

      • Eventually, I think his IMDB page will weigh down the entirety of teh interwebznet, and it will form the Singularity…which will look, talk, and act like Nic Cage.

  3. I actually loved him in not one, but two movies: Raising Arizona and Wild At Heart, all the more so because after 20 years they've melted into one big bar of Raising Wild Arizona At Heart in my mind. No idea whether that counts as crazy Nic, talented Nic or both.

    (Edit: Yes, I know that by the power of Netflix, I have the power to watch one or both of them and maybe even separate them. But neither one of them is Hedwig or Big Lebowski, the only two movies ever made that I've seen more than once and would still like to see again. Well…. there is one more, but I'm not going to admit it here.)

  4. Nic Cage wants me to Drive Angry, but Bill Murray told the groundhog to NEVER drive angry.

    Then again, Bill Murray spent Caddyshack trying to KILL a groundhog…

  5. Just yesterday I was wondering why James Cameron hasn't tackled the Hindenburg as a titanic follow-up. I can only assume he was waiting for the advent of 3D to make it that much more disastery.

  6. The only trailers for Drive Angry that I saw on TV were so generic that I didn't know that it had anything to do with busting out of Hell until I looked it up in Wikipedia. Why did I look it up? Because the film seemed so mindlessly terrible and plotless that I needed to know more about it, to try and figure out why it got made. Then I discovered: NICOLAS CAGE BREAKS OUT OF HELL. TO DRIVE A FAST CAR. That was the only thing interesting about the movie, and they somehow managed to remove any hint of it whatsoever from the TV trailer, thus making a movie about: NICOLAS CAGE…DRIVES A FAST CAR. Oh, and needs to get some baby relation of his back, who has been kidnapped for some reason. Why did that generic, flaccid trailer even get made? What were they thinking? Why do I care? Why am I here? Incidentally, The Accountant is also the Colonel who made Bruce Willis SWEAR TO HIT THAT DEPTH in Armageddon. OK? OK.

  7. Argh! Next, I'd managed to forget Next. There's 90 minutes of my life that I'll never get back, and it wasn't even 90 minutes that existed…

    I got in to the Nic Cage is crap discussion before going to see Kick Ass without realising he was in it. I was very relieved when he turned out to be OK in it.

    Still, you want true Nic Cage badness, watch The Rock. But wait, that's a good film I hear you saying… With the commentary track on… "and so I said, hey we should have some Beatles here and the director said 'my, what a big head you've got' but I was all 'we should do this, and this and this and this and this and and and a…"

  8. Drive Angry : The Next Angry Generation.

    I like Lord of War, but there's nothing crazy about it.

    The craziest Nic Cage is "Nic Cage with the voice of John Travolta" at the end of Face-Off. That's pure, unfiltered crazy. And who could ever forget his amazing performance as Rambo Jesus in Con Air ? He can prove you God exists… By punching people and getting shot in the arm ! Amen.

  9. I love Lord of War. Cage is at his absolute best in morally-ambiguous, I-like-this-guy-but-he-seems-kinda-evil roles.

    Blood Drive Angry: Revenge of the Universal Donor

  10. I'd just like to thank Wil for the dare, Joel for being more than up to the challenge, and all the commenters for all their Nic Cage stories and movie titles. I'm feeling like total crap today and I've just spent the last 10 mins laughing and feeling marginally better!

    Almost on topic, I found John Travolta to be almost completely unwatchable in Face/Off – to the point where it pretty much spoiled the movie for me. If it came down to a 'bad-act-off' between those 2 Travolta would be the worst every time.

  11. Raising Arizona was a great movie where nic cage has crazy hair, not fire crazy but crazy all the same.


    Drive Angry: but No Texting.

    Drive Angry Birds: Pork Apocolypse

    • Also I meant "auto" like autobiography….not like cars. But I'm sticking with it because I'm a fan of terrible puns.

  12. This thread stuck with me…
    Nic Cage is back from Hell, this time he brought company. Nick Cage featuring Rick Astley and Tina Turner
    Drive Angry 2: Rick Rollin' on the River.

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