Culturally Biased

Team Edward [James Olmos] Shirts at Topatoco!

NEW HE PODCAST [episode 78] IS HERE! Hours of extra podcast are HERE for Vault Subscribers.

Check out my good friend Tom Brislin’s video-song cover of Joe Jackson’s “Steppin’ Out.” HE Podcast listeners will know Tom as the man behind our theme song and interstitial music.

UPDATE:

COMMENTERS: Give me some more categories and questions that would give Watson’s filthy human opponents an unfair advantage. Or give me some that he would dominate at.

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53 Comments

  1. This contest can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

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  2. Jeopardy category: Sarcastic Statements

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  3. More Topics Watson Couldn't Deal With:

    WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH (what is it about airplane meals?)

    HOW STAR TREK TECH WORKS (Tachyons!)

    LADY GAGA

    EVERYTHING APPLE (just because an IBM machine would HATE that)

    GLENN BECK ARGUMENTS (Foxnews melts logic curcuits!)

    and don't forget the Jeopardy classic:
    POTENT POTABLES AND THINGS YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

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    • That last category was the perfect punch to the rest of these great categories. Kudos to you, sir, for this, your latest victory in the humor of cyberculture.

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    • Back in the PPC days, there were more IBM chips in an Apple than in a Thinkpad. Just saying. Now that they're our of the laptop and desktop business, IBM probably doesn't care.

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  4. lol

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  5. I'm guessing it's harder to draw Trebek when he can't be represented by his giant mustache.

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  6. To make it more challenging, tomorrow his competitors will be Sarek and Data. Oh the comedy never stops on Jeopardy!

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  7. More topics for Watson:

    "Dealing with Pimples"

    "Prom night traditions"

    "Care and maintenance of your immortal soul"

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  8. +1 HAL 9000 reference.

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    • -1 HAL 9000 reference; it was a bit amusing the first time, but now has been done to death.

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      • -1 for being a negative douchebag. If you don't enjoy it, keep your shitty comments to yourself.

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  9. THE JERSEY SHORE CAST

    THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COKE AND PEPSI

    FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON ANATOMY

    CORPORATE DECISION MAKING

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  10. BINARY NUMBERS

    NAME THE PI DECIMAL

    HOW MANY "THEs' IN SHAKESPEARE

    FAMOUS COMPUTERS

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  11. FASHION POLICE

    KLAUS NOMI'S EARLY YEARS

    I BELIEVE I CAN FLY

    ROCKY HORROR MOUNTAIN OH HAI

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  12. PROPER TORTOISE CARE IN UNNAMED DESERTS
    THEATER WIDE GLOBALTHERMONUCLEAR WAR
    ARE YOU SARAH CONNER?

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  13. Corporate ethics and Bioethics

    Stoner humor, or just silly?

    Euphemisms and Idioms

    Poetry and metaphors

    Flavor pairings

    Is this offensive, just good drama, or both?

    Should you open the pod bay doors?

    Unsolvable logic paradoxes and recursive loops

    Does green really look the same to everyone?

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  14. Also: I know you drew this about real Jeopardy and all, but I could only hear Will Farrell AS Trebek reading all these topics. I'm not sure I actually remember what Trebek actually sounds like, anymore. Or Janet Reno.

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    • Thanks for the compliment earlier, but, no, Alex Trebec does NOT sound like Janet Reno. In fact, he sounds so much like Joe Biden they may be the same person, which would mean HE isn't American born. Ironic, eh?

      more Watson-unfriendly topics:
      HOMEOPATHY
      EASTER BUNNY PHYSIOLOGY
      MAGNETS AS SEEN BY JUGGALOS (maybe my cheapest shot?)
      A FEW MINUTES WITH ANDY ROONEY

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  15. Things a computer would never say.

    Flowers by scent

    The psychology of college freshmen

    Match the dance (Contestant must dance the correct answer)

    Buddhist Koens

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  16. and…
    MOVIE SCENES THAT MAKE YOU CRY
    TEMPORAL PARADOXES IN DOCTOR WHO
    POTATO CHIP FLAVORS
    EGYPTIAN PYRAMID BUILDING
    WHY THE OTHER LINE ALWAYS GOES FASTER

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  17. OPTICAL ILLUSIONS AND THEIR ARTISTS
    M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN MOVIES (AND OTHER THINGS UNFIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION)
    OEDIPUS COMPLEXES
    HOW TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

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    • HOW TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD ?
      Not sure if that would be a difficult subject for a computer, but it would be ve-e-r-r-y-y interesting to find out. (Not to mention how well the Human Jeopardy Nerds would do. I've heard Ken Jennings is privy to a Secret Mormon Plan but it suffered a major setback when Elton John got married.)

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      • Yeah I guess I should admit the How to Take Over the World is probably something a computer would automatically get right…

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  18. Cops, the most annoying fleshy ones of all!

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  19. It's the longest IBM commercial I've voluntarily watched.

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  20. Rorhschach Tests
    Riddles
    (Complete the) Knock Knock Jokes
    Can You Smell What the Rock is Cookin'?

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  21. Spot the Hexadecimal Error
    Military Network Vulnerabilities
    Torsion Breaking-points of Human Limbs
    Asimov's Loopholes
    Famous Collaborators
    Fallen Empires
    Extinct Species
    All Your Base Are Belong to …?

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  22. HK-47 would make a far more amusing contestant. In place of a buzzer he has a blaster rifle.

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  23. BEST…. EVER…. thank you, you saved my faith in humanity :)

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  24. amiprimeornot.com

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  25. Life events tinged with regret.
    What do sad songs say so much about?
    Mormon underwear (might as well throw Ken a bone).

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    • "Life events tinged with regret. "

      Perfect.

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      • Just riffing off of a great strip.

        I also have the feeling Watson would do a terrible job with metaphor…

        "I'll take 'TEMBA, HIS ARMS OPEN" for 200, Alex."

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  26. Watson: I'll take 'Math problems not in Base10 (Decimal)' for 2000, Alex.

    For the pro-computer category. Just imagine Jennings or Rutter trying problems like:
    Octal (Base8) 23731 x 320 =
    Binary (Base2) 1011101 + 10111101 x 110 =
    Hex (Base16) 23A4E + D45F =

    The computer could crank these out in stand-by mode, while I doubt the human players could figure it out in their head (much less the short time Jeopardy allows). Although, now that I think about it, the Binary would be pretty easy. OK, forget the binary example!

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  27. Forgot to mention, this made me laugh hard when I first read it.
    "OH, THIS IS F***ING BULLS**T" Just absolutely perfect.

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  28. I thought it was hilarious in the first episode of the "battle" when Trebek was explaining Watson to us. He looked like he had no effin' clue what he saying. Loved it!

    RACIST MEDIA – I imagine a computer would have a difficult time tackling racism
    PRESIDENTIAL BLUNDERS – would a computer understand what a blunder is, and would he get the appropriate synonym wrong to match what Bush actually said?
    "S" WORDS – just because I love the SNL bit… It's not Swords! It's S Words!

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    • personally, I'll always prefer the "Anal Bum Cover" category

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  29. Joel: I have been worried lately that I'm stuck in a computer simulation of my own design. Now that I know it's actually YOUR brain I'm stuck in, I am even more terrified.

    This is not over!

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    • Take the purple pill.

      For persistent acid reflux.

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      • "Anything you put in my mouth, you're going to lose."

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  30. Pro-Watson Catagory: "The Will of the One True God."

    Anti-Watson Catagory: "Non-Networked Computers"

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  31. “When a Woman says this, what she really means is…“ – This category is likely difficult for all 3 contestants
    “Things you do When you`re High“ – `ditto`

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  32. Pro-Watson:
    The Nine Billion Names of God
    R2-D2 Quotes
    Name that Bob Dylan Lyric
    Post-Apocalypse "Is it safe?"

    Anti-Watson:
    Samuel Becket Theatrical Imagery
    "Soft"ware

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  33. Tough questions for Watson:
    What makes something ironic?
    Music, why do we love it so much?
    Why IS Mona Lisa smiling?
    and of course;
    All the many types of hugs and their subtle messages

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    • Oh! Come on! Mona Lisa is smiling because Da Vinci did his painting naked. I thought that was common knowledge.

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  34. I still can't get used to Alex Trebek without a stashe….its too weird…

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  35. Yes, they agreed to have no audible or visual clues; applying the same rules they use when a deaf or blind person is a contestant (in this case, both).

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  36. Hey, thanks for the Tom Brislins link… quite enjoyed it, and because of that I've discovered Pomplamoose! :-)

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  37. What? No "Anal Bum Covers", "The Rapists" or "Jap Anus Relations" categories?

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  38. "Does this taste funny?"

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