The Objectification Of My Affection

This biggest difference in the typical straight dude’s celebrity crush and Josh’s is that Josh will likely have sex with this dude before he dies and Kiera Knightly wouldn’t noticed if you jumped on a hundred grenades made of poison dicks to save her.

AUSTIN, TX FANCY BASTARDS! Dragon’s Lair Webcomic Rampage is less than a month away! Details HERE!

I’m working on a new HE Store, that will live HERE when it is done. I’ll be offering new products that I’ve never offered before and I’m pretty excited about it.

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Dalek earrings my wife made! They’re in her Etsy store and ready to EXTERMINATE your… lack of perfect ear jewelry?

dalek earrings etsy science and fiction

Avert Your Eyes

True story. Two true stories, actually, and both come from this year’s Calgary Expo. I did see John Barrowman  (Doctor Who, Arrow, the concept of human beauty, etc) at the Calgary Airport, and I DID lose one of my senses. It wasn’t my sight, however. Instead I lost the power to make words come out of my face in an order and at a cadence or volume that another human being could interpret as speech. I said something like, “Mr. Barrowmaaaghhhh I GLAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHBBZZZZZZZZhurflhurfldurfl.” I’m sure he’s had enough practice at this point to know exactly what I meant. Something along the lines of, “You’re a neat guy who I like to see on my tv. Good job. Also, very pretty. Good that too.” Even with a month of reflection I still can’t make it eloquent.

The other true part of this story is the eclipse box part, which is the advice I gave to Wil when he was struck dumb by the fact that Lena Headey kept talking to him… ON PURPOSE, and putting her hands on his shoulders… ON PURPOSE and not throwing fire at his face… ON PURPOSE! She’s a very talented and very pretty lady, is the point we were examining.

PHOENIX COMICON BOOTH LOCATION CHANGE!!!

David and I will be at booth 243, NOT 1749 and NOT by the LEGOs. Come in the main entrance, hang a left and head to the back corner.

COME SEE ME AND DAVID IN PHOENIX, APRIL 23-26! BOOTH 1749 way in the back by the LEGOs! BOOTH 243! More details HERE

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COMMENTERS: Have you ever had a chance encounter with a celebrity or someone you admired? Did you manage to make face words sound good?

Comments (37)

Alexander Burns's avatar - Go to profile

Alexander Burns· 106 weeks ago

I met Summer Glau and was totally stunned by her gorgeous, gorgeous brown eyes. 

The big one, though, was I ran into James Hong (Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China, Old Asian Guy in every other movie that needs an old Asian guy) while visiting friends in LA. I had ignored celebrity sightings prior to that, but him I totally geeked out on and had to go talk to. He was awesome and got his wife (I assume) to take our picture.
Dave's avatar

Dave· 106 weeks ago

I grew up outside of LA and live in San Diego. Years of exposure, Comic Con, and folks like you who are both insanely gracious with their time and very real normal people in person have robbed me of being excited by being in the same room with movie stars and such. 

There are many folks like you who are who they are in the middle of the public. There are others who, when surrounded by fans, slip into actor-mode and resume playing a character. This isn’t a criticism of them, I can see the necessity. You do it to protect your privacy and core self… whether you realize it or not. But folks like you, Wil Wheaton, Felicia Day, Chris Hardwick who simply can’t help but be who they are (Or are even better at tricking me than the other guys) and the difference can be jarring but also normalizing. 

I realized just how numb I had become when I was in line for a concert and a few band members were outside catching a smoke before the show. The drummer and the basist I believe… folks less immediately recognizable than some of the others. It took a moment for the crowd to realize who these folks were but once they did there was a line of giddy people excited to get their pictures taken and such. I didn’t get it. He’s just a dude. 

BUT I’m not completely immune. For some reason professional athletes still surprise me. Poor Troy Polamalu and Paul Kariya never saw me coming =/ Also Mr. T. But C’mon. that’s Mr. T. I bet Momma Mr. T gets tongue tied when he comes to visit.
HikingViking's avatar

HikingViking· 106 weeks ago

At this point I actively avoid celebrities because, well mostly because nearly all of my celebrity encounters are similar to yours was with the Face-of-Beau. I think the last celebrity encounter I had was at the Emerald City Comicon. I stalked this artist’s booth, waited for his line to die down, and then went and nervously asked for a sketch of the majestic trash whale. The artist managed to understand my mumbling and did a fantastic sketch. The whole time I thought about saying something like “Your comic is seriously one of the highlights of my day”, or, “How are you so spot on with your assessments of geek culture?” But instead I just thanked him for the sketch and shuffled away. Damn celebrities!
Leah's avatar

Leah· 106 weeks ago

This is one of my favorite Hijinks Ensue comics ever. So much good stuff in every panel.
Ceri's avatar

Ceri· 106 weeks ago

Meeting famous people makes me sweat profusely and say aweful condecending things that I REALLY DON’T MEAN. My mouth seems to uncouple from my brain in these moments. Neil Gaiman and John Green have had to suffer from this (I geek out over authors the most).
Hypersapien's avatar

Hypersapien· 106 weeks ago

Wasn’t it Max Headroom?
Puja's avatar

Puja· 106 weeks ago

Once served Anthony Stewart Head when I used to work in PC World. I made the conscious decision that any attempt at non-computer-based conversation would result in me incoherently fanboying at him and embarrassing both him and me. So I very calmly put what he wanted to buy through the till and spoke no more words to him than to any other client. 

Once he had safely left the store, I was able to go out back to the staffroom and hyperventilate. 

Puja
Nakari's avatar

Nakari· 106 weeks ago

I once, on a vacation, bumped into Stephen King. I ended up standing there, glassy eyed, trying to even say “Hello”. I think what ended up coming out was something like “HIILOVEYOURBOOKSYOU’RETHEREASONIAMTRYINGTOBECOMEAPUBLISHEDAUTHORIWANTTOHUGYOU!”…

Actually not a bad guy. He laughed and told me good luck with my writing, and gave me a little advice to the tune of: “You’re going to hate your early work, then look at your new work, and love your early work again. It’s a cycle”. I proceeded to have my brain leak out my ear, and forgot how to speak for a week afterwards.
Liam's avatar

Liam· 106 weeks ago

Almost saw Bill Murray here in Charleston. I was told that he was at the bakery next to the library that I work at but the bakery had just closed and I didn’t want to go over there just to see Bill Murray I wanted to treat it as something casual. “Oh I’m just in here to buy a cup of coffee and look it’s famed actor Bill Murray.” I could also see Stephen Colbert since he comes down here often.
I think it was in 2011 that I decided to spend much of my Fan Expo days in line for autographs. I was able to meet Kevin Sorbo, Tom Felton and William Shatner to name a few. Kevin Sorbo was by far the greatest person to meet, he even knew of the Scottish Festival our town holds every year, which was pretty cool. Even Tom Felton was great and awesome to communicate with. 

I don’t think i’ve ever met a celebrity i’ve gone absolutely crazy over, but i’ve never really hero-worshiped any in my lifetime either. They are actors and their job is to entertain us, to that i’m grateful, but they are still people like you and me. (So i keep my bubbly giggles to myself and squeal after i’m out of earshot of them)
I’ve met celebrities, actors, directors, writers, politicians, and I’ve never had a problem making conversation or talking like a human person, except once: Terry Pratchett. I went completely blank. He couldn’t have been nicer or more patient, and by the time I went through his line the third time (I had a lot of books with me) I was nearly approximating actual speech.

1  · active 106 weeks ago

OMFG – If I had met Terry Pratchett, I would probably break down and cry. I mean, I love Joss and would have a hard time being coherent if I met him, but Pratchett is like a god to me.
missmushu's avatar

missmushu· 106 weeks ago

As I work in a major international airport, I routinely see celebrities big and small at both their best and their worst. 

The worst in my personal experience has to be Richard Dean Anderson. He used to pass through town regularly (on the ass end of a drunkening) and frequently made a complete fool of himself. 

My all-time favourite traveller is Mark Sheppard (of Firefly, BSG, Supernatural etc.). I’ve dealt with him several times now and he is always polite and patient and gracious and he has the dreamiest voice! I always try to keep my cartoon hearts to myself because I have a very serious job to do but my co-workers have noted that my eyelashes work overtime whenever he comes through. I can’t resist.
Ali's avatar

Ali· 106 weeks ago

Not a chance encounter, but at the height of my obsession with a certain band, their guitarist played a gig with his side project band at a venue whose owner happened to be friends with my dad. I went into the green room to say hi and was a bit of a blushing idiot. He signed my band sweatshirt though and after the show he gave me a hug and said he’d seen me singing along and was glad I enjoyed the show. Squee.
amerikanuak's avatar

amerikanuak· 106 weeks ago

Yeah, I met Alton Brown. He was waiting in the wings to go and be introduced. All I could think to say was, “Who cut your hair, man?” a la Sgt. Stadanko (Cheech and Chong). He responded, “Who cut yours?”. I think there was some sort of tie in with one of the episodes of his show, Good Eats, but I don’t remember exactly.
I was listening (from Germany) to a radio-show David Tennant was in. It was very early and I had done a nightshift and I was alone in the office. So I wrote a mail into the studio, when they were searching for a few people from different countries for a conference-call with Mr. Tennant. AND THEY CALLED ME! So I had to try to talk to David Tennant on the phone – on air! – without making a fool out of myself 🙂 I told him, that he had whispered into my ears all night – because I had listened to one of his audiobooks during work 😀 It was fun and I was a nervous wreck the whole day afterwards 😀
Everything about this comic and what was said about how “sentences” come out while speaking directly to a celebrity in the description are accurately me. I have experienced this lack of being able to form words in front of James Cromwell, Joely Fisher, Olympia Dukakis, Adam Baldwin, Felicia Day, Kevin Spacey, and even Tony Danza, and Robert Sean Leonard. Heck, I couldn’t even talk when I met comedians like Bill Engvall or Jeff Foxworthy. *sigh* 

Shockingly ,despite my viewing them in near god-like ways, the few people I’ve been able to talk to are all from the Whedon “verse”. I was able to form nearly a complete sentence when I met Nathan Fillion and a few sentences when I met Joss Whedon and gave them each the Dr. Horrible/Captain Hammer figures I’d made for them. Though, I couldn’t tell you what I said, but my friends told me I was totally able to talk. 

My only real celebrity win was totally chatting with Maurissa Tancharoen, Jed Whedon, and David Fury at an SDCC party back in 2010. There was talking, tweeting, and picture taking. Massively impressive for me. 

Of course, now I also want to bring a pinhole box to SDCC this year.
Dean's avatar

Dean· 106 weeks ago

One time I walked into my local comic book store and Neil Gaiman was there, talking aboutBeowulf. He’s much shorter than you’d expect. 

I could barely even look directly at him.

1  · active 106 weeks ago

Candace's avatar

Candace· 106 weeks ago

I met Howard Jones after a concert once when he was doing autographs, and was surprised to find myself looking directly into his face. (I’m only 5’1″, so he can’t be taller than 5’3″). I believe I managed to form at least one complete sentence and not make a total fool out of myself. He was really nice.
Candace's avatar

Candace· 106 weeks ago

Also, awesome comic, Joel! And yeah, Barrowman is dreamy. I’m fairly sure I would have done no better.
In 2008 I ran into John Kerry in the French Quarter here in New Orleans. I was very drunk and in a hurry to catch the last streetcar. What comes out of my mouth? “I’m sorry you lost, man. I totally voted for you.” 

Goddammit.

1  · active 106 weeks ago

Christ. 2005 I meant. I can typing.
lou's avatar

lou· 106 weeks ago

At WonderCon 2011, their last appearance in San Francisco for the foreseeable future, I moseyed around the DC booth and, despite not getting an autograph from Grant Morrison in one of the books he wrote, I got them from Judd Winnick, Geoffe Johns, Marv Wolfman, and Paul Levitz. Funny thing was, I was supposed to get Johns to autograph my friend’s Hardcover of Green Lantern: Rebirth, but I didn’t know which booth he was working at that weekend. But I got the book the next day, suckered up to Levitz by saying we like his Legion of Superheroes work (since he’d credited as Publisher when GL:R was made), and got him too sign it.
Scruff's avatar

Scruff· 106 weeks ago

I was at a developer conference for Apple some years back, I hung around in the auditorium after the presentation to write some notes on my laptop. Munhead was buried in my work when I hear a ‘hi, what did you think of the presentation?” – looked up and it was Steve Jobs. I said ‘Gurkkhdhhu’. He turned and walked away.
I bought a super fancy pass for the last con I went to and it included tickets for the after party. Which, silly me, I thought was just for the pass holders. 

I realised my mistake when a hand dropped on my shoulder while I was at the bar and it was David Hasselhoff trying to get passed me. I stepped aside to another con goer to freak out only to be face to face (or chin to eyes with) Eliza Dushku. Turns out the party was just for the 40 of with us with fancy bastard tickets and all the celebrity guests. 

Highlights of that night included chatting over cocktails with Alex Kingston (who is the most amazing woman I have ever met), and bumming a smoke off Tonks which Atreyu (FALCOR!) then lit. 

After 5 minutes speaking with Alex (ohmygod thisisriversong you’retotallytalkingtoMrstheDoctor) I got so nervous I had to run to the toilets and vomit. Not my finest hour, but certainly my favourite night involving celebrities.

1  · active 106 weeks ago

Wow. That is the story. You totally win this one. I LOVE Alex Kingston, she does seem awesome! And Tonks and Atreyu? My childhood and adulthood collide! <3
Gordon's avatar

Gordon· 106 weeks ago

I met Darth Vader in a target in the early 80’s. apparently they used to do promo shit like that back then. My little kid self shook his hand whilst terrified and said nice to meet you. As we’re getting our picture taken I told my step Mom “That hand didn’t stop Han Solo’s blaster!” It was close to becoming like that scene in the movie Elf when “Santa” visits the toy store.. Good times.
Koan the Barbarian's avatar

Koan the Barbarian· 106 weeks ago

I worked as a security guard at a TV studio and saw a few Celebrities of my local area going in and out and once or twice an international comedian and for the most part I was articulate and polite. 

One time though… I was working weird hours that didn’t give me much chance to sleep so at about 6 in the morning on about two hours worth of sleep I let into the building the two hosts of a national show that reviews video games. To this day I have no idea why I did what I did next but I will forever remember bellowing out the name of the show at the top of my voice. 

To their credit, they took it in stride.
Chaucer59's avatar

Chaucer59· 99 weeks ago

Ursula K Le Guin, twenty years ago at a small get together of graduate students. Charming lady. Signed my dog-eared old SF Book Club copy of The Wind’s Twelve Quarters.
I was at the state fair once in Arizona, (not) coincidentally the day that Weezer would be playing a show there. My wife and I were walking through the food booths looking for a (fried) bite to eat, and drummer Pat came walking the other direction. 
My eyes went wide and followed him as he walked past. My head turned a complete 180 degrees as he passed, snapping my neck and killing me instantly. 
Okay, not really, I went up and got a photo with him.
Baskerville 's avatar

Baskerville· 31 weeks ago

Got a picture taken with Barrowman and Doctors 5,6,7,8 in the same day. Managed to stutter out “Hello you guys are awesome thank you for doing the TV thing” or something along those lines. Then again, they did hug me. Incoherence is expected.

Method Man

Emerald City ComiCon 2013

Emerald City Comicon is THIS WEEKEND in Seattle. It is my favorite show of the year and I will be at the Blind Ferret Booth (#1106-1108) all weekend. Check out the new mini-banner/ price sheet I made for ECCC on my Tumblr.

I will have a lot of the stuff pictured in the ad below with me at the con, but what I really want is for YOU to have it. In return I want to have your dollars.

OK, I know this is crazy bonkers banana sauce, but hear me out Hollywood. How about for the next Oscars you hire a professional entertainer to host? Maybe someone who is used to being on stage in front of a lot of people. Maybe someone who doesn’t come off like he is reading his bad jokes for the very first time in front of 100 million people. Maybe, oh I dunno, a comedian? Or a seasoned veteran of the stage? Someone who isn’t constantly shouting, “I REALLY DON’T BELONG UP HERE!!!” with his eyebrows. The 2013 Oscars were a crap stabbing train wreck. Perhaps not quite as train wrecky has last years “Which host has greater contempt for the other?” contest, but the train was thoroughly and irrefutably wrecked.

Seth MacFarlane has a fantastic voice, and he’s managed to become the highest paid comedy writer in history (despite having relied on the same 7 jokes for the last 15 years), but Oscar host is a job he is in no way qualified for. His subpar hosting performance could have been saved by some top notch writing, but they seem to have gone instead with NO writing. I found myself staring at nearly every bit and bit of banter with the face I usually reserve for Five Gum commercials. A sort sideway eye-SQUONK that says, “I know what all of these things are individually, but when you put them together in this way, I suffer complete cognitive disconnect from whatever emotions you may have intended to evoke, or message you were attempting to relay.” Did anyone have any idea what the dudes from The Avengers were talking about? If the real Avengers were that unrehearsed and disorganized, you know who would be hosting the Oscars? MOTHER FUCKING THANOS. That’s who.

When Daniel Day-Lewis took the stage to accept his Best Actor Award (which at this point really shouldn’t be applied to any particular film since he is just THE. BEST. ACTOR.) he seemed to either have rehearsed his jokes so much that they seemed completely off the cuff and hilariously perfect or HE’S JUST THAT GOD DAMN WONDERFUL. My vote is for the latter. I was really hoping D-Day-Lew would have just decked MacFarlane right in the beady black shark eyes and, as his foe lay gobsmacked on the floor, let out a John Lovitz-esque, “ACTING!”

COMMENTERS: Speaking of method acting, or The Method, as purveyors of douchebaggery might call it, have you ever kept up a falsehood for so long that it eventually became true? For instance, did you ever pretend to like something (say to impress a potential partner) that you eventually really liked it, or at least knew so much about it that you were nearly an expert?

At my last real job, one of the requirements during the interview was than I be proficient in Photoshop (a particular proficiency that I totally lacked, despite what my resume might have said). I had to fake it nearly every day with tricks like the “I know how I would do it, but how would YOU do it?” technique or the “Yeah, I can do that [QUICK GO WATCH A TUTORIAL ON YOUTUBE]” process. I did this so much so  that I did eventually become somewhat of a Photoshop expert. Now it’s the main medium I work in for my comic-maker job.

Outward Bound

CRUISE FUNDRAISER UPDATE: 98/100 prints are sold!  Only 2 prints remain! I am expecting delivery of the prints any day now and they’ll start shipping as soon as they arrive.

I made a new eBook/iBook! It’s called “Sorry I Ruined Your Book Vol. 1” and it has over 180 pages of HE book 1 preorder/artist edition sketches with commentary on every drawing! Donation subscribers get it free and it’s also available to anyone for a one time “pay what you like” donation.

hijinks-ensue-sorry-i-ruined-your-book-vol-1-cover

[Context for the Nell reference, if you need it]

Jodie Foster’s public coming out may have been unnecessary at this point, but it was certainly a grand gesture. “On the stage of the Golden Globes, accepting a lifetime achievement award for “An especially good job at being one of America’s favorite and most enduring movie stars for the last 40 years or so” is a pretty impressive answer to the question, “When and where did you come out?” If you watch the speech, it’s very odd that the audio drops out just as she says something along the lines of “…this isn’t going to be a big coming out speech…” I wonder if the network got antsy and considering muting her or if it really was just a poorly timed audio mishap.

Her speech may have been an odd, stream of consciousness (albeit joyous and life affirming) ramble-fest, but anyone reporting confusion as to whether or not she publicly affirmed her sexuality or not just weren’t paying attention at all. She spelled it right out and did so with confidence and class.

I’m anxious for the day when a well known woman can get on a stage, talk about her achievements and thank her wife (or ex-wife in this case) for her support without first having to ADMIT to her sexuality. When I (a straight, white man – the lowest difficulty setting) get up in front of strangers I don’t in any way feel compelled or obligated to discuss my sexuality. I don’t feel nervous that they are assuming thing about who and how I love. And if I said “…and my wife was there,” no one would blink an eye. Actually, someone might think, “Oh, he’s married. I didn’t know that.” Which is exactly how the thought process should work when Jodie Foster starts talking about her kids and casually mentions the woman she is raising them with. “I’ve got new information and the sexy details are none of my business.”

I wasn’t really planning on writing a mini-rant this morning, but this is something I think about a lot. Primarily because, while INCREDIBLY close to the the real life truth, panel 3 up there in that comic conceals a lie. When Josh actually came out to me via instant message all those years ago, I was SUPER freaked out. Not because he was gay, but because I didn’t KNOW he was gay. We had been friends for years and I just thought he was terrible with girls. When I received the new information, I made the erroneous and selfish determination that he had been lying to me for our entire friendship. EHHHHNNN! Wrong. The truth, which I understood much later, was that our friendship had not yet progressed to the point that he was comfortable discussing sexuality with me.

I realized what a dick I had been when I started to think about all of my other straight friends who NEVER talked to me about who they desired bang times with or in what ways they wished for said banging to bang. People are not obligated to reveal their sexual details with anyone. The only reason gay people are even expected to “come out” is that we (even the most enlightened of us) still consider straight to the the baseline and gay to be the aberration  “I will assume you are straight unless you otherwise inform me,” is the most common attitude when it should be, “You seem to have brown hair and like to wear ironic t-shirts. If I want to know anything else, I’ll have to get to know you better.

Om Nom Noms

Geeky t-shirts by me and Wil Wheaton at Sharksplode.com! Woohoo! 

Don’t miss the new HijiNKS comic I uploaded yesterday all about J.J. Abrams, Star Trek and SEEEEECRAAAAATS.

I have almost seen Lincoln twice. Both times I have realized that it was nearly three hours long and opted to either see something else or stay home and get something from Redbox. I just don’t like being in the theater that long unless I’m nearly guaranteed to love the movie. Daniel Day Lewis is my favorite actor, but that isn’t saying much. Admitting that the person who is the best at a thing in all the world is your favorite person who does that particular thing doesn’t take that much conviction or depth of character. That’s like saying Batman is my favorite vigilante crime fighter or Louis C.K. is my favorite stand up.

I did, however, see The Master. I have never seen another movie with two such fantastically talented actors delivering two such compelling and nuanced performances that I hated quite so much as I hated The Master. The biggest problem with The Master is I got it. I absolutely understand what the movie was trying to accomplish and how I was supposed to feel while watching it. I know what the intended take away was, what the director was trying to say about the human condition, the way we relate to others, the way we cling to each other while simultaneously driving each other away, loneliness  compulsion, dishonesty with one’s self vs. dishonesty with others, the power of the dynamic orator over the weak minded, I TOTALLY GOT ALL OF IT. I just so happened to have abhorred the experience of actually watching it. It’s like a really expensive bad meal at the finest restaurant in town. You know what you’re eating is classy and sophisticated and a lot of thought and effort was put into it, and even though you can detect the subtle complexities of the interplay between the flavors it just tastes like a a shoe full of shit.

The Master’s biggest problem is the story of Hoffman’s L. Ron Hubbardesque author and his burgeoning cult is quite fascinating. So, obviously, the movie basically ignores all of that and uses it as a backdrop to tell the story… no there’s no actual story… to SHOW YOU SOME STUFF FOR A BIT about Phoenix’s listless, alcoholic, sex crazed dimwitted, violent drifter. Even by my description, he sounds pretty fascinating. Trust me. He isn’t. There are no less than three scenes in the film where Hoffman’s character uses Scientol… THE CAUSE to infuriate Phoenix into a state of highly suggestible mental pliability from which he can be brainwashed. Since these scenes (one where Phoenix is forced to walk from one end of a room to the other with his eyes closed at least 40 times) take up roughly 30 minutes of the nearly three hour movie. It is excruciating. Just watching a man get more and more frustrated with his antagonist in real time is not my idea of an enjoyable time at the movies or a good way to spend $18. But they both totally deserve an Oscar. No question. Great performances. Terrible movie.

COMMENTERS: Do you have any Oscar predictions?  Have YOU ever seen a film where an actor’s performance was enthralling, captivating and through provoking, but you still hated the movie?

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