Tom Cruise is terrifyingly insane

Tom Cruise is a super hero from outer space with unlimited cosmic power. The only downside is that he serves a dark master bent on devouring the world and extinguishing all life… is Tom Cruise the Silver Surfer?

My hatred of Tom Cruise courses black through my veins like crude oil. It poisons my soul and robs it of all joy. I will never take him seriously as an actor or a human being because he bases his entire life philosophy on the idea that a galactic despot brainwashed, then h-bombed billions of aliens inside of volcanoes trillions of year ago and now they are stuck in our bodies and that’s why we get depressed some times.

I loved the “Scientology Indoctrination video” that’s been showing up online this week (and Jerry O’Connell’s response). I love it for the fact that it shows beyond a shadow of a doubt what a smarmy, shallow, “glib,” mind-fucked little shit Tom Cruise actually is. I especially LOVE that he claims to have helped people after 9/11, despite really doing the opposite. And I LOVE LOVE that he says being a Scientologist somehow grants you the wherewithal and physical strength to be “the only one that can help” when you see a car accident:

Tom Cruise is driving down the freeway in a black BMW. His Sciento-sense starts to tingle as a sees a 4 car pile up just ahead. He skids to a halt and leaps through the roof of his sedan, flying high in the air and landing in the middle of the twisted wreckage rippling the asphalt beneath him. He is calm. “Stand back, emergency workers,” he announces, “Put down your jaws-of-life and crowbars. I am a Scientologist.” A collective gasp is audible as the gathered crowd of firemen, paramedics and onlookers collectively take 3 steps back. “Give him room,” a fireman says, “let him do his work.”

Tom Cruise makes his way through the wreckage to the first vehicle. The smoke is thick and parching, but he can sense a woman, mid-thirties, is still alive. He claps his hands together once then parts them as if brushing back curtains. The smoke lifts. He is using his mind to keep the woman’s vitals stable. Her blood pressure and heart rate are approaching normal. She is experiencing his mixture of science and love. His Scientology.

He closes his eyes and takes two handfuls of the twisted metal encasing the woman. Anne is her name. She isn’t afraid. She is in the most capable hands in the world. The hands of a Scientologist. The hands of Tom Cruise. The car wrenches and shrieks as he cleaves the metal husk in twain. As if cracking an egg he deposits Anne safely on the ground, holding two halves of an automobile above his head. Tom Cruise heaves the vehicle skyward and it disappears; a speck over the horizon.

“How can I than…” Anne begins as a well manicured finger is pressed to her lips. “Your thanks isn’t necessary. I’m a Scientologist. This is what we do.”

-fin

Give that man a fucking medal.

I get the impression that most people think Scientology is just a crazy club for rich Hollywood weirdos. I’m hoping all that changes now that their insanity is receiving greater exposure. Secret documents have been popping up all over the place, and a hacker group is hell bent on laying waste to their entire organization. They might actually be succeeding… like today.

Anyway, until the day that we are all clear, there are no more SP‘s, and everyone is OT7 just remember to salute your portrait of LRH, use your tech, and KSW, KSW, KSW!

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57 Comments

  1. I’ve never been a big fan of Jerry O’Connell… but that parody just raised my opinion of him significantly. The laugh is spot-on.

  2. Everyone pretty much knew he was a little “off”, but you can’t truly appreciate the depth of his insanity until you watch the video. Which brings us to today’s ‘question of the day’:

    Who would you rather have babysit your children? Tom Cruise or Britney Spears? Discuss.

    Oh, and “SHARK-SPLODE!” is my new favorite word.

    • Dear Merciful Lord, man … if I had to choose between Tom Cruise or Britney Spears, I'd probably just stay home and watch the Super Bowl on TV instead of going.

      That, or chain the brats to a radiator with a box of cereal within reach.

    • I agree with the general idea, but not the specifics. Full disclosure, I am Christian myself by the way. While all religion has some belief in the supernatural, and competing beliefs can seem absurd (Christians think some guy could walk on water, and Muslims think a horse could fly), most believe that people of other faiths do have some basic value to society (but of course there are obvious exceptions). Scientology seems to teach that if you do not share in their beliefs, you’re pretty much worthless. They are the only people who have any knowledge about humanity.

      So while in general, religion=crazy, I say Scientology=even more much +5 crazier.

      • Good point. All religion requires you to subscribe to something that seems impossible. Resurrection, omnipotence, magic powers, etc etc. But Scientology is based on a terrible scifi premise that some scam artist concocted fairly recently. Aliens and galactic space planes are no more believable than heaven or eternal life from a logical standpoint, but Scientology goes beyond logical paradoxes. No other accepted “religion” practiced on a wide scale requires you to shun, lie to, and cheat non believers, bully your opponents, cut of contacts with your family, or pay cash to reach enlightenment. Leave the aliens out of it and I would still be just as outraged that they are bilking people out of their happiness and money through false promises and treachery.

    • I’ll respect your opinion on this, because I DO agree in many ways. At the same time, we dont have historical proof that christianity was started by a con artist with the explicit goal of duping suckers out of their money and gaining power. We know this for a fact about L Ron Hubbard and Scientology. He was a huckster and a fraud and a SHITTY writer, yet he convinced enough people to believe his lies. Im not saying no other religion was started this way. Maybe they all were. But LRH pulled this scam just a few short decades ago. Its unacceptable and shouldnt be tolerated.

      • Sure, all religions have insane premises. But at least I don’t have to pay tens of thousands of dollars before they’ll even tell me what they are. Bibles are pretty cheap, and most religious folks (batshit insane or not) are happy to tell you (sometimes in excrutiating detail) what apeshit things they believe. Scientologists aren’t up front about it because they know if they told people about Xenu up front, they wouldn’t get many people willing to hand over that kind of money.

    • So are you volunteering? I’ll get you started

      Shark-splode: v: when a shark explodes due to external stimuli such as heat vision, rocket launcher, meteor impact, or Bat-Shark-Repellent.

      Shark-splosion: n; ………

  3. I say we get the Scientologists together with the RIAA to discuss the use of the copyrighted Mission:Impossible theme song in their video. It’ll be like Thunderdome!!

    Two men enter…One man leaves!

      • You know the real reason Paramount dropped Tommy? He made more money off that film than the studio did. Not because of the couch stuff. That was just too damned convenient a reason to be rid of him.

        They actually do sorta run into a small bit of “religious” persecution, though. I know the company I used to work for passed on a pretty decent script because the writer was a scientologist. It wasn’t the only factor, but it was a deciding one.

        Strangely, I don’t feel sorry for him one jot.

  4. Only one thing would have made this better, and that’s having one panel of Cruise ripping his shirt open to reveal LRH’s Head, emitting rays of light. Like Superman’s S in a way. I’m not sure that came across like it did in my head, but what can you do?

  5. The sad thing is, I like Tom Cruise. I really do. Kinda. I think he’s a good actor. I really liked him in A Few Good Men, M:I3, The Last Samurai, Minority Report, Vanilla Sky, Magnolia… let’s face it, he’s been in a lot of good movies and has done a good job in them. I say he’s a good actor because I can still watch those movies and not associate him with the Tom Cruise of now. He’s essentially a completely different person (except in Magnolia, where he seems to be very much himself) which is the key indicator of good acting. I just can’t understand how a man like Cruise, or anyone else who practices Scientology, could truly believe that there’s a 75 million year old spirit – who was killed by hydrogen bombs on volcanoes – living within them. I wish I could just ask him a few questions, like…
    “Do you truly believe in Xenu?”
    “Have you ever talked to your dead spirit?”
    “Why did you kick Oprah’s couch?”*
    So many questions…

    BTW, I really enjoyed this comic. I can’t wait to see how it ends. 🙂

    *Talking about kicking couches always reminds me of Rick James/Dave Chapelle/Charlie Murphy – “Fuck yo’ couch!”

    • I can answer all of these
      1) Yes. If you dont believe in a Galactic Emperor from 75 trillion years ago, he gets kind of mad.
      2)Spirit(s). There are millions of Thetans in everyone. Except for me. I’m clear. Im Tom Fucking Cruise clear.
      3)They should have never gave Oprah money. She can afford a new one. Cocaine is a helluva drug.

      • The best part of those Charlie Murphy episodes was how Rick James would always end up verifying the stories.

        Like, he’d say:
        Hell, no, I didn’t grind my feet into his couch…

        Then later:
        Yeah, maybe I ground my feet into his couch…..

  6. Wait you thought he WASN'T like himself in all of those films? Really? Have you…like…seen him ever in real life?

    Ever?

  7. hating an actor you don’t even know because of a 4years old video..wow

    you should hate on scientology or cult leader Miscavige, Spiderman!

    BTW, there are a lot of pedophiles priests out there, don’t you think?
    I hate when the pope encourage africans to not use condom.

    Destroy christianity too, the biggest criminal cult in the world! f*cking crazy!

    Kiss

    • Katie? Is that you? Are you trying get a signal to the outside world? The next time you’re on TV, blink 3 times in a row and we’ll know it’s a cry for help. You’ll have to leave the baby. Im afraid she’s been compromised.

      If you’re correct and Spiderman is in league with the Scientologists we may have to employ the Sinister 6 to get you out.

      We WILL NOT leave you behind, Katie. Be strong.

      • Kil Katie or Freakatie whatever, just get rid of her; Tom is doing a great job keeping her flat ass in the basement, she sucks as an hum hum: actress!

        Fuck the goldigger! the scientology bride should go away for ever. She signed a contract with Miscavige, not to let Cruise go also;

        Praise Penelope.

  8. Tom Cruise one of the finest actors and respected role and his cunning negotiation for his salary was his role in the LAST SAMERI. His work ethic impressed the sternest of Japanese stunt actors and Sword masters they actually admire him for his work ethic and his excellence in his work.

  9. God I love this comic. I've hated Tom Cruise ever since he dissed depression. I have several brain disorders and as someone who has to deal with family members and "friends" who don't get it and don't attempt to understand what it's like to live with brain disorders; I know how crippling the stigma can be. I refuse to watch any fucking tom cruise movie (even the ones I loved when I was younger) because every time I see the asshats face I wish him the self realization that his brain is more fucked than mine.

    • Glad you liked it. I think the man is despicable, but I cant help but enjoying The Mission Impossible Movies. DAMN YOU TOM CRUISE! DAMN YOUR TINY EYES!

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