Think Different, but not Secret.

Six or seven years ago my friend, Wes, would call me out of the blue and say things like, “Think Secret says Apple is going to release new flat panel iMacs,” or “Think Secret says Steve Jobs just invested 200 million in Amalgamated Black Turtle Necks.”

I would usually respond with, “It’s four-fucking-thirty in the morning! Why are you calling me, what’s a Think Secret and why should I care about Apple and their queerly user friendly computers?! Aren’t they made of wishes and candy and unicorn entrails? I like my computer cold and hard and sharp and hateful.”

This was many years before my conversion to the teachings of Steve. Even in my ignorance I knew Think Secret was some sort of player in the hardware super spy game. Dangling from a ceiling harness, lifting the microfiche off of the desk of a sleeping Steve Jobs. He would awake moment too late, press the giant red…no, white button on his desk and call for a Cupertino-wide lock down. “It must have been that dastardly double agent from Think Secret!” Steve would say as giant steel doors would slam down over the windows and exits.

Colorful novelization aside, Think Secret is no more. No one knows the real terms of the deal Apple offered the sites creator, Nick Ciarelli, but he took it and bowed out gracefully. The rumble is that it went something like:

Steve: “Stop thinking secretly about our products before we release them! The “Boom” is everthing and you are ruining my fun times!”

TS: “WTF?”

Steve:“Instead of suing you, we’ll offer to buy you out in exchange for you never writing about Apple ever ever again.”

TS: “WTF?!”

I really hope no one is calling “sell out” on this guy. Faced with the options of a crippling lawsuit from a multi billion dollar company that would leave you financially raped and ruined or a nice fat check and something cool to put on your resume, I think we ALL would take option B.

It seemed like Steve-O was on a killing spree when Fake Steve Jobs reported that same thing was being done to him. Turns out it we were all suckers and it was a big fat lie. When you can’t trust a formerly anonymous blogger who impersonates a tech-celebrity online in a mocking fashion to be completely honest all the time, you can’t trust anyone. Especially anyone who’s first name is “Fake.” And to think… I Dugg for him.

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  1. @AJ
    Sorry, that was a one off custom paint job.

    “what do you take me for? some sort of cheap whore? ”
    Do you really want me to answer that?

  2. Is Think Secret anything like Pop Secret?

    In a total non sequitur (is it truly a non sequitur once I make a segue? And no jokes about that gay, 2-wheeled contraption!), I know you have a special place in your heart (head, pants?) for Jonathan Coulton, so I thought you might appreciate this:

    Artist: No They Do
    Album: When Robots Rule the World

    No They Do is the all-robot musical collective led by musicologist and “future’s Alan Lomax,” XJ3. Its album is the soundtrack of the inevitable future, in which robots destroy the human race, discover acoustic guitars and play robot folk music.

    Song: “More Songs About Oven Mitts”

    (hmm, I don’t remember if your comments accept html. Anywho, the song is called “More Songs About Oven Mitts” and can be found at:

  3. @Autifon
    I keep JoCo in my pocket next to my keys. Robot music sounds like my kind of robot music. I will have to check it out. Thanks for the tip!

  4. Joel… is your virtual self losing weight? Did he stop eating again? I’d hate to have that uncomfortable sit down again so we can talk about “body image.”

    For God’s sakes… eat something virtual Joel- your eyes are bulging out of your head!

  5. It is well know fact that the EFF was on the case and Apple settled with TS because they would end up losing. So he is a sell out.

  6. About the last panel…. You should add a bunch of piranha (virus) chasing the Vista boat.
    Also, shouldn’t the two guys under the Zune sail be squirting each other?

  7. @Mikey
    He’s going through some stuff right now. You wouldn’t understand. Hes down to 90 pixels wide. All we can do is pray.

    Oh well. I still don’t begrudge him anything. These situations seem cut and dry until you live through them. Im not in his shoes so I can’t really judge. Though I’m sure they are nicer shoes than he had before the giant pay off. Actually the vista boat turns bright blue, shuts off and capsizes in shark invested waters because Joel accidentally pulled out the USB drive without properly ejecting it first.

    I hadn’t read FSJ until the shutdown story so I totally fell for it. That was until his post about turning down the $500K and his lawyer saying he fucked the fido. Then I realized I was being taken for a ride. I hope no one took that whole thing too seriously. He does put “FAKE” right in the title.

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