There’s The Flashing Magic Screen

I’ll be at Dallas Comic Con this weekend [Saturday and Sunday]. Come say hi!

At least for now, if you click HERE you will see a video regarding the Apple iPad that begins with a quote of outstanding douchery [captured nearly verbatim in panel 1 above]. Apple loyalist though I may be, I admit they are not above criticism. And to suggest that “we don’t know how computers work so they must be magical” fails to impress me on two accounts. A) I know how computers work… EVERYONE except my mom knows how computers work, and 2) even people that don’t know exactly how computers work don’t think they are magical like phoenix tears.

I do not see a demonstration of “pinch to zoom” multitouch and immediately avert my eyes from the iPad as not to offend it’s heavenly gaze. I do not slaughter a goat as to make a sacrificial offering to the iPad that it may smile upon my crops in the coming season or bless my family with many strong sons and beautiful daughters (for selling to rich village land owners). Nor to a steal off into the night and paint myself with the goats blood, dance around a bonfire and chew the hallucinogenic leaves of an indigenous shrub in order to work myself up into a trance-like frenzy in hopes of better knowing the will of the iPad. Those are the actions of someone who looks at the unknown and interprets it as magic. C’Mon Apple. That was just dumb.

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53 Comments

  1. The problem is the target market, as it is for all of the Fruit Company's products, is those too gullible to know better.

  2. Apple sucks so hard. I would never buy anything of their over-priced, restricted, DRMed crap.
    “Oh, shiny!” may cut it for the fanboys.

    I did not watch the vid: “Get Quicktime” … hahaha, yeah right.

      • So you refuse to watch something that makes you install Quicktime, but you're fine with something that makes you install Flash, as YouTube would if you didn't have it already?

        It's just a codec, mang. I think you're taking your hate of Apple a little too far here.

        • No because there is no reason to install ANOTHER video program when I can simply use flash or windows media player (which are both extremely common online) and watch the video on some other site besides Apple's. I like to keep my computer system clean and not have hundreds of programs I only use very rarely. I think you must be a fanboy if you think because I don't want another program cluttering up my system I "hate" Apple. Like I said I think Apple serves its purpose in the market to push the tech envelope.

  3. I'm planning on getting one, but I'll admit I'm miffed about the time deley between Wifi units, and Wifi+3g units.

    It looks like all of your Linux fans have already thrown in their insightful comments as well.

  4. "Just like it feels right to hold a book or a magazine in your hand as you read it, it just FEELS right to hold THE INTERNET in your hand while you're browsing it."

    Uh-huh. Because a rectangular slab of metal, glass and plastic IS the Internet. We've heard this one before, Computer Man.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRmxXp62O8g

    Also: Does that guy in the iPad commercial who spends a lot of time talking about apps and software look a little too much like Steve Buscemi to anybody else? It was creeping me out, especially whenever he made his eyes widen… yikes.

  5. "Just like it feels right to hold a book or a magazine in your hand as you read it, it just FEELS right to hold THE INTERNET in your hand while you're browsing it."

    Uh-huh. Because a shiny rectangular box that fits in your hands *is* the Internet. We've heard that one before, Computer Man…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRmxXp62O8g

    Also: Does that guy in the iPad video who spends a ton of time talking about the apps and software and such look a liiiittle bit too much like Steve Buscemi to anybody else? Because that's who he looked like to me…it was creeping me out, especially whenever he made his eyes widen in sheer gullibility. Yikes.

  6. Aw come on guys, EVERYONE'S marketing team is like that. They appeal to the LCD. Using Niven's Law was actually a subtle nod to us geeks.

    They were being ironic!

    Heh.

    • You *so* did not just say that.

      Apple is the company built on huge marketing events and reality distortion fields. Of *course* everyone else's marketing sucks. But this is what Apple's lifeblood.

      Personally, I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm *glad* the iPad seems to be going over like a lead balloon. Consume-only DRMed phones with tight control over what you can do with them? I can live with that. Consume-only DRMed devices with tight control over what you can do with them as replacements for computers (or even netbooks)? Bad bad bad.

  7. I was wondering when one of The Afflicted would wander in here and start flailing about, foaming at the mouth, eyes glazed over with sheer amazement at the "magic" the iPad has brought into their vapid lives.

    Thank you for not making us wait.

  8. I am more annoyed by the hyperbole explaining what it is the "best" for…"Best movie watching experience?"
    Nope, that'll be my 42inch HDTV hooked up to my bluray player with Armageddon beating my puny British bones into America Lovin' calciumatronics!

  9. I sent this to my buddy that works at Apple. Fucking hilarious! The pissed off wizard and the mer-boobs are full of win!

  10. As a Canadian, how I pronounce ipad, sounds to me how American's in the deap south pronounce ipod. Just making me laugh a bit.

    Also, iPad G2 will have wings for your comfort.

  11. I like the thing, but not enough to buy it. If it was the MacPad, maybe, because that would imply that it would run some form of OSX and probably have USB ports. But it runs a version of the iPhone OS, and while it is great for a phone (or iPod) I don't want a tablet that runs like a phone. I want a tablet that runs like a computer.

    I detect a distinct whiff of G4 Cube.

  12. Apple loyalists always find themselves having to add the disclaimer: But I don't worship the product and think light shines out of Steve Job's rear. Maybe in the back of their mind they know it's a cult?

  13. To be honest, I'm in. I don't have a smart phone, and I like magazines so this will fill the place nicely. At the same time though, I see it for what it is. If I'm reading, that's all I need to do. If I'm playing a game, not doing anything else. If I'm on the couch having a trivia debate, I can verify it there. If I want to browse 8 webpages at once, I'll go on a real computer.

    By not having multitasking, it makes sure I won't ignore the human beings that are around me right then. When my best friend checks his email "just for a second" he'll open 3 other pages for something to look at while other pages load. Good luck having a conversation for the next 1/2 hour, on the couch, while hanging out.

  14. Two comics in a row with nudity. Is this a new direction for HE? Speaking of new directions, everytime I hear the phrase "new directions" on Glee, I think they are saying "nude erections".

  15. As dumb as that comment may be, there's probably a reason they don't let that guy talk the whole time. And frankly, I came into this not wanting one and now I'm almost out the door rushing to be the first to own it. God damn you, Apple.

  16. "Those are the actions of someone who looks at the unknown and interprets it as magic."

    Umm… no. Arthur C. Clarke, who invented satellite telecommunications among other things, said "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

    I didn't watch the talking head advert, so I can't comment directly on the speaker's potentially buffoonish aspect.

  17. Also, speaking of douchebaggery and Jobs' ownership of Disney, ABC's World News aired a big ol' mash note to their Fearless Leader as their final "news story" tonight. I mean, they weren't even trying to disguise their real motives. Either the guy's got one hell of an ego problem or someone was bucking for a big promotion.

  18. Okay, so it's a bigger itouch/iphone , that's great. Anyone feel like the people in the video seem surprised the product they developed actual does what they wanted it to do? Just found that funny. Wow, I just built a bike ,and the pedals work. You can even ride it too. It just feels like a bike should, as you pedal and ride. You can even add the "motorbike" sound app. Just by adding the clothespin and card.

    I don't hate apple or anything. I like their products. But the way they went about explaining the ipad can be applied to anything. If you build it, and it does what its intended to do, it magic.

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