Sucker M.C.’s

For the month of January 2015, both of my books are only $5 each. Buy 2 of them and I’ll give you a free mystery mini print. After January they are GONE FOREVER

I am selling them at or below cost so they can go to Fancy Bastards that will appreciate them, rather than a bonfire. Grab them HERE. 


I would say nearly 100% of my daughter’s holiday musical program was this psuedo-hip hop referenced in the panels above. I know you know exactly what I mean without actually having to hear it. For a good decade (between the late 80’s and late 90’s) it was everywhere. In Fruity Pebbles commercials, and Simpsons episodes, in a parody song about Ronald Regan, and an ad for Chiquita Bananas. This style of “rap” was so common in advertisements that I feel like an entire generation (my generation) grew up thinking that a ton of actual rap songs started with “My name is _____ and I’m here to say, I like to ______ in a _______ way!” As far as my Google-fu can suss out, there aren’t any actual songs from that time period that featured this lyrics scheme.

Rap songs from this time DID, however, heavily feature the artist saying who they were and what they liked to do, but it was (at least almost) never in that exact pattern and rarely quite that corny. I mean, that’s some weak ass rhymes right there. But it was so ubiquitous that when adults and kids alike would “make up a rap song,” it would almost always start with that phrase.

I left Kiddo’s program just puzzling over this phenomenon. It’s like a game of cultural telephone. A lyric is misheard or misremembered, then mis-quoted enough times that people take the meme for granted and start building off its foundation. For instance, “Wouldn’t it be cute if the 1st graders sang a song as if they were Santa’s Reindeer? And wouldn’t it be cute if they RAPPED it, because of how the rap is the most popular form of music these days with the kids?  And OF COURSE we should start the song, the way every single rap songs starts!” BUT THE THING THAT THEY ARE REFERENCING NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!

I think this situation is akin to pop culture misquotes like “Beam me up, Scotty,” or “Luke… I am your father.” If enough people just keep saying them, everyone else just assume they’re right and our collective pop cultural memory just forks from that vector and grows in a different, weirder direction.

It’s holidays times, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I have an Amazon Wishlist for any of you who are interested in such things.

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  1. Everybody saying "Beam me up, Scotty" are quoting Jim Traficant, because that guy and his terrible hair were awesome. I think he's out of prison now, maybe he could do signings at media cons?

    • I think you're amalgamating Jim Traficant (politician who went to prison for bribe stuff) with Fred Travelina (impressionist).

    • Next Star Trek movie, they should just throw that one in there. Old cast, reboot, doesn't really matter (although if it could be Shatner saying it that would be awesome).

      And then it *would* become a real thing, sort of like the way the way fans got the prototype shuttle named "Enterprise".

  2. I'll still with what Ray Charles had to say about it. "Rap ain't music". Now excuse my while I exit stage right…c'mon booboo.

  3. "My name is Jimmy and I'm here to say…
    I need Scotty to beam me up in a major way!"

    Of course Kirk would never say that. It'd be more like

    "My name… is Jimmy and I'm… here to… say…
    I need… Scotty to beam… meupinamajorway!"

  4. I've been driving a lot this holiday season, visiting family and whatnot, and that means listening to a lot of satellite radio. Some of that satellite radio was Sirius/XM's Backspin channel, for all your old-school rap & hip-hop needs. You wouldn't believe the number of previously-unknown-to-me-but-period-authentic rapping Christmas songs I was introduced to!

  5. “My name is _____ and I’m here to say, I like to ______ in a _______ way!”

    Next time I see you, I'm bringing a blank CAH card for you to make this!

  6. I don't have a name but I'm here to say, that there was a time, there was a day
    When hip hop was no industry, but an adjoint to a street party
    For doing good in the neighborhood where the people rhymed how the people could
    Now when you rhyme from this point in time, you take what you got when you need a line
    Sometimes it's ease and it's sometimes cheese, but it's better than silence in the blowing breeze.

  7. I'm waiting for the follow up strip:
    Josh: My name is Josh and I'm here to say, I've got a big penis…
    Joel: ….and?
    Josh: why do i need an "and"?

  8. The Alt Text button bothers me. I used to like having the upper hand over the non-hover idiots, it made me feel special. Now it's there for everyone to see.

  9. Rappers Delight…lyrics :
    See, I am Wonder Mike, and I'd like to say hello,
    To the black, to the white, the red and the brown,
    The purple and yellow. But first, I gotta
    Bang bang, the boogie to the boogie,
    Say up jump the boogie to the bang bang boogie,
    Let's rock, you don't stop,
    Rock the rhythm that'll make your body rock.
    Well so far you've heard my voice but I brought two friends along,
    And the next on the mic is my man Hank,
    C'mon, Hank, sing that song!

    (This is the rap song all the suburban middle-aged soccer moms remember as risqué )

  10. I would refer ye to the olde skooling. Look at something like Rapper's Delight and you have the core template for white understanding of Hip Hop. It is full of references that start with "Well, " and are usually some form of self identification…

    Well, I'm Imp the Dimp, the ladies' pimp by example.

    Then there is Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five with their rappings of 'Freedom' or 'Step Off'. We never find out why they were so furious but they often use a naming ceremony within their lyrical content.

    Melle Mel, right on time, it's Taurus, the bull, my zodiac sign
    I'm mister Ness and I'm ready to go and I go by the sign of Scorpio
    My name is Raheim, I don't like to fuss, my zodiac sign is Aquarius
    The Kid Creole is the name of mine and Plaices is my zodiac sing
    And I'm Cowboy and I'm running this show, my zodiac sign is Virgo
    And Grandmaster Flash cut so on, his zodiac sign is Capricorn

    … and so on.

    The most pertinent being the salutation of one Keith Cowboy:

    Well, I'm Keith Cowboy and you're my cow.

  11. Oh if you want terrible people who shouldn't even be fake rapping, fake rapping, here: the AWA Wrestlerock Rumble video – including a very young Shawn Michaels, Curt "Mr. Perfect" Henning and Scott Hall (both in speedos coming out of a pool), the Sheik, and a lot of others fake rapping.

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