2014-12-29-to-your-mother

To Your Mother

2014-12-29-to-your-mother

For the month of January 2015, both of my books are only $5 each. Buy 2 of them and I’ll give you a free mystery mini print. After January they are GONE FOREVER

I am selling them at or below cost so they can go to Fancy Bastards that will appreciate them, rather than a bonfire. Grab them HERE. 

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It’s holidays times, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I have a Patreon and  an Amazon Wishlist for any of you who are interested in such things.

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Sucker M.C.’s

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For the month of January 2015, both of my books are only $5 each. Buy 2 of them and I’ll give you a free mystery mini print. After January they are GONE FOREVER

I am selling them at or below cost so they can go to Fancy Bastards that will appreciate them, rather than a bonfire. Grab them HERE. 

hijinks-ensue-january-2015-book-sale-2

I would say nearly 100% of my daughter’s holiday musical program was this psuedo-hip hop referenced in the panels above. I know you know exactly what I mean without actually having to hear it. For a good decade (between the late 80’s and late 90’s) it was everywhere. In Fruity Pebbles commercials, and Simpsons episodes, in a parody song about Ronald Regan, and an ad for Chiquita Bananas. This style of “rap” was so common in advertisements that I feel like an entire generation (my generation) grew up thinking that a ton of actual rap songs started with “My name is _____ and I’m here to say, I like to ______ in a _______ way!” As far as my Google-fu can suss out, there aren’t any actual songs from that time period that featured this lyrics scheme.

Rap songs from this time DID, however, heavily feature the artist saying who they were and what they liked to do, but it was (at least almost) never in that exact pattern and rarely quite that corny. I mean, that’s some weak ass rhymes right there. But it was so ubiquitous that when adults and kids alike would “make up a rap song,” it would almost always start with that phrase.

I left Kiddo’s program just puzzling over this phenomenon. It’s like a game of cultural telephone. A lyric is misheard or misremembered, then mis-quoted enough times that people take the meme for granted and start building off its foundation. For instance, “Wouldn’t it be cute if the 1st graders sang a song as if they were Santa’s Reindeer? And wouldn’t it be cute if they RAPPED it, because of how the rap is the most popular form of music these days with the kids?  And OF COURSE we should start the song, the way every single rap songs starts!” BUT THE THING THAT THEY ARE REFERENCING NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!

I think this situation is akin to pop culture misquotes like “Beam me up, Scotty,” or “Luke… I am your father.” If enough people just keep saying them, everyone else just assume they’re right and our collective pop cultural memory just forks from that vector and grows in a different, weirder direction.

It’s holidays times, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I have an Amazon Wishlist for any of you who are interested in such things.

2014-12-24-underneath-the-misanthropy-toe

Underneath The Misanthropy-toe

2014-12-24-underneath-the-misanthropy-toe

I’m a people person. Wait, what I mean to say is, “I’m a people, person.” As in, “Hey, you person, I am a people so please afford me the basic courtesy of never speaking to me, making eye contact with me or acknowledging our simultaneous existence in any way. Thanks.”

I do not care for small talk. I find something repulsive and detestable about a stranger feeling so uncomfortable with a shared silence that they feel the need to strangle it to death with meaningless words. It’s like they notice the presence of another human and their lizard brain immediately commands them, “MAKE NOISE! MAKE NOISE TO SEEM SCARY OR IT WILL EAT YOU! ALSO MAKE YOURSELF BIG! LOOK BIGGER AND MAKE NOISE AND YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!” I love conversation, but I love for it to be real; to have a purpose.

HEY HEY HEY: Go check out my Patreon. Fancy Patrons and potential Fancy Patrons alike should also check out the new Patreon community guidelines.

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I’m even happy with casual conversation from a stranger, if it has a purpose. “Am I near the dog park?” “How do you get there?” “Have you seen my dog?” “WHERE AM I?! WHERE IS MY DOG?! WHERE I AM GOING?! HOW DID I GET… oh, there’s my dog. Come along, Crackers.” These are purposeful words. These words are unlike, “Hey… Mondays, am I right?” “That’s some weather we’ve been having.” and “Big plans for the weekend?” You can probably tell that my most frequent exposure to this smallest of talk was in elevators back when I had a regular job. There’s something about elevators that squeezes words out of people like a long since empty tube of toothpaste. There’s nothing in there, but you squeeze and fold and force it none the less until something, anything comes out. In these circumstances, I wouldn’t even mind the small talk if it was just honest. “How about that crippling despair that’s been going around?” “That’s some irreversible damage we’ve done to the only planet we have; the only home our children and our children’s children will inherit, am I right?” “You got any plans for the unending nothingness that awaits us all upon our deaths?”

It’s holidays times, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I have an Amazon Wishlist for any of you who are interested in such things.

2014-12-22-humbugbrag

Humbugbrag

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EVERY. SINGLE. SCHOOL THING. EVER. Show me the thing my kid made or let me hear my kid sing and GET ME THE FUUUUUUUUCK OUT. If there’s one thing that puts me on edge, it’s chaos. And there’s NOTHING ON THIS EARTH more chaotic than whatever an elementary school wants parents to come down and see. An elementary school is basically a Hellmouth. Disorder and chaos and disease and discord just radiates from every elementary school auditorium like a discordant heartbeat.

Speaking of disease, a third of my kid’s class is out with the flu and one of those little plague vectors gave it to my kid. So this year we’re celebrating Sickmas. Just think of all the less fortunate, healthy children. Do they  know it’s Sickmastime at all? As you reflect on those poor, non-immunocompromised souls, throw back a mug of Purellnog and warm yourself by throwing all your clothes and bedsheets in the fire. “I’m dreaming of a bleaaaagh Sickmaaaassss.”

HEY HEY HEY: Go check out my Patreon. Fancy Patrons and potential Fancy Patrons alike should also check out the new Patreon community guidelines. The Patreon team has been working tirelessly for months to craft a set of guidelines that will allow them to keep the community free of abusive, harassing and hateful accounts, as well as any account that counteracts the “Be cool, be nice, make stuff and get paid” philosophy that Patreon was born out of.

DID YOU GET YOUR HOGWARTS LETTER YET?! Check out these Harry Potter inspired owl post earrings and necklaces my wife made:

harry potter owl post letter necklace earrings etsy