Sound Financial Planning

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Ewok Stare T-Shirt from HijiNKS ENSUE


Now that I know where to put my money (or whatever we’re using for currency after the fall of man… gasoline, child slaves, bits of twine and figs, etc), what markets should I stay out of completely? I suppose the industries of soap, literature, safety equipment, and┬ásigns with rules on them will dry up pretty quick. Best to keep your portfolio heavy on blunt objects, tank treads and hockey gloves wrapped in barbed wire.

I wonder what it takes to get a Thunderdome franchise. That is assuming they’re franchised at all. I mean there can’t be just the one. I’d assume you have to sign up with the home office, put up an initial investment of $50,000 to $75,000 (or the equivalent value in gasoline soaked child slaves) and then wait to see what territory you get assigned. They probably have to be at least 15-20 miles apart. I hope I get a really cherry spot like “The Outlands” “Dryland” (which is a much better market than “The Ocean City Of Floating Despair”) or “Murdertown,” the town famous for being populated 100% by murderers. Murdertown: Come for the murder, stay for the part where we divy up his clothes and shoes… then run, because you’re next. Actually that’s their old town slogan. Recently they shortened it to Murdertown: Those are some nice boots you got there, stranger.

This comic idea came out of a conversation I had with Zach Weiner, James Ashby, and half of Cyanide and Happiness (the handsome, but evil half) at C2E2 in Chicago last month. Zach later informed me that the concept of “investing in Spikes” came from himself, James, Jason Axinn, and Chason Chaffin. I wanted to make sure credit was given where due and say thanks to those guys for inspiring this stupid jpeg.

COMMENTERS: What other industries and sectors would be good to focus on for the savvy, post-apocalyptic investor?

CHECK IT OUT: I put a desktop version of the “You’re The Last Of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown” comic in The Vault. A shirt is in the works, so stay tuned.

You're The Last Of the Time Lords, Charlie Brown Wallpaper Preview

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  1. Good thing I saved all my shitty homemade Rocky Horror outfits from high school. I can pawn those off for an axe that's also a guitar, canned oxygen, and vienna sausages (as well as any number of things from the recent series of My Chemical Romance videos).

    • I'm attaching a lighter to the end of my BB Gun hooked up to a gas tank. Think an accurate rifle-based incinerator from Fallout. Plus the BBs are metal so they make a splash of liquid burning copper.

  2. I'm gonna say tanks, water, anti-radiation meds are all probably safe bets. And, if it's a dollhouse-lost-identity apocalypse probably tattooing equipment – and tin foil. Because, honestly, if they're shooting out audio-waves that make you lose your personality, why not got the crazy tin foil hat route?

  3. Well it really depends on what kind of apocalypse to get the best bang for your buck. Zombies getting you down, stock up on shotguns and brains to help fend them off. Dragons awaken and wipe out humanity, get your self some helicopters and extreme sports freaks to jump out of them kill the dragons on the way down. Aliens invading, better be good with computers. Or is it just people being douchebags that bring us to the brink of extinction, better get your self a used car lot and as much gas as you can find.

    oh and I would recommend moving near Will Smith, as you know he will get us threw it.

  4. If Mad Max is any kind of guide, you can't go wrong with football padding and fur. Accessorize with a sawed-off shotgun, mount up in your Sixties-era dune buggy, and you're ready for a night on the shattered, burned remnants of the town!

  5. Am I gonna be the one to say: GASOLINE TRUCKS CARRYING SAND? that WAS what Mad Max was all about if I recall.

  6. Correction: It's "_You're_ The Last Of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown.” The comic itself seems to be titled okay.

  7. Smoke machines, robot repellent, long pig sausages, Jean Paul-Gaultier outfits, chimpanzee snacks, MP3s of whalesong, a Geiger counter, CHUD prods and a map to Alan Tudyk's house and you're good to go!

  8. Well, since he's "transitioning" out of the 5PM slot, I'd say invest in Glenn Beck End of The World Time Shares and sell them to other for food, water, services, and "services".

  9. Assuming that the apocalypse will also have a steady stream of loner, trenchcoat-wearing badasses, that'll probably be a good place to invest, too.

  10. I can't believe I'm gonna be the first to say this but: Bibles. Because A) Crazy people will still use that book for craziness after the apocalypse and B) It's the first book people are going to want re-recorded knowing this country.

    Also: geiger counters, radiation suits, dinghys, and explosives. Lots and lots of explosives.

    • If we're going the Book of Eli route (great movie) I would suggest machetes, sawed-off shotguns, wet-naps, and mp3 players for those long treks through the nuked out wasteland.

  11. People we are completely overlooking the possibility of a Water World scenario. snorkel masks, swim fins and floaties would be a good start, perhaps water filers for all that pee you'll be drinking and how about a harpoon or spear gun racket on the side.

  12. Gonna need a colorful crew to man that Thunderdome franchise, outsource for your own Master Blaster, Tina Turner, crazy australian in a gyrocopter, and feral children, act now while supplies last! But wait theres more! Act now and well throw in your very own Pursuit Special!

  13. Electricity is among the first things to go, so:

    1. Manual can openers. What good is all that canned food if you can't get into it?
    2. Print outs of on-line manuals for all those small engines and machines above.
    3. Batteries, of every size, shape and kind. And hand-cranked battery chargers (or bicycle-powered).
    4. Skills. There's got to be a reason to keep you around rather than just kill you and take your stuff.

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