Slouching Towards Bethlehamster

“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

Me, Randy MilhollandDavid Willis, Danielle Corsetto, Jeph Jaques, Rob Denbleyker and MORE will be at the Dragon’s Lair Webcomic Rampage panel/signing event on December 10th and 11th. It is always a good time. Austin Fancy Bastard should NOT miss it.

HijiNKS ENSUE at Dragons Lair Webcomic Rampage

When I heard the new TV spot for Alvin & The Chipmunks 3: Chips Ahoy Chipwrecked (heard as opposed to saw because why would I look up?) I did the auditory equivalent of a double-take. Did Alvin actually just quote Charlie Sheen (and all of early 2011 America) by exclaiming, “WINNING!”? Was this anthro-rodent, intended for entertainment consumption by children repeating the mental instability battle cry that propelled one Mr. Carlos Estivez (AKA Charlie Sheen, AKA The Blood Tiger, AKA Charlie Llello, AKA The Hot Shot: Part Douche) into the hearts and fever dreams of the American media?

A few days went by and I started to think that I had misheard, so I went and dug up all five Chipwrecked trailers that have aired since July of this year. “Winning” did not appear in a single one of them. Not only had I completely lost my mind, but worse yet I had to think of a new comic idea. I Googled and Googled until my fingers bled. Then I came up with a search result that might just be the golden despair nugget I had been searching for. It was a Youtube video titled simply “Gaga, Shazam, Winning!” Before clicking the link, I called my lawyer and made sure those words would not only be the only words spoken at my funeral, but also emblazoned across my headstone in Comic Sans. Sure enough “Winning” was cut into a TV spot, but not any of the official trailers. I wonder if it actually appears in the movie. I wonder if Theodore marries a Kardashian or Simon reads from Mein Kampf.

COMMENTERS: What other despicable catch phrases or questionable celebrity acts could The Chipmunks glom onto? What completely inappropriate context could they be used in and what pop song would they sing immediately afterward? Feel free to re-subtitle the movie as well. Also, why did they bother to have celebrities voice all the Chipmunks and Chipettes only to pitch modulate them out of any recognizability?

Bonus Points for giving a premise and title to subsequent Chipmunks movies. Alvin discovers BSDM in Alvin & The Chipmunks 4: Whipmunks and Chains! You’ll BALL your eyes out from laughing until you GAG!

HijiNKS ENSUE The Wolf Den Earwolf PodcastANOTHER THING! I was a guest on Earwolf’s The Wolf Den Podcast. We talk about the beginnings of HE, The Experiment and making a living doing the thing you love doing. I had a fun time, and I think it was a pretty interesting conversation.

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  1. Alvin & The Chipmunks 5: Squeak Team Six. Alvin and the Chipmunks are recruited in to the rodent division of an elite counter terrorist strike force and must save the world from the machinations of the vile Momouse Kadafi, Mahmole Ahmadinejad, and Owlsama bin Laden.

  2. Alvin & The Chipmunks: Intel Inside (because they're CHIPmunks, see?)

    Alvin & The Chipmunks Go Rogue (hijinks at the Squeak Party convention! With Newt Gingrich as himself!)

    Alvin & The Chipmunks Go To White Castle (with Neil Patrick Harris, because he has already killed his rep with the Smurfs – can you imagine the grief he's getting from Jason Segel on the JIMYM set?)

    • you have no idea how much that made me laugh. Personally i say we should stop thinking of superfluous sequels and maybe get Uwe Boll to direct it, i'm sure that will cause the enitre franchise to implode

  3. Alvin and the Chipmunks – The Search for Squeak
    Just take the cast of the recent Star Trek movie, feed them helium then shine really bright lights in the audience's eyes while the characters jump and down on a much beloved franchise? Oh wait, that one's sort of already been done.
    Alvin and the Chipmunk – Chipmunk Redemption.
    "Alvin crawled through 3 miles of filth to gain his freedom…"
    "I don't know what that woman was singing about, because they turned it up so it was so high and squeaky I honestly had no idea, but it might have been the prettiest thing I ever heard – before they ruined it."
    "I'll never make it on the outside boss… No one can understand a damn word I'm saying!"
    Or my favourite – Alvin and the Chipmunks Vs Jason.
    Alvin and the gang are just hanging out, smoking some pot and having sex with the Chipettes by the side of the lake… Crystal Lake…

  4. Alvin and the Chipmunks 7: The Chips are Down–Dave's cousin Alan (Zach Galifianakis) is left in charge and takes the trio on quick jaunt to Vegas

  5. You know, I want to go for a Richard Gere joke. But every time I try to write it, my brain threatens to stab me in the face.

    • Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeaker — It tells the story of the boys parents and how their father lost his life and why their mother put them up for adoption. It's stars Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, Jason Lee (cashing a paycheck) as Dave, Lea Michelle (looking for her Tony) as Jane and a special appearance by Richard Gere (he brings death to the Chipmunk family.)

      The problem with the Gere appearance is that you can't be sure it's him cause all you see is his ass.

  6. After this new movie bombs horribly, the three rodents are reduced to giving blowjobs in a back alley for crack in Alvin and the Chinspunks

    • …but it WON'T bomb horribly. "The Smurfs" grossed $561 MILLION worldwide. "Jack and Jill" – one of the absolute worst movies I've ever sat through – made $76 million. People will take their kids to see anything if they think it's a way to not pay attention to them for 90 minutes.

      • It's time to Occupy Hollywood. The protest signs will carry names like A Clockwork Orange, Citizen Kane, Blade Runner, Star Wars: A New Hope, Jaws…

      • I shit you not, I am crying(is a single tear from each eye crying?). They are tears for humanity. "The Smurfs" grossed better than Serenity? More than 16 times better?!


  7. These movies hurt me in such a way that I will gladly pitch myself into the first yawning chasm that rends the Earth upon its release. For there will be nothing left in the world of men except darkness and flame, heat without light, as maddened dancers gibber mindlessly to shrill pitched pipes while, one by one, the stars go out.

  8. +1 for the J Robert Oppenheimer reference.

    I would rate the destructive capability of a Chipmunks sequel right up there with the atom bomb.

    And yes, IAAP (I am a physicist).

  9. It could be worse… Alvin could be talking how he's filled with tiger blood, and then he could be replaced in the lineup with Aston Kutcher, and they could tout it the most-watched movie in the world. (because people like to watch train wrecks with morbid curiosity.)

    I would actually pay money to the Chipmunks take on the Nic Cage, Jason Statham, Clive Owens action roles. Unfortunately, all the good title jokes for such a thing have already been used by Chuck Jones and Michael Maltese for Looney Tunes cartoons. I suppose you could call it "The Chip Shot" but everyone would think it's a golf movie. And there would be lots and lots of bullets and blood. Think "Smokin' Aces" but higher pitched.

  10. Just wait until the movies become non-profitable for theater release and they start spewing out direct-to-DVD/blu-ray movies. Fox is insane enough to do that.

  11. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipmunks in Space.

    It turns out the chipmunks we know are amnesiac survivors of a crashed alien spacecraft. When a rescue ship arrives full of militaristic chipmunks (and a sympathetic science team) who are expecting to have to free Alvin and the rest from their cruel human overlords hilarious hijinks ensue. The tangled action packed scenes that follow involve the FBI, the MIB, some foreign spy's from a never-named eastern block country who's actual goals are never very clear, a pack of ramshackle yet lovable conspiracy nuts who live in a trailer outside Area 51 and some liberated lab monkeys. Eventually the space chipmunks realize humanity isn't so bad after all, peace is made, and Alvin and the Chipmunks decide to stay on their adopted home world AFTER they go on a whirlwind tour of the Chipmunk Space Empire bringing Earth rock-and-roll to the furry masses who, in their entire evolution into a space faring species, never apparently discovered music and need to learn to relax and live a little (the tour plays out in a series of stills behind the end credits). In the after credits kicker it's revealed that David Seville's cat can talk and it's hinted that it might be a spy from a competing alien empire and that Alvin's arrival on Earth might have been more significant than an accidental crash.

    Damn, that'd sell. I shouldn't be giving this away, I should be working on the screenplay right now (thus rendering my soul into a blackened lump of pure evil).

  12. "Alvin and the Chipmunks in Africa, an homage to Shaft in Africa." Alvin and Simon are lured to Paris to do chain-gang work, and it's up to Theodore, a talking Escalade, and a whole lot of guns to set them free. The movie features many scenic shots of Paris, with Theodore driving through the streets in his Escalade blasting Rick Ross, and singing along to lines about a "fat boy in a big body".

    "Alvin and the Chipmunks Five: Taken and the Chipmunks." Alvin, Simon and Theodore inexplicably return to Paris and are promptly kidnapped by an underground slave trade ring (again). This time Dave, who is played by Liam Neeson, has to punch the entirety of Europe in the throat before he can rescue his oversized rodents from the clutches of France's most morally bankrupt citizens.

  13. Alvin: Resurrection, where in the future they bring Alvin back from the dead – but his DNA has been fused with that of…aaah, who cares, it'll suck anyway!

  14. I find it amusing that the mistranslation of that quote is so popular. As far as I know, it's more accurate to say "I am become Time, destroyer of worlds"
    But then, I just like the Mahābhārata. And nerdery.
    And this translation of that line ties in with Whovianism very nicely, don'tcha think?

  15. Theodore calls a cop 'sugartits' and suggests Dave is so grouchy because of his Jewish ancestry, Simon is caught on camera with his shirt off eating a cheeseburger while intoxicated on Xanax and Kahlua, Alvin is arrested soliciting sex from a transsexual prostitute, and my childhood is found brutally murdered outside a United Artists.

  16. Alvin and the Chipmunks: When the Chip hits the fan.

    Other celebrity behavior from this movie? well, the female chipmunks aren't wearing any underwear, and spend the whole movie following in the foot steps of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

  17. If any chipmunks movie ever features a surly black guy with a gun that yells "Get these muthafuckin' Chipmunks off my muthafuckin' plane", I would watch the hell out of it. My eyes would bleed through the whole thing, but for that moment alone, I would buy a ticket.

  18. A & the C's, Episode 1: The Flying Menace. In this long-awaited pre/squeakuel, we finally learn the origins of Alvin's mysterious father, Anavin Skychipper as he begins a long journey towards his destiny. This film is an absolute masterpiece of flashing, colorful, CGI-enhanced unreality with endearing characters, masterfully voiced by racially-stereotype-neutral, household-name actors and sped up to the most grating perfection. With heartless-felt performances by Talentless Kid, Wrong-Genre Prettygirl, Wasted Talentman and many more, you don't want to miss this block-leveler hit of the summer–be sure you pay enough to justify your humble presence!

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