Jurassic Park 4: Freakin’ Dinosaurs with Freakin’ Laser Beams

The pitch meeting goes something like this:

First Guy: How about we strap guns to the dinosaurs heads like in that 80’s cartoon DinoRiders!
Studio Exec. Guy: I love it! Get this man a solid gold prostitute!

Lesson 1: You stupid motherfuckers. Stop reanimating dinosaurs. It always leads to disaster.

After seeing Jurassic Park in middle school, I fully believed in that dinosaurs could be be reborn by having rain forest frogs hump mosquito DNA in a petri dish. But even at that tender age I assumed that the only reason no one was running out to collect frogs and mosquito blood and some Barry White CD’s was that once they succeeded all of their friends and family would get eaten.

Kindly refer back to Lesson 1. That’s the only lesson of that movie. That and to reinforce that when Samuel L. Jackson is NOT the star of the movie he WILL be killed by a dinosaur or a mutant shark or a by a Sith Lord. He will not survive to regale you with tales of how he narrowly escaped the dinosaurs and sharks and such. Wasn’t he in Sphere too?

Anyway, the point is after your Dino-speriments go all haywire and eat everybody on your island once, don’t keep putting them on an island and expecting positive results.

The Lost Word: Jurassic Park (0r JP2 ) started the downward trend for this franchise. Honestly. the Jurassic Park Sega Genesis game was 100 times better than this movie (you could play as the raptor!).

Jurassic Park 3: Raptors develop language. The language of love. And only William H. Macey can teach them to conjugate those verbs… I’ev got nothing… nevermind.

As for the comic, why didn’t I go with DinoRiders? Too obvious. Too easy. Plus Dinosaucers was a much better cartoon with a far superior theme song. You want a perfect scenario? You, your sister and your two teenage douchebag friends are hanging out on a mountain somewhere (probably getting high) and fucking dinosaurs from outer space land in a space ship, deputize you in their secret war, give you magic rings, rad letterman jackets AND hover bikes. Fuck Captain Planet. This is the team I want to join.

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  1. DINOSAUCERS!!! That’s what it is! I watched the shit out of that when I was a kid but never could remember the name of the show!

    Thank you, Joel, for unlocking the door to my childhood.

  2. Thank God I got my net back. There’s a shitload of new comics, and dinosaurs. It’s like Christmas, but with dinosaurs and Sam Neil.

  3. @Required Name
    “Like Christmas, but with dinosaurs”?

    Your Christmas doesnt ALWAYS have dinosaurs?


    A) Where is your portfolio. I must see if I approve of your life’s work.

  4. @BT

    There was a period where every morning for me consisted of that weird Peter Pan remake cartoon, and Pirates of Dark Water.

  5. Dinosaucers reference! Dinosaucers reference! You guys are so awesome to capitalize on the childhood nostalgia of 20-somethings like me in order to garner fans. The crazy thing is that I mean that.

  6. @jackson

    That still sounds about 43% sarcastic, but I will take your word for it. Im not really intentionally trying to capitalize on 80’s nostalgia. If anything Im capitalizing on my own childhood. I just make comics about stuff that I think is funny. I came up on 80’s cartoons and toys so I think about those things pretty often.

    Either way it sounds like you enjoy the comic, and thats all I really care about.

  7. Hmmmm…whoever saw this strip must also have been influenced for that awful Dragon Wars import movie…lizards with rocket launchers indeed!

  8. It is important that I post my love for you, as you have placed "Dinosaucers" in a comic. I loved this cartoon, and often thought in my late-teens/early-20s that I had totally made it up. Then Al Gore invented YouTube and I found the theme song and was whole once again.

  9. Screw Cap'n Planet … I'm gonna roll with the Silverhawks. We're gonna have a rumble against Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors behind the Dairy Queen tonight.

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