Order From Chaos Theory

And due to John Hammond’s greatest innovation, the Skull-encased Remote Detonated Dinosaur Head Bomb, there was never a single problem at Jurassic Park. In fact, it hasn’t been closed a single day since it opened in 1993. There has only been one death on the island since the park’s inception. Unfortunately, on his first day of work, an I.T. worker named Dennis Nedry fell face first into a  6 foot tall mound of Triceratops turds and suffocated… on dinosaur poop. And when you think about it, that’s a pretty amazing way to die. I mean, he’s probably the first guy ever to die that way. Anywho, I’m sure he was great and we’re all super blah blah for his loss or whatever. Bottom line: Head Bombs keep everything running smooth.  Samuel L. Jackson even still has all his original arms.

Comics have been slow this week, because my friend Stepto* fell into a coma on Monday, and I haven’t really felt like being funny or creative since then.

His prognosis was not good, but last night (06/11) he started responding to voices. I am trying to cling onto that as a sign of hope and eventual recovery, but he is still very far from out of the woods. His family has incurred significant expenses for travel and lodging to be by his side, not to mention his medical bills. They have set up a crowd funding campaign to help alleviate that burden HERE. If you can spare anything for one of the kindest, most enthusiastic and genuine people I have ever had the privilege of calling my friend, please do so. If you would like to share any words of support with his friends or family, we are tweeting with the hashtag #ArmyOfSteptos.

stepto fundraiser

*Stepto was the original director for policy and enforcement (THE BANHAMMER) for Xbox Live, and now he works with a hacker advocacy group to strengthen the security of the Internet that you are on right now.


The Island Of Dr. Moron


[Sorry for the lack of color in the comic. I have to be at a convention in a few hours and I very much need to be asleep for exactly all few of those aforementioned hours.]

FINALLY! Science debunks at least SOMETHING about the flawless science in Jurassic Park. I knew there had to be a hole in that airtight “we injected dinorsaur blood into frogs or whatever OH SHIT RAPTORS FOREVER WE’RE ALL DEAD!” plot. Despite these new findings, I am pretty certain the movie got one thing exactly right. A Triceratops (which may or may not have actually been a real thing) takes a HUGE shit.

If you are waiting on a sketch from the Fancy Sketch Drive, I am working on them all weekend while at the con and will be shipping out a whole heeping ton of them next week. Sorry for the delay. 100+ commissioned drawings was an ambitious undertaking.

If you are waiting on a Lil’ Wil Wheaton Plushie, I have received word that they are on schedule to begin shipping in November. More info as I know…fo.

Welcome To The Rock

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!!

Show Us On The Trilogy Where George Hurt You - funny star wars t-shirt, george lucas shirt, star wars parody

I like to imagine that if Jorge Garcia and Sam Niel backed out of J.J. AbramsAlcatraz due to extreme insulaphobia, the producers would just go down the list of combination Lost and Jurrasic Park stars. First they would ask Matthew Fox and Jeff Goldblum, then Evangeline Lily and Laura Dern until they eventually settled on the guy that played Boone and the bottom half of an animatronic triceratops.

I watched the two episode premiere of Alcatraz and I definitely enjoyed it. It seems to be the J.J. Abrams show that has learned from the mistakes (real and perceived) of previous J.J. Abrams shows. It is a serialized mystery like LOST, but they have clearly planned out a trajectory for the show as opposed to “let’s keep doing crazy shit and hope it all works out in the end.” I say this only because there is no way he would pitch another show with no endgame after the complete shit-bagel that was the final three seasons of LOST. It also relies on the LOSTesque “present day/ flashbacks” plot device to tell it’s 50 year spanning story. It worked for the first few seasons of LOST and I expect it to work for this show as long as they don’t lose themselves trying to make TOO MANY interweaving back stories in the flashbacks.

Despite the fact that I think Fringe is the best show on television, period, I know that there are aspects of it that have scared off a mass audience and even universal adoption among geeks and sci-fi fans. Chief among them are the show’s “bad guy/experiment gone wrong of the week” elements overshadowing the overall story arch and vice versa. With a show like Fringe, or the X-Files or now Alcatraz striking a balance between episodic story and seasonal story is key to maintaining audience interest without leading to frustration. Alcatraz has laid the groundwork for a pretty flexible mix between the two that should lend itself to compelling stories with a fair amount of payoff vs. new questions. Since the premise depends on some 250+ inmates, guards and personel coming back from the past (seemingly one at a time) there should be room for a nice mix of “there’s a new murderer on the loose,” “there’s an inmate that we can feel sympathetic toward,” “hey, now there’s  a guard and we need to help him find closure,” and due to the large numer of returning baddies they should be able to do the occasional ep featuring groups of them coming to the present to cause trouble.

Of couse, I might be just overly optimistic that Bad Robot is going to take everything they’ve learned from making (mostly) high quality television over the last decade and put that knowledge to good use. As a frustrated fan of LOST and an evangelist for Fringe, the “right things to do” seem obvious to me. Then again, I don’t make TV shows.

Speaking of people that make TV shows and J.J. Abrams, my dear friend Amy is now a writer/executive producer on Bad Robot’s Person Of Interest. It premiered at a time that I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of the amount of TV I was already watching, but I have only heard good things about the show. I need to start watching and get caught up.

COMMENTERS: What did you think of Alcatraz? Good start, shows potential or pass?  How exactly has their island time effected Hurley and Dr. Grant’s daily lives? What other combination of LOST/Jurassic Park cast members should be on Alcatraz, or any other show for that matter? How about an CSI spin-off starring Anna Lucia and Nedry? She’s the angry, drunk, tough-as-nails detective who keeps accidentally murdering people, and he’s the fat, bumbling forensic scientist that keeps getting acid spit into his face!

Speaking of other people that make TV showsJon Rogers makes a show called LeverageWil was a guest star on that show, during filming he got the whole cast saying/doing the “Sci-Five,” Aldis Hodge adlibbed one during the season finale (“The Last Dam Job”) and IT MADE IT IN! A phrase coined by one of my shirts, was uttered and acted out in a TV show that I watch. ON THE TV! What is that I don’t even…

The Immaculate Extinction Theory

Hereterrific? Heretacular? Either way, this is a church I would join. It’s like Christianity meets Turok, meets “Kill Bill.”

Denise unwittingly inspired today’s comic by sharing this image with me.  It reminded me of a book I had as a child called “Dinosaurs and the Bible.” It was sort of like “batshit nuts propaganda for kids.” It explained how a few vague passages of scripture, a painting or two and a poem here and there proved that dinosaurs only died out about 3000 years ago. Dinosaurs were in the garden of Eden (please make this into a movie), and were on the Ark, and so forth and so on.

I encourage you to excercise your right to worship as you please, believe as you wish and whistle while you work, but if you think the entirty of Earth’s history fits into a neat little 6000 year span, you should probably stop reading this and (to paraphrase the poet) “go pound nails in your dick.”

My wife had a “science” text book at her private school that offered the idea that God put the dinosaur bones in the earth to test our faith. It also suggested that carbon dating was not to be trusted. I’m sure they had issues with the “theory” of gravity too. I believe we stick to the Earth because our hair is so heavy. That’s why bald people can fly. Look it up.


Intense Debate is having problems and I’m not getting comment notifications via email right now. 

Jurassic Park 4: Freakin’ Dinosaurs with Freakin’ Laser Beams

The pitch meeting goes something like this:

First Guy: How about we strap guns to the dinosaurs heads like in that 80’s cartoon DinoRiders!
Studio Exec. Guy: I love it! Get this man a solid gold prostitute!

Lesson 1: You stupid motherfuckers. Stop reanimating dinosaurs. It always leads to disaster.

After seeing Jurassic Park in middle school, I fully believed in that dinosaurs could be be reborn by having rain forest frogs hump mosquito DNA in a petri dish. But even at that tender age I assumed that the only reason no one was running out to collect frogs and mosquito blood and some Barry White CD’s was that once they succeeded all of their friends and family would get eaten.

Kindly refer back to Lesson 1. That’s the only lesson of that movie. That and to reinforce that when Samuel L. Jackson is NOT the star of the movie he WILL be killed by a dinosaur or a mutant shark or a by a Sith Lord. He will not survive to regale you with tales of how he narrowly escaped the dinosaurs and sharks and such. Wasn’t he in Sphere too?

Anyway, the point is after your Dino-speriments go all haywire and eat everybody on your island once, don’t keep putting them on an island and expecting positive results.

The Lost Word: Jurassic Park (0r JP2 ) started the downward trend for this franchise. Honestly. the Jurassic Park Sega Genesis game was 100 times better than this movie (you could play as the raptor!).

Jurassic Park 3: Raptors develop language. The language of love. And only William H. Macey can teach them to conjugate those verbs… I’ev got nothing… nevermind.

As for the comic, why didn’t I go with DinoRiders? Too obvious. Too easy. Plus Dinosaucers was a much better cartoon with a far superior theme song. You want a perfect scenario? You, your sister and your two teenage douchebag friends are hanging out on a mountain somewhere (probably getting high) and fucking dinosaurs from outer space land in a space ship, deputize you in their secret war, give you magic rings, rad letterman jackets AND hover bikes. Fuck Captain Planet. This is the team I want to join.