Jurassic Park 4: Freakin’ Dinosaurs with Freakin’ Laser Beams


The pitch meeting goes something like this:

First Guy: How about we strap guns to the dinosaurs heads like in that 80’s cartoon DinoRiders!
Studio Exec. Guy: I love it! Get this man a solid gold prostitute!

Lesson 1: You stupid motherfuckers. Stop reanimating dinosaurs. It always leads to disaster.

After seeing Jurassic Park in middle school, I fully believed in that dinosaurs could be be reborn by having rain forest frogs hump mosquito DNA in a petri dish. But even at that tender age I assumed that the only reason no one was running out to collect frogs and mosquito blood and some Barry White CD’s was that once they succeeded all of their friends and family would get eaten.

Kindly refer back to Lesson 1. That’s the only lesson of that movie. That and to reinforce that when Samuel L. Jackson is NOT the star of the movie he WILL be killed by a dinosaur or a mutant shark or a by a Sith Lord. He will not survive to regale you with tales of how he narrowly escaped the dinosaurs and sharks and such. Wasn’t he in Sphere too?

Anyway, the point is after your Dino-speriments go all haywire and eat everybody on your island once, don’t keep putting them on an island and expecting positive results.

The Lost Word: Jurassic Park (0r JP2 ) started the downward trend for this franchise. Honestly. the Jurassic Park Sega Genesis game was 100 times better than this movie (you could play as the raptor!).

Jurassic Park 3: Raptors develop language. The language of love. And only William H. Macey can teach them to conjugate those verbs… I’ev got nothing… nevermind.

As for the comic, why didn’t I go with DinoRiders? Too obvious. Too easy. Plus Dinosaucers was a much better cartoon with a far superior theme song. You want a perfect scenario? You, your sister and your two teenage douchebag friends are hanging out on a mountain somewhere (probably getting high) and fucking dinosaurs from outer space land in a space ship, deputize you in their secret war, give you magic rings, rad letterman jackets AND hover bikes. Fuck Captain Planet. This is the team I want to join.