I Want You To Curve The Bullshit

News Version: Morgan Freeman crashed a car and had to pried out with the jaws of life.
True Version: Lucious Fox was testing a new TUMBLER for Bruce Wayne and had a problem merging.

News Version: Shia Labeouf got drunk and wrapped his car around a tree, crush his hand and may lose a finger.
True Version: Bumblebee got drunk on Energon Cubes, kidnapped Labeouf, wrapped himself around a tree and bit off Shia’s hand in a drunken fit.

Come on, Angelina! Society craves suffering in 3’s! Give is the hat-trick! I actually feel bad about making light of Morgan Freeman‘s recent hardships. He’s proved himself to be a badass or more than one occaision (let’s not speak of “The Bucket List.”)

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30 Comments

  1. Dammit Joel, your prophecy has come to pass. Bernie Mac is dead, and we did not take heed of your warning. Are you the new version of Nostradamus?

  2. You know if a T-rex suddenly appeared or was found, I'd be shocked. But if a T-rex suddenly appeared or was discovered and attacked a celebrity in some odd way I'd be less shocked.

  3. Wait, Morgan was also in Wanted too, lest you forget. If Wanted had been worse I'd say we're seeing fate fight back for bad summer movies and Harrison Ford and anyone who ever animated a monkey swinging on vines would also be in trouble, but Wanted was surprisingly ok. Yes, I shall now have to go back and eat my forum words before I saw the movie about how it sucks they dropped the supervillians premise. I'll take them with Horsey-sauce please.

  4. "Very tiny explosion" ftw. I wanna see a summer action movie that only has very tiny explosions: The Return of the Itsy-Bitsy Mummy" or "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Lollypops."

  5. I would enjoy a wallpaper-sized image of Penguin-Josh teetering his way across a frozen tundra. Seriously, though, a tiny detail in panel 2 that made laugh as hard as the whole strip.

  6. Well at least now Bay can spend $20 million to cgi a finger. But seriously though I would rather have karma teach Lucas not to be a molesting fuck instead of it trying to teach LaBoof not to be such a douche.

    PS. I love the way in panel four you set up Josh to either seizure out in a possible next panel or face melt ala Raiders.

  7. Looks like Josh had a tiny 'splosion and lost a finger in panel #4. Or maybe it was Bummm-ble Bee +Josh + tree instead of Shia "The Beef."

  8. I think Bay will only spend $2 million on the finger cgi, and have Labeouf's Transformers movie dog bite off the finger in a pain-pill-fuelled-rage about 16mins into the new movie! Think = Hope!

  9. They always have three fingers…
    Unless you were being funny and working in a joke, in which case… Haha!
    "The Beef" made me chuckle, not heard that one before

    • "The Beef," lol!

      Pretty sure the translation from the French would be "The Cow," though. XD From what little I remember of my high school French, "la boeuf" would be a reference to the animal from which meat comes.

      And no, not a bull. XD Not with the "La" in front of it… XD Poor guy. THIS close to having a cool name!

      Seriously, "LaBoeuf"? WTH?

  10. Morgan was in Wanted because he is in EVERY FILM EVER. Think Hitchcock, but much more subtle. His Faustian plan is to bind a piece of his soul into each one so that as long as somebody somewhere is watching one of his movies, he can never die. The car crash was an unforseen backlash, as so many people were simultaneously watching Dark Knight that he temporarily glimpsed Nirvana while his earthly shell happened to be at the wheel of a large automobile.

  11. If you didn't know, Shia LeBeouf allegedly (or actually) translates to "Praise The Beef" in two languages mixed (french and hebrew?)

    I just call him LeDouche.

    I think someone, whoever it was, said it best when they said "Shia Lebeouf isn't the next Tom Hanks. People think he is the next Tom Hanks because Steven Spielberg SAYS he's the next Tom Hanks."

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