Draggin’ Balls Zzz…

Every single aspect of “Dragonball: Evolution is a giant turdtacular crapgasm. The only reason this movie is even on my radar is the fact that Spike James Marsters Spike is playing the boss fight, Lord Piccolo. I’m all for Buffy alums getting work, but seeing him in this (or rather knowing he’s in this while making sure I NEVER actually see it) makes me a little sad.

Despite how low rent the trailers and other advertising make “Dragonball” seem, I bet if they had managed to release this in 2002 it would have done astoundingly well. At that time the Dragonball property was what analysts refer to as a “CASHterfuck.” Meaning that it was a seemingly worthless concept that, against all reason, generated cash that could only be measured with comically large scales.

The DBZ fad is over and kids have moved on to more Pokemons or Narutos or knife fights or whatever kids care about now. I saw a few episodes of “Dragonball Z” when it first started to air in the states. I was mezmerized by the fact that entire episodes would pass while nothing had actually happened on screen. It was a lot like “Heroes” in that respect. More grunting, less Grunberg though. True story: my first flirtation with voice acting was auditioning for “Dragonball Z.” It was dubbed for the US by FUNimation here in Ft. Worth. I read for several parts and at one point I was in the running for some sort of cat or something, but in the end I didn’t make the cut. I knew the cartoon was shit, but I certainly would have liked to add “voice for weird space cat on national cartoon show” to my creative resume.

Do you want to see “DB: Evolution” just to witness the trainwreck? Or do you think it might actually hold some genuine intertainment value? I plan to stear clear, but leave your thoughts in the comments.

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94 Comments

  1. I have no interest. Plus the name makes is sound like it's a sequel and I'm having a hard time convincing ppl that it's the first one (to the point they claim to actually 'remember' the other one coming out…ppl r weird…)

  2. Entertainment value? 5 words: Jamie Chung and Emmy Rossum. Of course, this is the level of entertainment value best acquired through something that rhymes with "BitTorrent"…

  3. I think DBZ might have been better if you were on it, Joel. We could hear you do awesome voices years ago. But you'd have shit material to work with. Considering the people they ended up hiring, I can't help but be curious as to the way these auditions work.

    Of course, anything that isn't Dragonball (no Z, the original one) is considered shit. Can you believe that I started watching DBZ during the start of one arc (Majin Buu) and I don't think I ever saw how it ended. I spent what felt like months watching someone charge up, and not in the jokey way haters say the show is like. He was getting energy for a spirit bomb from all the people in the world.

    As a voice actor, what actual VA work have you done besides BiA? Or is it just a hobby?

  4. I quite enjoyed DBZ when I was younger and could download and watch hours at a time on the net, but I wouldn't sit and watch it week after week as a fight unfurls over about eight eps. Movie looks shit. Comic looks ace. Nuff said.

  5. I quite enjoyed DBZ when I was younger and could download and watch hours at a time on the net, but I wouldn't sit and watch it week after week as a fight unfurls over about eight eps. Movie looks shit.
    This comic is ace.
    I now want an enormous golden shiny beard.
    Nuff said.

  6. Will probably check out the movie, in the way Rich suggests. Might be good for a laugh, in a shitty-movie-night kind of way. Then again, it might not. I can probably stomach it, though; I have suffered through many a crappy movie, but usually cuz I didn't want the wife to get upset on the off chance that she was enjoying it. I think she's gotten better at letting me know when she's also suffering, though – none of us were able to finish the latest Mummy movie.

    On a vaguely related note, I've only seen a few minutes of Dragonball Z, and was violently unimpressed, but I have read the entire run of the actual Dragonball manga.

  7. Oh my, I hope the 'Ballz disaster never gets a cinema release over here. When the original manga came out in Finnish, there was sort of an uproar about it being child pornography (judged by people who never read it, just saw couple out-of context panels).. Maybe we could remind the moralists about that scandal and thus prevent the movie coming to our theatres. Or something.
    I do love the occasional trainwreckage, but I'd probably still prefer, say, Plan 9 to this. At least that's a classic!

    -D

  8. i don't know or care about dragonball, but i love your and eli's hair in this – awesome art! only josh is back to looking like a truck driver and not actually like josh. minus two points!

  9. This should have come out 10 years ago when Dragon Ball was the big thing that people followed (I think it might have even been a hit before Pokemon took over). I'm just glad they don't have Vegeta in the movie so his character is safe from being mutated into something with the same name and no other resemblance. The Master Roshi in the film is neither old nor does he seem perverted. Piccolo isn't green until later. Goku's human, not an alien. And where the heck is Krillen?

    If you want to see a semi-decent (the characters are closer to the anime) live-action version, I'd check out 'Xin qi long zhu' aka 'Dragonball: The Magic Begins'. Tiny budget, unimpressive special effects, but I bet it's a whole lot better than the one that'll be coming out.

    • Honestly, if they HAD made this movie at the height of Dragonball's popularity there probably would have been a fan uproar over them taking so many liberties with the franchise.

  10. I want to remake Plan 9. I think it would be fantastic with today's technology.

    The premise and story is really very cool and wouldn't be out of place with some of the other preposterous Zombie movies we've had over the years.

  11. I'm going to watch it just because it'll make the part of me that's stuck in middle school VERY happy.

    I'm going to be very drunk when I watch it, so the rest of me can be happy.

  12. The only reason I would want to see this at all would be to service my high school crush on James Marsters but I doubt the nostalgia would be worth it. Also, I'm pretty sure seeing this movie would destroy said crush and then it would all have been for naught.

  13. I plan to steer clear of this crap-tastic movie. Hell i'd watch street fighter: legend of chun li before i even set foot near the theater for this steaming pile. Had it come out 7 years ago when i was actually interested in the show that would have been a completely different story.

  14. Two awesome Josh Beard comics in a roooow! Intense Debate will not let me log in in IEEEEEEEE! Blond mexican is such a mindfuck…

    • It's obvious that you're not aware that about 50% of the gene pool in northern Mexico is made up of Caucasian descendants; hell, I have green eyes and fair skin and about 1/3 of my friends from Mexico are whiter than me. Now, if you specified something about D.F. or Yucatan I would agree with the "mindfuck" statement.

  15. I plan on checking it out because I figure either it will be so awful it will be hilarious (the so called “so bad it’s good” effect) or actually decent. Either way it should be interesting to see exactly how they did it and who in their right mind would try to adapt something like DBZ to live action.

  16. The only way I would see this in theaters is at an insanely late viewing or drunk or both. I do want to see it sometime with a group of friends (cause unfortunately we were all fans at one time) and just tear it apart.

  17. I was a DBZ fan in high school, so a part of me is quite curious to see this movie. Enough to pay the price of a movie ticket? No. Matinee price? Depends… have I run out of video games, online videos, DVDs, porn, board games, friends, family, pets, enemies, animals, trees, sunshine, animal crackers, voices in my head, fingers and toes? I have? Shit…. okay, I'll go.
    The only way I'd go to the theater to see this is if me and my friends go in the middle of the day and MST3K the hell out of it. Otherwise, I already subscribe to Netflix. I'll check it out when it's on DVD and feel guilty about it the next morning.

  18. I probably won't see DB:E. I almost definitely won't see it in the theater, anyway, unless something magical happens to it – like they get more money from their production company to completely redo the movie or something.

    BTW, Spike is awesome. I loved Angel (the show, not David Boreanaz) and Spike was great on it.

    PS – Holy shit! I just looked up James Marsters on IMDB (while I was trying to verify the correct spelling of "Boreanaz") and found out that he's older than my mom! That's crazy. Also, he's not British.

  19. I agree that this should have been released five or so years ago when DBZ was at its most popular.
    I might see it, eventually, but it'll be in a form in which I'm not paying any money for it.

  20. I couldn't stand DBZ when it was originally running on TV. As a die-hard fan of Sailor Moon (then, and to a smaller extent now), I found it unforgivable how Draggin' Ballz was SO immensely popular that it eclipsed Sailor Moon. Now in retrospect, both shows had their equal amounts of cheese–they just pandered to different crowds.

    So as you can probably guess, I will NOT be viewing this movie, regardless of the format.

    And as a sidenote–I admittedly have a sort of dyslexia/ADD thing where whenever I read a webcomic, I have to force myself to not look at the last panel out of sequence. When I saw this one, I tried averting my eyes, however, at first glance, I thought Josh's DB beard was actually back hair.

  21. Josh should know that you can't wish for hollywood to stop making shitty movies. Any reputable Genie will tell you you can't make people fall in love, can't kill, can't raise people from the dead and can't stop bad movies from being made. Not even a monkey's paw will let you do that! He should wish for something practicle like and infinite bacon cannon.

  22. I'm sure it'll show up on one of those "watch bootleg movies online" sites out there. They're great for watching those crappy movies so that you don't have to give bad movie makers a dime.

  23. Josh can come make a delivery to my house any time he wants if he's gonna be a trucker with that beard 😉

    I love Eli & especially Joel's expression in the last panel too.

    And no… no DBZ for me. I've seen about 20 seconds of the show, and I want those back…

  24. Josh should know that you can't wish for hollywood to stop making shitty movies. Any reputable Genie will tell you you can't make people fall in love, can't kill, can't raise people from the dead and can't stop bad movies from being made. Not even a monkey's paw will let you do that! He should wish for something practicle like an infinite bacon cannon.

  25. Marsters…my gods man, I know Buffy and Angel are now old history, but for fuck's sake man, have some sense of SELF-WORTH!

    New Star Wars would be a step up from this crap! And I'm counting all 4 new SW movies, including the CGI TV pilot shown in cinemas!

    • Captain John Hart in Torchwood.

      Makes up for any DBZ injustice, especially if your gf likes both Spike/Marsters and Captain Jack Harkness/John Barrowman – watch "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" with her and reap all the benefits!!

  26. I'm torn. I loved the DB series. I have watched every episode of all three series (but only one movie). I'd also hate to see Chow Yun-Fat in a flop film. This movie, however, looks exactly what I would expect if someone who doesn't watch anime decided to milk an anime cashcow a few years after everyone else got off that teat. I mean come on. There are more serious flaws to this movie than any of the animated movies. So as much as I love the series and some of the actors, the repulsion of everything I have seen thus far is making me dry heave.

    On a side note, it looks like Josh might be ssj 3 while the others are 1. Leave it to him to go above and beyond.

  27. there was a lot of "kiddy sexuality" cut out of the series before they were broadcast in america. Apparantly a running joke was people pointing and laughing at young Goku's (or Gohan's?) penis.

  28. He was in his mid 40's when he was boffing Buffy. He looks young for his age, but he said its one of the reasons he wont be able to play an "ageless vampire" again. His age is starting to show.

  29. I started watching DBZ since I was 14 when it was on Cartoon Network's Toonami block, then it's prequel (GASP!) series DragonBall, a few of the movies, & the sequel (GAH!) series on-&-off. Many of my friends from High school are hardcore anime FREAKS who lived, breathed, & joked about DBZ. The only concievable reason we would watch this steaming-turd-to-be is for the sole purpose of eviscerating it later on teh interwebz. And we would only get in by sneaking into it after watching something we willingly PAID for, like Wolverine. And we would smuggle in some Jack Daniels in the theater to make a drinking game of watching the visual excrement that will be DB:E.

  30. When I was a teenager and always high, DBZ was the greatest thing ever. I will see the movie with my friends when it comes to theaters, as part of a bad movie night field trip.

  31. I've seen pictures of the movies premiere (in Korea, oddly enough), and James has a very "do I really need the money this bad" look on his face in most of them.

  32. Well, there is a GOOD anime adaptation coming out someday. Specifically, Jame's Cameron's adaptation of

    Personally, I would love to see a live-action Kinnikuman, which would be pretty much like the WWE on acid. Or an adaptation of Hakaba/Gegege no Kitaro by Tim Burton.

  33. its fine enough for this sort of post to exist as a comment, but for a major (atleast i like to think so) webcomic that i used to respect, ive finally lost it. and i cant believe this hasnt been said yet;

    its NOT dragonball Z. DB:E is a retelling of dragonball, not draongball Z. its a different FECKING show. theres no super saiyan, theres no vegeta, and theres NO super long power up yells that go for 5 episodes at a time. why cant you ignorant people get this thru ur mind?! every reason you hate this movie, doesnt exist!

    the director, and main cast are all fans of the manga/anime, including james marsters.

    i mean seriously, its bad enough to have a opinion of a movie that you havent seen yet, but to have a opinion on a movie that you know nothing about, thats just sad. its like hating serenity because it had too many daffodils in shot.

    /end rant

  34. Calm down dude. Ive seen the trailer and I think it looks like a crappy, low budget movie. Big deal. This is what I do. I make fun of stuff that I see and draw comics about it. Its all cool, until I make fun of something you happen to actually like. its going to happen occasionally because we dont have the same taste. They call them "jokes" for a reason. So you wont take them that seriously.

  35. not entirely, i really dont mind various other jokes u do in regards to shows and stuff i like. your allowed to have ur own opinion. but not if that opinion is based on facts entirely formed in your mind. its just the ignorance of the thing that ticks me off.

    and for the record, i kinda of think DB:E will be crappy anyway. the whole teen movie vibe im getting from it feels like a bad idea.

    looking back at my post; this is a "its not you, its me" type of dealio, usually i brush off these kinds of jokes about the movie, this blog post was just the final straw. esp because of it being on the main page of a site i frequent and not just a comment.

    again i stick by my 'hating serentiy because it had too much [insert arbitrary object that actually isnt in the movie here]' analogy. one more thing, serenity = my favorite movie of all time.

  36. Hahaha, I just noticed how stunned Joel still is in the fifth panel from the idea of a 4th season of Arrested Development. Nice.

    And DBZ's not the only anime show that dragged things out forever. I swear Pokemon used to spend about a month's worth of new episodes showing Ash trying to catch one creature.

    …Oh, crap. Please please PLEASE, movie people, do not make a live-action Pokemon movie. *shudders*

  37. Might I suggest the T-shirt reads "We'z in ur TV"?

    It's all good though, and I really doubt I'll be bothering with the movie – I'm not even curious enough to inflict such pain.

  38. Cheers! Knew it was more than once because he [spoiler free for the folk here yet to see it]. That's what I call a sticky situation! XD

  39. I think the trailer looks pretty entertaining. Maybe that's just me; sometimes I can't tell the movies I enjoy ironically from the ones I enjoy.

    Comico Excellente.

    Oh, and what did you think of Dollhouse? I haven't caught a podblog or a spincast or whatever it is you did to talk about Dollhouse

  40. Oh, I was a big Dragonball/DBZ fan…when I was like…14. Still watch it from time to time just for nostalgia…. This movie looks like shit. The whole idea of NOT putting a leading Japanese or Chinese actor in this movie does not compute. Also…I adore James Marsters as an actor…I really do…but…he is not Piccolo(who happened to be my fav charactr in the series). It just doesn't sit well with me. I will probably "find" this movie floating in the vast terain of the internet, but I wouldn't pay to see it.

    • James Marsters isn't playing Piccolo, he's playing Lord Piccolo, Piccolo's oft forgotten evil father from the series "Dragonball". The more you know!

  41. How many Dragon ball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? …
    just one but it'll take 7 episodes

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