A Long Term Commitment

Team Edward [James Olmos] Shirts at Topatoco!

NEW HE PODCAST [episode 78] IS HERE! Hours of extra podcast are HERE for Vault Subscribers.

In case you weren’t nervous about the future of humanity as a whole, please know there are people [REAL ACTUAL PEOPLE] who have signed Billion Year Contracts with a science fiction religion. Now sleep, children. Sleep comfortably in the knowledge that we, as a species, are too stupid to survive much longer.

COMMENTERS: What are some of the sci-fi stipulations of the Scientology Sea Org’s Billion Year Contract? Is there a non-refundable security deposit on your space pod? Do you get to upgrade to a new Operating Thetan level ever two years as long as your account is in good standing?

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21 Comments

    • You must recruit 2 red shirts, 4 storm troopers, or 6 cybernetic beings (of type as noted in Paragraph 56.2 of Subsection 42, labeled "Elgibile Non-Organic Replacement Workers"), before you get upgraded to the next level.
      Unfortunately, the recruitment numbers go up from there, afterwhich it's just simpler to try to breed them yourself (looking at you Katie), or use a hypno-toad on them during one of your movies.

  1. Failure to pay dues, or canceling the contract will incur a heavy fine, which is being forced to watch Battlefield Earth –A Clockwork Orange style– for the rest of your life.

  2. You get your TARDIS taken from you and are forced to work for a British Brigadeer with a questionable military record while wearing a foofy tuxedo Jerry Seinfeld wouldn't touch. You can earn back your good standing but it involves doing something very nasty with an 18-foot-long scarf and a bag of jellybabies… The food must be pretty bad too – you end up pinning celery to your suit and years later your favorite food is fish sticks and custard.

  3. Could be worse, had this “religion” been in an actual sci-fi plot, everyone would believe it, it would be effectual, and, of course, doing something evil.

  4. This comic could result in being sued… because somehow Scientology is above the mocking that all other religions receive. (See South Park + Scientology)
    There's a reason why all the credits on that South Park episode are John Smith.
    (I am not a Scientologist, I'm just saying be careful. They don't appreciate mocking, because their gods didn't imbue them with a sense of humor.)

  5. Failure to adhere to contract standards may include, but is not limited to: banishment to the 5th dimension, seventeen and a half hours of uninterrupted Vogon poetry, imprisonment in the Phantom Zone, kneeling before Zod, interrectal hamster confinement, impregnation via xenomorph, flying into the danger zone, cohabitation with the Joker at Arkham, death by Snoo-Snoo, adamantium catheter, and/or fine not to exceed $50.

  6. My biggest issue with the contract is they outsourced the customerservice line to space Empanada's and you just understand a damn thing they say.

  7. Hey! Being a pilot is awesome!!
    You owe all pilots an apology for comparing us to Travolta.

    …and let me tell you about this one time I was on short final for runway two eight….

  8. In the last panel, Josh mentions the punishment of being in a room with John Travolta for 3-4 days. How many hours of pilot talk before he asks you for a "massage? *shudder*

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