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S.W.A.T. (Swedish Weapons and Torrents)

When you think pirates these days, you conjure images of flamboyantly foppish fellows, beards beaded and doo-ragged domes. I comment today not on those sea fairing swashbuckling skalewags, but rather the dastardly digital do-bads downloading documents, data, dance music and DVD dupes.

I just dropped some alliteration science on your asses. Brain mouth words tired have now.

…rebooting…

The Jolly Roger waivers at the Pirate Bay are in some hot meatball sauce with the Swedish Government. Sweden, often known as the land of lawlessness and cheap, ready-to-assemble furniture has finally decided that creating an online portal for the sole purpose of allowing users to take and use software and media they haven’t paid for is somehow morally ambiguous. Possibly illegal!

The eyepatchers and pegleggers claim:

  1. They aren’t making the gigantic stacks of cash (what do the Swedish use for currency? Carp? Slacks? Children? Tufts of hair?) and
  2. They can never be stopped for their reach extends beyond the four corners of the (round) earth and into the very internets we breath.

I’m not passing judgement on what’s right or wrong, just what is legal. File sharing copyrighted material (even making a mix tape) is illegal. Fair use be damned. The law is clear. These are not laws I agree with, but they are real and carry serious consequences when ignored.

If they really have scattered their servers world wide, I certainly wouldn’t suggest that the Swedes or the RIAA or the MPAA or the producers of “Ugly Betty” and “Grey’s Anatomy” check Josh’s file server. There’s no reason he should be on their radar. He doesn’t have season after season of high quality HD-rips of every show imaginable. He just doesn’t.

Part 2 of this comic will deal with the aftermath of the raid and Josh’s inevitable prosecution and incarceration. What’s with all the continuity lately?

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P.S.

Sorry for missing Monday’s comic, but it was important that I get the podcast edited, uploaded, etc so you guys could enjoy it. Thanks for all the support and feedback regarding the Podcast. We have fun doing the show and plan to record episode 2 this Saturday. The process of editing and uploading should go MUCH faster this time. Don’t forget to email questions to podcast(at)hijinksensue(dot)com.

The head’s name is Jor L. Ron


The Tom Cruise Trilogy (as it will forever be known) has come to it’s logical conclusion… that L. Ron Hubbard was a human vessel housing the soul of an evil alien Galactic Emperor, and Tom Cruise made a baby (emphasis on “made” because I’m thinking there was a space lab involved) in order for him to recorporialize and dominate this sector of space. Logical.

Truthfully, read that first paragraph, then read up on Scientology. Is it ANY crazier than what they actually believe?

I’m glad this trilogy is over and I can get back to making fun of Lost and Steve Jobs and Star Trek, etc, etc. Glad only because the concept of Tom Cruise as a magical super hero was starting to consume my being. I would wake up in the middle of the night, tearing at my flesh and screaming Tom-comic ideas at the moon.

Here are a few that I considered before going with “The Fortress of Scientologitude“:

  • L. Ron is Darth Siddious, Tom is Anakin, Thetans are Midichlorians. The story writes itself. Tom strangles Katie Holmes with his mind and she dies during silent child birth. Tom fights (I dunno) Val Kilmer on a lava world and his scorched remains are transplanted into a cyborg body. “NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo!”
  • L. Ron is Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia. He lives in a painting and he wants to posses Katie’s child that he may rule for 1000 years. There’s a river of pink slime under the city, yadda yadda yadda, and Tom Cruise pilots a beheaded Statue of Liberty to save the day. This is similar to the direction I went but had great potential for for a Bobby Brown theme song over the end credits.
  • Tom is the Commander of a disputed space station orbiting a war torn planet, and he is also the emmisary of their wormhole dwelling god-aliens. L. Ron is a Cardassian military leader that rose to political power during war time, and Katie is a refugee from the occupied planet turned resistence fighter. Ummm…John Travolta is a shape shifter with unknown origins, and his people have an army of mind-programmed clones. Let’s say Kirstie Alley plays the station.

Honestly, this one wouldn’t have been funny because it’s too close to the truth.

I want to make a desktop from the Tom Cruise Trilogy. Any suggestions? I also REALLY want to do a podcast. Would you listen? Let me know.

Tom Cruise could defeat a Balrog

I think I’ve pretty much said my piece on Tom Cruise, so I will dispense with any additional rant and simply continue with the story of how he remembers saving New York city on September 11th, 2001.

I’m really having fun exploring the idea that Tom Cruise has basically every magical or super power and can recall them at will. I also like establishing that he is simultaneously an ageless wizard, a crime fighter, a Christ figure and a douche barrel of inordinate magnitude.

I realized when writing this story that I was going to have to account for where the towers went (because even Tom knows they aren’t there any more). In an earlier draft Tom Cruise lets out a Banshee-like wail and reduces the towers to rubble himself. He does this to remove the temptation for future terrorist attacks. He was also going to slide into NY on an ice bridge a la Iceman, but there are only so many panels. And, really, you can’t get any more pimp than a giant eagle. You pull up to a club in a magical eagle and they let you right in. Oh, and I realize in panel 3 Tom Cruise would have to be like 40 ft tall to be proportionate to the plane. That’s not a mistake. He’s just that powerful.

Tom Cruise is terrifyingly insane

Tom Cruise is a super hero from outer space with unlimited cosmic power. The only downside is that he serves a dark master bent on devouring the world and extinguishing all life… is Tom Cruise the Silver Surfer?

My hatred of Tom Cruise courses black through my veins like crude oil. It poisons my soul and robs it of all joy. I will never take him seriously as an actor or a human being because he bases his entire life philosophy on the idea that a galactic despot brainwashed, then h-bombed billions of aliens inside of volcanoes trillions of year ago and now they are stuck in our bodies and that’s why we get depressed some times.

I loved the “Scientology Indoctrination video” that’s been showing up online this week (and Jerry O’Connell’s response). I love it for the fact that it shows beyond a shadow of a doubt what a smarmy, shallow, “glib,” mind-fucked little shit Tom Cruise actually is. I especially LOVE that he claims to have helped people after 9/11, despite really doing the opposite. And I LOVE LOVE that he says being a Scientologist somehow grants you the wherewithal and physical strength to be “the only one that can help” when you see a car accident:

Tom Cruise is driving down the freeway in a black BMW. His Sciento-sense starts to tingle as a sees a 4 car pile up just ahead. He skids to a halt and leaps through the roof of his sedan, flying high in the air and landing in the middle of the twisted wreckage rippling the asphalt beneath him. He is calm. “Stand back, emergency workers,” he announces, “Put down your jaws-of-life and crowbars. I am a Scientologist.” A collective gasp is audible as the gathered crowd of firemen, paramedics and onlookers collectively take 3 steps back. “Give him room,” a fireman says, “let him do his work.”

Tom Cruise makes his way through the wreckage to the first vehicle. The smoke is thick and parching, but he can sense a woman, mid-thirties, is still alive. He claps his hands together once then parts them as if brushing back curtains. The smoke lifts. He is using his mind to keep the woman’s vitals stable. Her blood pressure and heart rate are approaching normal. She is experiencing his mixture of science and love. His Scientology.

He closes his eyes and takes two handfuls of the twisted metal encasing the woman. Anne is her name. She isn’t afraid. She is in the most capable hands in the world. The hands of a Scientologist. The hands of Tom Cruise. The car wrenches and shrieks as he cleaves the metal husk in twain. As if cracking an egg he deposits Anne safely on the ground, holding two halves of an automobile above his head. Tom Cruise heaves the vehicle skyward and it disappears; a speck over the horizon.

“How can I than…” Anne begins as a well manicured finger is pressed to her lips. “Your thanks isn’t necessary. I’m a Scientologist. This is what we do.”

-fin

Give that man a fucking medal.

I get the impression that most people think Scientology is just a crazy club for rich Hollywood weirdos. I’m hoping all that changes now that their insanity is receiving greater exposure. Secret documents have been popping up all over the place, and a hacker group is hell bent on laying waste to their entire organization. They might actually be succeeding… like today.

Anyway, until the day that we are all clear, there are no more SP‘s, and everyone is OT7 just remember to salute your portrait of LRH, use your tech, and KSW, KSW, KSW!