JoCo Cruise Crazy 3 Guest Comic By Chris Hallbeck Of Maximumble

JoCo Cruise Crazy 3 Guest Fortnight is over! We are safely docked somewhere in Alabama or Mississippi or one of the other states you are supposed to completely avoid. The passenger unload is going much faster than anticipated since we don’t have any luggage. I mean we HAVE luggage, but after 4 days without power or running water pretty much everything became a de facto toilet. We’ve drunk all the fresh water from our souvenir snow globes and boiled the shells from our souvenir necklaces to make a sort of broth we called Sea Juice. All in all this trip was 100 times better than the time I went to Branson.

If I may be ever so slightly serious for a moment, JoCo Cruise Crazy 3 was once again a transformative experience. I made new friends, strengthened old friendships, frolicked on tropical beaches with some of my favorite people and received world class entertainment every single day and night provided by some of the most wonderful funny people, musicians, and purveyors of talent that I have ever shared a floating mall-hotel with. If you are on the fence about going next year, GET OFF THAT DAMN FENCE! It’s a week of fun that you will never forget or regret. It’s crazy expensive, but what are you going to take with you when you die? Money or memories? (If they find a way to let you take money with you when you die, I will go back and amend this post, because… I mean, c’mon. That would be AWESOME.) I haven’t even gone through my photos yet, but if I do make Fancy Photo Comics of this trip I will post them somewhere besides the front page of the website so that those of you (heartless, joyless wretches) who do not enjoy them will not have to be unnecessarily burdened.

This final Guest Fortnight offering (on the theme of me accidentally getting on the wrong boat) comes from my friend Chris Hallbeck of Maximumble, Minimumble and his flagship comic The Book Of Biff. Chris and I are both parents of young children and seem to share many of the same ideas about raising a functional, exceptional human in a weird internet world and blah blah blah mushy frienship whatever HE MADE THIS SHIRT WHICH I THINK IS VERY FUNNY. Also this mug. Funny. Go buy those things.

As a little tag to Chris’s joke, I thought I would include this photo that I took in a shipboard karaoke booth with Wil Wheaton and John Scalzi. Somehow I knew it would come in handy. [click to embiggen]

Not Johnny's Boat



Wheaton Comic Dare: We Have To Go Back!

CRUISE FUNDRAISER: 85/100 prints are sold and it would be great to sell that last few remaining prints before the end of the year. I am also going to leave up the additional prints and print packs for sale until probably February in case you want to get in on that action.

Hey Sci-Fancy Bastards! Syfy Tv Movie Title Generator Shirts are almost gone from the HE store for good and they’re CRAZY CHEAP! Men’s are down to Sm and Med. Ladies sizes are more abundant.

You guys know the Weaton Comic Dare drill by now. He dared, Stepto jumped in, I responded and did my cartoonistly duty. Everybody wins. This comic hits a little too close to home. The home which I never leave. The home in which I rarely change out of my pajamas. The very same home where I go to bed at 7am and start my day around 3m. This is a weird job. Freelancers know what I’m talking about. Putting on pants just causes problems. Like having to know where pants are, or how to clean them. Serious problems.

Bid on an auction to APPEAR IN A HIJINKS ENSUE COMIC! It’s for charity! Only 4 days left!
And only 1 day left to bid on this sweet Webcomics Jam Poster.

My desire to prevent my friends from being dissappointed by LOST is the same as Lord Elrond’s desire to save his daughter Arwen from toiling in a mortal life only to die, when eternal paradise is only a boat ride away. The irony is he WANTED her to go the island. I’m trying to keep as many people off the Island as possible. It’s not that there was NOTHING to enjoy about LOST. In fact the first 3.5 seasons are some of the finest TV that’s every been TV’d. The problem is the steeeeeeeep drop in quality halfway through the 3rd season that just continually plummets to a dismal and unsatisfying conclusion. If you have the willpower (and most don’t) to watch the first 3.5 seasons then pretend it was cancelled, you might end up being the happiest geek alive. All of your questions will still never be answered, but at least you don’t have to experience the half-hearted nonsense of the back half of the show.

COMMENTERS: When I found out my friend Stepto was going to crash his plane into the island, I tried to sum up what was about to happen to him via Twitter. Turns out it only took 4 tweets. Have you ever tried to stop a friend from delving into disappointing  geekery? Did they do it anyway? Did they love it, despite you? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FRIEND!?

The Final Countdown

The Lil’ Wil Wheaton Plushie Pre-Sale STARTS TODAY HERE in the HE Store. The ONLY way to make sure you get one by the holidays is to order during the pre-sale. They’re $19.95 + shipping. Buy one for you, one for a friend and one to customize with a little fez or horrible spacesuit sweater!

Wil Wheaton Plushie from HijiNKS ENSUE, Wil Wheaton Plush toy doll

Responding to this tweet from @NicaRedHead gave me the idea for this comic. You see, my friend Wil has what science doers call “Hockey Brain.” It is a horribly debilitating condition that causes one to flail about uncontrollably, run around the house screaming and gesture incomprehensibly at the television. As of right now there is no cure and no one is currently working on a cure or doing any research on the subject. Luckily for sufferers and their families, symptoms seem to subside… oh, about right now. Science doers can not explain this sudden onset total remission, because they don’t know what channel the NHL is broadcast on and chances are they probably have it deprogrammed from their cable box anyway.

COMMENTERS: Do you or someone you love suffer from Hockey Brain? Can you explain it to me? How many downs are in an inning? Is the goal master allowed to throw his ice mallet like a javelin? Wouldn’t it be easier to play on grass or concrete? Ice seems like it would be quite slippery. I wonder if the Mayor of Sports Puck called to congratulate The Le’ Kings (must be a french team) on their victory against the Othertown Differentcolors.

Welcome To The Rock

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!!

Show Us On The Trilogy Where George Hurt You - funny star wars t-shirt, george lucas shirt, star wars parody

I like to imagine that if Jorge Garcia and Sam Niel backed out of J.J. AbramsAlcatraz due to extreme insulaphobia, the producers would just go down the list of combination Lost and Jurrasic Park stars. First they would ask Matthew Fox and Jeff Goldblum, then Evangeline Lily and Laura Dern until they eventually settled on the guy that played Boone and the bottom half of an animatronic triceratops.

I watched the two episode premiere of Alcatraz and I definitely enjoyed it. It seems to be the J.J. Abrams show that has learned from the mistakes (real and perceived) of previous J.J. Abrams shows. It is a serialized mystery like LOST, but they have clearly planned out a trajectory for the show as opposed to “let’s keep doing crazy shit and hope it all works out in the end.” I say this only because there is no way he would pitch another show with no endgame after the complete shit-bagel that was the final three seasons of LOST. It also relies on the LOSTesque “present day/ flashbacks” plot device to tell it’s 50 year spanning story. It worked for the first few seasons of LOST and I expect it to work for this show as long as they don’t lose themselves trying to make TOO MANY interweaving back stories in the flashbacks.

Despite the fact that I think Fringe is the best show on television, period, I know that there are aspects of it that have scared off a mass audience and even universal adoption among geeks and sci-fi fans. Chief among them are the show’s “bad guy/experiment gone wrong of the week” elements overshadowing the overall story arch and vice versa. With a show like Fringe, or the X-Files or now Alcatraz striking a balance between episodic story and seasonal story is key to maintaining audience interest without leading to frustration. Alcatraz has laid the groundwork for a pretty flexible mix between the two that should lend itself to compelling stories with a fair amount of payoff vs. new questions. Since the premise depends on some 250+ inmates, guards and personel coming back from the past (seemingly one at a time) there should be room for a nice mix of “there’s a new murderer on the loose,” “there’s an inmate that we can feel sympathetic toward,” “hey, now there’s  a guard and we need to help him find closure,” and due to the large numer of returning baddies they should be able to do the occasional ep featuring groups of them coming to the present to cause trouble.

Of couse, I might be just overly optimistic that Bad Robot is going to take everything they’ve learned from making (mostly) high quality television over the last decade and put that knowledge to good use. As a frustrated fan of LOST and an evangelist for Fringe, the “right things to do” seem obvious to me. Then again, I don’t make TV shows.

Speaking of people that make TV shows and J.J. Abrams, my dear friend Amy is now a writer/executive producer on Bad Robot’s Person Of Interest. It premiered at a time that I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of the amount of TV I was already watching, but I have only heard good things about the show. I need to start watching and get caught up.

COMMENTERS: What did you think of Alcatraz? Good start, shows potential or pass?  How exactly has their island time effected Hurley and Dr. Grant’s daily lives? What other combination of LOST/Jurassic Park cast members should be on Alcatraz, or any other show for that matter? How about an CSI spin-off starring Anna Lucia and Nedry? She’s the angry, drunk, tough-as-nails detective who keeps accidentally murdering people, and he’s the fat, bumbling forensic scientist that keeps getting acid spit into his face!

Speaking of other people that make TV showsJon Rogers makes a show called LeverageWil was a guest star on that show, during filming he got the whole cast saying/doing the “Sci-Five,” Aldis Hodge adlibbed one during the season finale (“The Last Dam Job”) and IT MADE IT IN! A phrase coined by one of my shirts, was uttered and acted out in a TV show that I watch. ON THE TV! What is that I don’t even…


HijiNKS ENSUE British Knights Shirt at TopatocoThere is a new HE Podcast. Download episode 77!

You can still order Ultimate Fancy Editions of HE Book 2 AND get your name in the book until I tell you otherwise. Could be a few more days, or longer. Not Sure Yet.

Feel free to use the new term I’ve invented, “paralleloquels,” to describe any movie that takes place in the same shared universe as it’s predecessor but isn’t a traditional sequel or prequel or threequel or fauxquel. I made that last one up too.

So Ridley Scott gets Damon Lindelof to rewrite the new Alien film only to have him come back with an original sci-fi screenplay that isn’t an “Alien” story but potentially takes place in the same continuity. Does anyone else get the feeling that Damon Lindelof just tries to solve every tough writing situation with a flash-sideways?  At the end of the film, is the heroine going to stumble, bloodied and beaten, into a space chapel only to find Ripley, Dallas, Bishop, Newt, Bill Paxton and the aliens hugging (or face-hugging) it out just before they embrace the abyss? Speaking of The Abyss, that water monster is probably there too. So are the ocean aliens from Deep Star Six, Kyle Reese and Wilfred Oatmeal McDiabeteStache from Cocoon.

COMMENTERS: Now that they aren’t doing the prequel, let’s speculate on what it should have been about? Also, let’s figure out what  movies would have been better franchise mashup partners with Alien than Predator. How about Look Who’s Talking? The aliens could have cutesy comments finding their own tails while still gestating in their human hosts. Of course Jon Travolta and Kirstie Alley would return. They’re both Scientologists so playing host to alien organisms is already part of their day to day lives.