Yo, DIY! Let’s Kick It!

“Word To Your Subcontractor.”

When I watched The Vanilla Ice Project (which, as far as I can tell, is a real thing and NOT a practical joke being played on Robert Van Winkle, me or the public as a whole) I never got a clear impression if Mr. Van Winkle (“Vanilla” if you’re nasty) was somehow in charge of  the renovation crew or if he was just one of the dudes making $8.25/hr to hang drywall. I really want to contact the producers of the show, though because some of the crown molding and wainscoting they used seemed eerily similar to the crown molding and wainscoting that Freddy Mercury had installed in David Bowie‘s house 20 years ago and I don’t think they were given proper credit.

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DALLAS AREA FB’s!!!
I will be at Star Trek Fan Days in Plano, TX this weekend (10/23-10/24). Riker, Data, Worf, Doc Brown, Draco Mallfoy, Chewbacca and Captain James T. Motherfuckin’ Kirk are going to be there too!

EWOK STARE SHIRTS [based on THIS comic] are  IN THE STORE!

Ewok Stare Shirt
[More info about the shirt HERE]

If you have ever owned a “fixer upper/money pit” as I have, then you know there is a secret language you can speak with others who occupy the same circle of DIY hell. It’s a sort of shorthand where entire sentences are replaced with words like “wet saw,” “sawzall” and “keyhole saw.” It’s mostly about different kinds of saws. Oh, and drills. A lot of the time it’s about drills.

There is also an unspoken component to the communication, not unlike that of 2 people who have served in the same grizzly war. You look into each others dark, mournful eyes as you pass each other in the isles of The Home Depot and know that you have seen the same atrocities, lost the same friends, and each tried renting a stump grinder that one time but it was really more than a regular person can handle. I mean, it’s nearly impossible to start by yourself… you at least need someone else to stabilize it and once it’s going there’s basically no way to control it. More than anything, you each know the limits of what caulk can do and how far a man who has nothing else to lose will go to push those limits beyond all reasonable boundaries.

COMMENTERS: Give me your alternate home improvement related “Ice Ice Baby” lyrics.

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29 Comments

  1. I'm so glad that you made this into a comic because I was seriously lovin' the Tweet Stream!

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  2. That turned out nice, nice baby!
    Thanks, @Gorbash, for the @wilw proxy!

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  3. Rollin' with my Shop Vac Pro
    To get contractor bags at the Home Depot
    The greeters on standby, waving just to say hi
    Did you stop? No, I just walked by
    Kept on pursuing to the Caulk Aisle
    I bust a left and I'm picking up Ceramic Tile
    That flatbed's loaded up, so I continued to
    13-A, Lumber Avenue!

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    • Oh god I'm crying now. Wonderful.

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    • I thought Joel's lyrics were brilliant on their own, but between the two of you…..Weird Al is now jealously sitting trying to come up with something better. And failing.

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      • Joel is surely an inspiration to us all. And for the record, I can't claim total credit, as Weird Al was actually playing accordion next to me so I could find my rhythm and flow. Imagine those lyrics to a polka groove, and you will totally feel the Yankovic influence.

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    • Aren't there already enough rappers rapping about their caulk?

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    • That was fucking amazing.

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  4. With an optional ninja turtle upgrade

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    • Go Vila, go Vila, go?

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  5. Good God, that just made my day.

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  6. This an absolutely AMAZING comic.

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  7. Hurrah! It's a Real Thing! My non-Twittering friends will stop thinking I'm insane for humming the lyrics! Thank you, Gorbash!

    (also, did you mean for UnSITEly to be a horrible, horrible pun? Or was it just spellcheck foisting a horrible pun upon you?)

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    • typo fixed.

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  8. whooooooooooah!!! I just Joey Lawrenced! Awesome lyrics!

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  9. Haha, this is the best comic I have seen here.

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  10. Hilarity has ensued. Well played.

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  11. AWESOME!!!!

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  12. that last panel pushed me over the edge…I nearly guffawed in my cubicle and blew my cover…damnit! People need to think I'm WORKING, Joel!!!!

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  13. Wow, are you kidding? This is even better than the Food Network's "What Would Brian Boitano Make?"

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  14. Stump grinder? Try digging sixteen post holes all by yourself, because your girlfriend is afraid of the machinery.

    I'll believe to my dying day that post hole diggers were thought up by Satan himself to take you down to his fiery pits if you try and operate one solo.

    P.S. That's how I broke three ribs totally sober the first time. For the second story, it involved a scaffolding, and a contractor with a weird sense of humor.

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    • When I was writing that it was a toss up between stump grinder, post hole digger, roto-tiller and ditch witch.

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  15. Wow! I laughed out loud…loudly. For a long time. Thanks!

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  16. I was following your Twits about this, and now seeing it in strip form just make it all awesome. From the first Twit about the whole Vanilla Ice DIY show, I just wondered how you could fit so much funny into one strip, but you did it.

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  17. Alternate Title?
    "The Rapper from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II is Selling Houses Now"

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  18. Oh sweet Cthulhu this is the most hilarious thing ever. The flow of this is magical. Magical.

    Reply
  19. Yeah, this comic started out funny, and has been getting steadily funnier.

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    • Thanks! Thats super kind and atypical of an internet comment.

      Reply

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