Yo, DIY! Let’s Kick It!

“Word To Your Subcontractor.”

When I watched The Vanilla Ice Project (which, as far as I can tell, is a real thing and NOT a practical joke being played on Robert Van Winkle, me or the public as a whole) I never got a clear impression if Mr. Van Winkle (“Vanilla” if you’re nasty) was somehow in charge of  the renovation crew or if he was just one of the dudes making $8.25/hr to hang drywall. I really want to contact the producers of the show, though because some of the crown molding and wainscoting they used seemed eerily similar to the crown molding and wainscoting that Freddy Mercury had installed in David Bowie‘s house 20 years ago and I don’t think they were given proper credit.

The HijiNKS ENSUE PODCAST IS BACK, but I need your help to keep it alive. The goal is to get 300 monthly donation subscribers by the end of the year. Read more HERE if you enjoy the Podcast and want to help.

I will be at Star Trek Fan Days in Plano, TX this weekend (10/23-10/24). Riker, Data, Worf, Doc Brown, Draco Mallfoy, Chewbacca and Captain James T. Motherfuckin’ Kirk are going to be there too!

EWOK STARE SHIRTS [based on THIS comic] are  IN THE STORE!

Ewok Stare Shirt
[More info about the shirt HERE]

If you have ever owned a “fixer upper/money pit” as I have, then you know there is a secret language you can speak with others who occupy the same circle of DIY hell. It’s a sort of shorthand where entire sentences are replaced with words like “wet saw,” “sawzall” and “keyhole saw.” It’s mostly about different kinds of saws. Oh, and drills. A lot of the time it’s about drills.

There is also an unspoken component to the communication, not unlike that of 2 people who have served in the same grizzly war. You look into each others dark, mournful eyes as you pass each other in the isles of The Home Depot and know that you have seen the same atrocities, lost the same friends, and each tried renting a stump grinder that one time but it was really more than a regular person can handle. I mean, it’s nearly impossible to start by yourself… you at least need someone else to stabilize it and once it’s going there’s basically no way to control it. More than anything, you each know the limits of what caulk can do and how far a man who has nothing else to lose will go to push those limits beyond all reasonable boundaries.

COMMENTERS: Give me your alternate home improvement related “Ice Ice Baby” lyrics.

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  1. Rollin' with my Shop Vac Pro
    To get contractor bags at the Home Depot
    The greeters on standby, waving just to say hi
    Did you stop? No, I just walked by
    Kept on pursuing to the Caulk Aisle
    I bust a left and I'm picking up Ceramic Tile
    That flatbed's loaded up, so I continued to
    13-A, Lumber Avenue!

  2. Hurrah! It's a Real Thing! My non-Twittering friends will stop thinking I'm insane for humming the lyrics! Thank you, Gorbash!

    (also, did you mean for UnSITEly to be a horrible, horrible pun? Or was it just spellcheck foisting a horrible pun upon you?)

  3. Stump grinder? Try digging sixteen post holes all by yourself, because your girlfriend is afraid of the machinery.

    I'll believe to my dying day that post hole diggers were thought up by Satan himself to take you down to his fiery pits if you try and operate one solo.

    P.S. That's how I broke three ribs totally sober the first time. For the second story, it involved a scaffolding, and a contractor with a weird sense of humor.

  4. I was following your Twits about this, and now seeing it in strip form just make it all awesome. From the first Twit about the whole Vanilla Ice DIY show, I just wondered how you could fit so much funny into one strip, but you did it.

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