With Great Power Ballads…

You might be saying, “But I’ve never seen the hit practical joke show Prizzanked on the BROtv network.” And you would be right to say that. Prizzanked actually airs on UPN, which stopped being on the TV some years ago. That’s part of why it’s such a good prank.

I honestly believed the Spider-Man musical, Spider-Man: Change The Light Bulb In The Laundry Room Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark would never actually see the light of day. A series of financial setbacks coupled with the fact that (until now) the universe seemed to be governed by reason left me with the impression that such terrible nonsense would not make it to fruition. Hell, THIS VERY COMIC was founded on the idea that an emo Spider-Man was a mockery of the web-slinger. Now there is video evidence that such a bebangfaced, warbling wall-crawler does in fact star in a very real musical stage play that will be put on for actual human beings to… enjoy?

I guess the possibility still exists that on opening night the crowd will take their seats, the lights will dim, the curtain will rise and some jackhole in a trucker hat will run out and individually punch every person in the theater square in the balls.

Just for fun, here are a few more jabs from the host of Prizzanked to Bono:
“Uno! Dos! Tres! Fourteen! PRIZZANKED!”
“She want lemon? SHE WANT PRIZZANKED!”
“Where the streets have no name, except for that one street PRIZZANKED AVENUE!”
And finally, “Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, PRIZZANK ME! Chump.”

Comment Challenge: Rename Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark
[Inspired by FB JustChristine who came up with Spiderman: Turn Around Bright Eyes]

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    • Put the URL for this comic on the CBR website comments section, from the link above…spread the word:
      "Non Geeks Just Don't Understand"

      (thanks DJ Jazzy Jeff and that other guy that does summer blockbusters now…)

  1. I thought the Spiderman musical had been done with the Simpson's movie…Spiderpig, Spiderpig, does whatever a Spiderpig does…

    • Especially the choir singing it over the end credits…have that song specifically for scaring Christians where I live, when I blast it at 11 out of my car windows on Sunday morn…

  2. " Hell, THIS VERY COMIC was founded on the idea that an emo Spider-Man was a mockery of the web-slinger."

    So can we blame you for this atrocity then?

    Also, FANTASTIC job drawing Bono and The Edge!

    • Spider Man: West End Webs
      Spider Man: Webber (Web-ber Yeah!)
      Spider Man: Like an Arachnid
      Spider Man: Living on a Web
      Spider Man: Hungry Like the Spider
      Little Red Spider-Man
      Every Web You Spin (Perhaps too esoteric)

      If you've lived through 80's music, the title just writes itself…I could have my boss list every Bon Jovi/Quiet Riot/Def Lepperd power ballad and we'd have the music list done for you in about 15 minutes. Throw some Warrant/Winger/White Snake in for good measure.

    • Yes. Yes it can. Because while Amercan Idiot is based on a rock-opera-concept-album and Green Day has had complete involvement in its creation… Spider-Man: reTurn Your Tickets for a Refund is… a super-hero musical with music by Bono and the Edge.

      The last superhero musical I can think of is… "It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman" from the late 60s (see video of the TV production here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDR-XvJpqBk ) and this is fully what I expect when I go to see Spiderman.

  3. I'm going to have to go with Spiderman: The City that weeps, Spiderman: Rhinestone Rhino or Spiderman: My tights make sense again!

  4. To hell with Spider-man. Why is The Edge still not in my bed?

    Oh, wait. "Spider-Man The Musical: To Hell With Spider-Man." Duh.

  5. My favorite song: With or without you Prizzanked. (I can't live…)

    Maybe the Spider-Man musical was given the name "Turn off the Dark" because it's based on Charlie's Always Sunny musical – where the Day Man had to fight the Night Man. (which was awesome)
    btw, I blame Glee for this.

  6. Spiderman: Seven Brides for Seven Webslingers
    Spiderman: Spiders (based on the poems of t.s. eliot)
    Spiderman: A Little Web Music
    Spiderman: Peter and the Amazing Technicolor Skintight Bodysuit
    Spiderman: The Phantom of the Highrise
    Spiderman: Springtime for J Jonah Jameson

  7. Just be glad they never did that Captain America musical. Marvel comics from the 80s ran ads asking for girls between 10 and 14 to be "Cap's special pal" or something like this. It probably would have been called "Captain America: Turn Off the Ignition in the White Van You Parked by the Playground".

    Also, as lame as many supervillains are, I think "Swiss Miss" is so awful and uninspired that Lee and Kirby would have given up had they printed a comic with a villain with that name…unless it was a Swiss Miss ad, ala the old Marvel and DC hostess ads.

    Alt title – Spiderman: Nobody Spells it with the Hyphen

    • I keep thinking of the cocoa mix every time I read "Swiss Miss", and wondering how he can fight powdery packets of flavoring w/o getting them everywhere.
      Or, some Swiss chica in wooden shoes and a hoop dress yodeling him off a skyscraper.

  8. Spiderman: Turn Off Broadway And Go 20 Blocks That Way Because This Isn't Allowed Anywhere Near Good Theatre

    You want to see how to adapt material from other media for musical format, look at Mel Brooks or the Addams Family musical. The only way this will see any attention at the Tony's is if they create the Best New Absurdist PostModern Comedy. Even then, they'd get someone like Albee to write three lines, stage it for a night and give him the damn award just to teach this show a lesson.

    And don't even get me started on what "concert musicals" are doing to the theatre.

  9. Hmmm, I always thought Spiderman was emo enough without help. Right, new Spiderman musical name: "Spiderman: Turn Off the Waterworks, Crybaby"

  10. Spiderman: Turn On Your Heartlight.
    If no one else in the metropolitan area will come at least three-quarters of the greater Midwest will! Plus, E.T.

  11. Spiderman: Keep Bono Away From the Theater.

    Seriously, how did this not just get laughed at heartily and then forgotten forever?

    • I think the thing I and many others are forgetting is this: NO ONE gives a rat's ass if Spiderman lovers enjoy or ever see this stage performance.
      All that matters is that THEATER fans see and enjoy this theater performance.

      So I imagine this will be full of needless exposition in song form – since we can assume that theater-goers don't read comic books and are likely too good for movies as well.
      This will be the new Lion King.

  12. Also, I'm going to just go and say what we've all been thinking…


    This might be the truest truth on the internet and I'm proud to have penned it.

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