Wheaton Comic Dare: Your Last Lachance

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Wil Wheaton wields a power most terrible. The power to dare me to turn Tweets into comics. Should you fear this power? Most definitely. More than you fear the awakening of The Beard? Probably not. That sounds like bad news for everybody.

I somehow found myself watching John Cusack in 1408 a couple of nights ago, and I may never forgive… well anyone. It seems that when Cusack makes movies with numbers for titles we are all made to suffer.

COMMENTERS: Will you submit to the will of The Beard? Do you think you have any choice in the matter? SPOILERS: You don’t.

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  1. All beards are just physical minions of the almighty SoulBeard that Randy Milholland is the present host for.
    But now we know that HWil HWeaton hosts the chief acolyte of the SoulBeard's unholy army.
    All shall know it's power and tremble.

  2. On the one hand, I have to respect the power of Wheaton's Facial Follicle Fury. But I must also remember that he is a Dodgers fan. And as a Dodgers fan, he is by extension not a Giants fan. And in the World Series run by the Giants, they had a pitcher with truly terrifying super stubble, complete with Giants fans waving placards proclaiming we should "Fear The Beard!"

    So, I will bow to will of Wheaton, but I know that he does not Fear The Beard in the slightest.

  3. I paid to see that damned movie in the theater. Or rather my Dad did. But I think we both ended up paying psychlogically.

  4. There will be a subset of mustache followers that will rise up and start the stache/beard war that will rage on for a millennia. No hair follicle will be sparred. So sayeth the book of the beard.

  5. I can't tell if this comic is about how awful 1408 is, how disappointing John Cusack was, how fun Wil Wheaton is or how awesome beards are…

  6. I think I'd blotted out how awful that film was. Identity on the other hand was quite good.

    All beards are possessed of a fiersome power. In days of old (I.e. About 6 years ago) some friends and I decided to test the relative potency of our facial follicles by staging a beard race. On New Years Eve we all shaved our faces smooth (and by the by, shaving while very drunk is not a good idea!) And then spent 6 months growing our beards in an effort to grow the largest and most stylish beard. I think I ended up looking like I had a badger nesting on my chin while my main competition ended up looking like Benicio Del Torro.

    I guess what I'm saying is I think Joel, Randy and Will should have a beard race.

    • You know that the Beard of Wheaton is actually a symbiote that is using Wil Wheaton to carry it around the Earth, from place to place.
      Saw it on an episode of one of the Treks…

      • I think we might have to disqualify symbiotes as an unfair advantage. Unless we measure the size of the beard grown by the symbiote hiding on Wil's chin.

  7. I will believe in the power of Wil Wheaton's beard the day it survives a steel cage match with Timothy Dalton's mustache.

  8. I paid to see 1408. I still await my reparations, along with those that I am owed for Stephen King's Cat's Eye, and The Man With One Red Shoe.

    At least with Cat's Eye, I was able to hide out in the theater and sneak into The Breakfast Club to make up for it.

    • The movie is actually better then the (audio only) book. Just when the action was getting good in the story, King wraps it up. I liked both.

    • I did too. The Twitter rant he did on the film about near drove me insane. I was 'this' far away from breaking out my copy to point out strong points in the film and plot, but, then I remembered, this is the internet. You never win arguments on the internet. Nothing but pain can result.

  9. Sam Jackson saying "It's just an evil fucking room" made the price of admission worth it.

    When he played the tape at the end IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THAT CARPENTERS SONG, DUH. Why are filmmakers so stupid? GAH!

  10. My beard has minions. Three of my students have pledged to grow beards in its honour. Sometimes I see them trying, and then I need the janitor.

  11. Never saw 1408 the movie, but the Stephen King short story (which the film was allegedly based on) was pretty good. For maximum effect, I recommend the audio book. read by King himself.

  12. I wonder about your tastes sometimes, man. I understand not enjoying "1408", but it is FAR from the film equivalent of the Antichrist. Ever seen the "Happening"? "2012"? "The Day After Tomorrow"?

  13. Here's what I just figured out about 'Hijinks Ensue'. It is *exactly* like ST:TNG. The ones featuring Wil Wheaton are the worst.

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